Time doesnt rewind

by JujuMayuDreamer14
  • October 19, 2008
  • Poetry
  • Narrative

He told you he loved you.
He told you hed never leave
but today you come in schock of what you see.
Staring out the window you see him with your bestfriend.
The one you trusted and you to were going to stay true until the end.
You face reality ,you scream for him to leave.
He tells you his sorry but you slam the door with no emotions.
He leaves theres nothing you can do,
you try to think of what you did wrong wishing you could rewind time.
Now its all lost and everything is left behind.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Cjean Review
Cjean wrote a review · Sun Oct 19, 2008 3:30 am

i like the rhyme, and yea you did need some editing. but i hate grammar and punctuation because to me poetry isn't about putting damn commas and semi colons in the right place. it's about expressing yourself and emotions.

and this was short, but if you've really experienced a situation similar to the one your poem narrates...i'm sure you can't gather all of that emotion and all those thoughts and put them into words, onto paper.

love itt;;

User avatar
Searria H.
Review
Searria H. wrote a review · Sun Oct 19, 2008 2:26 am

Wow. This was short. You need to do at least 2 reviews before you post, and then keep a 2:1 ratio. And one-line reviews don't really count. :D

This was a good poem, but you should probably edit it.

He told you that[/b] he loved you.
He told you he'd never leave
but today you come in shock of what you see.
Staring out the window, you see him with your bestfriend. (best friend is two words)
The one you trusted and you two were going to stay true until the end.
You face reality, you scream for him to leave.
He tells you that he's sorry, but you slam the door with no emotions.
He leaves. There's nothing you can do.
You try to think of what you did wrong, wishing you could rewind time.
Now it's all lost and everything is left behind.

You went into run-on land a lot, and that's where I replaced some of your commas with periods. You also left out your apostrophes.

Other than that, it was a good poem.

-Sea-



Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink