Your cover is about to be broken,
When the truth is told and you’re exposed
I won’t be there with arms wide open.
No one will be there for someone so distorted.
It could hurt.
A bastard with no glory,
A fool without shame or worry,
A liar of the worst kind,
That ended up believing all his lies.
I honestly hope you choke
on all the bullshit that you talk.
It may hurt.
Karma will pay you back one day,
Of that I have no doubt.
One can’t go around the world
doing so much damage to the innocent so bitterly
Without paying a price at the end.
I hope it hurts.
You will see that the wrong
can only seem right for so long.
That your cover won’t take
that long to blow.
And that it won’t take much
Until you can no longer see the faintest of lights.
I hope you hurt.
How does it feel?
To wake up every morning
and have to face yourself in the mirror?
How do you do it?
Dealing with a twisted mind
that is killing you slowly every night?
It will hurt.
Because, Darling,
No one can go around the world
doing so much damage.
No one can live in such a sick way
expecting so much loving.
And no one can spread so much venom
without choking on it sooner or later.
I bet it hurts.
J.H.
Hey, JH! I'm Euph, and in the spirit of Review Day, I am here to review your poem.
Let me start off by saying that this poem is really deep, and I love that. I can feel the pain that the narrator is addressing. That is a key thing for a writer to focus on: Connectability. I also like the fact that you used such colorful words to lure your reader in further.
A few critiques I have:
"A bastard with no glory,
A fool without shame or worry,
A liar of the worst kind,
That ended up believing all his lies.
I honestly hope you choke
on all the bullshit that you talk."
Second: I love that only this part rhymes, really showing that the freestyle to this poem is being greatly addressed, and that you aren't sticking to any boundary lines.
Third: Instead of commas in a lot of places, you should use periods to allow the reader to mull over fully what is going on, instead of a quick break.
fourth:
"How does it feel?
To wake up every morning
and have to face yourself in the mirror?
How do you do it?
Dealing with a twisted mind
that is killing you slowly every night?"
As for the fourth stanza, it is very powerful. A little more power should be put into it, by elaborating on some of the thoughts if possible.
Overall, You did an amazing job on this poem. I can really feel the tension and I love the way that you portray everything, it's perfect. Great job!(:
Dude, I think you can do way better than this to show off how big of a slimeball this person indeed is! There are so many wonderful traitors in history who have met horrific ends... why not compare this person with one of these handy historic people, and you as being betrayed?
Also, instead of saying such things as, "I bet it'll hurt" make them aware of HOW it is going to hurt. You talked about venom! Well, why not compare this person to a snake? You can even make an allusion to Genesis, which is one of the most well known stories of deception that the western world is aware of. You can make this person slither and eat dirt, literally! Instead of simply saying, "It'll come back to you," you can curse them in your poetry.
I mean. If this person is as horrible as it sounds like this person is, you need to ramp up the mean factor here and the intensity. You need to make this person hiss, really. So, be creative! Do what you can to make this person seem to be a slimeball.
Also, you might want to mention how you were betrayed... maybe not explicitly, but definitely using metaphor or other ways to deliver (effectively!) the impact.
So, there is a lot of potential here. But you can do way more. Good luck with that!
" I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity." (A Knight's Tale)
I have to say I am a big fan of the vengeance poem/song/etc. I love that Leonardo da Vinci painted bosses he didn't like as demons/Judas. But frankly, I think this poem pulls its punches. It isn't specific enough, it isn't strong enough, it is about the same as yelling at them. You cannot rely on karma. There are plenty of terrible people who get away with things scot free, and plenty of wonderful people who have to endure unimaginable suffering. As a writer, as a poet, you are omnipotent, you have to be your own justice. Don't tell him karma is coming, be that karma. Expose them through the poem. Create a situation that would even the score, how they could feel the same pain as the narrator does, or understand the full weight of their actions. Show that you understand how they think, how they move. Show their friends being able to see through it. Have the courage of your convictions.
They aren't there yet, is the thing. Everyone tends to see themselves as the protagonist in their own story, it isn't difficult for them to look in the mirror, because they won't see what you do when you see them.
'The best vengeance is living well', I always thought that saying was bull. I would concede maybe, a fairly decent form of vengeance is self awareness. To say that, even though you are hurt now, you are grateful for feeling it, because it means you will never be like them.
Too general, too general, too general. It relies on the weight of 'bastard', and 'fool' which these days isn't much. Go for the jugular.
Judehnd,
I wonder about the story behind this poem. Someone once said that a poem was magic done on a stage, the readers are the audience, and the writer is backstage pulling the strings. Well, to me it feels like there is more going on behind the curtains than there is on stage. You are lucky to experience this poem to its full effects, because you know exactly what prompted this, you are directly feeling the emotions behind this.
I can sense there are a lot of strong emotions present. When I read it, all I get is anger and vengeance – but it’s not a feeling I feel directly, it’s more where I, as the reader feel like I’m the third party awkwardly listening to an argument between two people “you and I” and yet, I have not a clue who these people are, or why exactly they are hurt, or why I should even care. All I see is a cheap trick with stanzas and words. Where’s the magic? When I read a poem, I want to be able to experience it. And the only way you can do that is to get the reader into the mix of things. That’s where the magic kicks in.
People experience the world through our senses. The only sense we can make of this thing we call “life” is through what we can see, what he hear, what he smell, taste, and feel. When readers read poems that evoke their senses, they’re tricked into experiencing the poem directly. You do that through poetic techniques and figurative language – metaphors, sensory details. Create a scene, create images, evoke my senses. Otherwise, I’m just left bored in my seat witnessing/hearing words, rather than being a part of it myself.
With all of that said, I must compliment you for this poem’s tone. It’s almost terrifying how much this poem just screams anger! Your control of the flow is nicely done as well. You do a great job of mixing real, short lines with the longer lines, I can almost imagine the narrator clenching his/her teeth.
Keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions.
~ as always, Audy
Hello!
I just have a comment, I really like this. Also, you might want to rate it for language, but other than that I wouldn't change a thing!
This poem is very deep. I can feel the speakers pain. The pain in this poem is properly and well portrayed. Very good with this poem. I really like it. I also really like your form. How you have the tiny sentences after a stanza. Those are very important because you repeat will and bet it will hurt. I have a couple of tips for you. First:
"A bastard with no glory,
A fool without shame or worry,
A liar of the worst kind,
That ended up believing all his lies.
I honestly hope you choke
on all the bullshit that you talk."
Second, I also have a problem with this...not every poem has to rhyme but if one stanza of your poem rhymes then the other stanzas should follow the same rhyming scheme. I like the rhyming scheme in the first stanza. The rest of the stanzas should also follow.
Third, Where those comas are would be cool if you added periods instead. Those periods would create a longer pause and your reader can fully soak in what is happening. I really like this stanza. It is my favorite in your poem. The reader gets a full picture of who this person is.
fourth:
"How does it feel?
To wake up every morning
and have to face yourself in the mirror?
How do you do it?
Dealing with a twisted mind
that is killing you slowly every night?"
This stanza is very powerful. I think a little more power could be put into it if you put the question mark after the full question.
last:
"Because, Darling,
No one can go around the world
doing so much damage.
No one can live in such a sick way
expecting so much loving.
And no one can spread so much venom
without choking on it sooner or later."
I feel that the because is unneeded in this stanza. That is just my opinion though. It sounds very good either way. Also I don't feel the comas are needed. You did such an amazing job on this poem. I can really feel the tension. Your portrayal of everything is perfect. Good job! : )
This poem is very deep. I can feel the speakers pain. The pain in this poem is properly and well portrayed. Very good with this poem. I really like it. I also really like your form. How you have the tiny sentences after a stanza. Those are very important because you repeat will and bet it will hurt. I have a couple of tips for you. First:
"A bastard with no glory,
A fool without shame or worry,
A liar of the worst kind,
That ended up believing all his lies.
I honestly hope you choke
on all the bullshit that you talk."
Second, I also have a problem with this...not every poem has to rhyme but if one stanza of your poem rhymes then the other stanzas should follow the same rhyming scheme. I like the rhyming scheme in the first stanza. The rest of the stanzas should also follow.
Third:
"How does it feel?
To wake up every morning
and have to face yourself in the mirror?
How do you do it?
Dealing with a twisted mind
that is killing you slowly every night?"
This stanza is very powerful. I think a little more power could be put into it if you put the question mark after the full question.
Fourth:
"Because, Darling,
No one can go around the world
doing so much damage.
No one can live in such a sick way
expecting so much loving.
And no one can spread so much venom
without choking on it sooner or later."
I feel that the because is unneeded in this stanza. That is just my opinion though. It sounds very good either way. Also I don't feel the comas are needed. You did such an amazing job on this poem. I can really feel the tension. Your portrayal of everything is perfect. Good job! : )
Where those comas are would be cool if you added periods instead. Those periods would create a longer pause and your reader can fully soak in what is happening. I really like this stanza. It is my favorite in your poem. The reader gets a full picture of who this person is.
Second:
Umm. Okay. Where do I begin with this? First of all, I'm sorry you had to go through whatever this is based on, because it sounds like it was a ~horrible~ experience (to put it mildly). But on the bright side (is there even a bright side for situations like that?), you got an incredible poem out of it. Dramatic, angry, clear without saying flat-out what happened, flowing well, etc... Honestly, I enjoyed it so much and I don't want to critique it!
That said (I'm sorryyyy!!), I did notice a few grammar mistakes that maybe I should point out.
1) "How does it feel?
To wake up every morning
and have to face yourself in the mirror?"
"How does it feel?" should not end in a question mark, I don't think. It works for that phrase, but makes the next one, "To wake up every morning and have to face yourself in the mirror?" a fragment. (EDIT: Reading back through that stanza, I could see how it miiight make sense, so see what everyone else says before listening to my critique there.)
2) In the last stanza, you said "And no one can spread so many venom" when I think you meant "And no one can spread so much venom."
3) Just make sure you capitalize the start of every line! Maybe you meant to leave them lowercase, but I don't know; I just thought I would point it out.
That said, I truly did love this poem. It was so sharp, yet deep, and angry and just... good. I'm not even sure if I could pick a favorite part, but if I had to, it might be "I honestly hope you choke/ on all the bullshit that you talk." This. Was. Amazing. Never stop writing! <3
Thank you! I'll go fix that.
and for the record, the bastard deserved it, BIG TIME.
again, thank you so much!