Forever

Cool....I think you could make it stronger by adding really strong vocab and emotion.

JudeHnd wrote:She covers her eyes
and avoids to see. "Avoids to see" is not correctly stated.
She whispers his name
in dreams in her sleep. Try to avoid the double "in," especially in poetry.
She takes his hand
and presses it to her cheek.
She tells him the words
she’s too afraid to speak. Poetry is not always literal, but if someone's too afraid to speak something, I am pretty sure she can't tell anyone it.
He listens to her patiently "Patiently" simply kills the feeling you are getting at.
and loves her with every touch. Um, I know this is supposed to be a romantic poem, but this line sounds forced, and not entirely genuine.
‘Forever’ he says.
‘Forever’ she says.
She covers her eyes
and begins to see. Great line.

Okay, my main critique is, what happened to the rhyming? It was there at first, and then...what? I understand that maintaining a rhyme scheme can be difficult, but you have to stick with it. Actually, I would just recommend cutting it out altogether, because it can be very limiting.

By: JH

Thank you so much to all of your comments!
as you can see I'm a Newbie, so any advice and help you can give me will be very appreciated.
thank you so much!

The flow of this poem to me is very well done. This has a very interesting feeling to it. You may, perhaps, want to make all beginnings of lines capatalized. This is a very easy fix to make a poem look a little cleaner in appearance. Other then that I say well done and keep writing! You're very good at poetry.

"She covers her eyes
and avoids to see.
She whispers his name
in dreams in her sleep.
She takes his hand
and presses it to her cheek.
She tells him the words
she’s too afraid to speak.
He listens to her patiently
and loves her with every touch.
‘Forever’ he says
‘Forever’ she says.
She covers her eyes
and begins to see."
You kind of gave up that rhyme scheme.
But otherwise, great poem, conveys alot of love :3

StoryWeaver (on little brother's page, helping him out)

She covers her eyes
and avoids to see. "Avoids to see" sounds a little weird...
She whispers his name
in dreams in her sleep. A little weak.
She takes his hand
and presses it to her cheek.
She tells him the words
she’s too afraid to speak. But if she tells him, she's still speaking it, even if he's asleep. I'd just try to clarify that a little.
He listens to her patiently
and loves her with every touch.
‘Forever’ he says
‘Forever’ she says.
She covers her eyes
and begins to see.
You give up on the rhyme scheme towards the end, and really it feels a little forced throughout. I think it held back what you were trying to say, but overall this was still alright. All the same, I also think it could still be improved. Keep writing!