Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

A long time ago, there was a young girl named Thundersa. She had a dark heart, but sometimes, light showed through. She was nice, but never twice in one day, or for more than a second. There was one she toured to no extent his name was Rainy. Rainy loved Thundresa with all his heart, but alas, she never gave him a second glance. Though they never united in life, in sprit, they were one. For they each practiced dark magic. Rainy used his powers to suffocate his victims, in their lungs, only water was found. Thundresa fried her victims in a flash. Years went by and both were grown to be the ones who spread darkness all over. They were married and had a child, named Windera. Their daughter pushed her victims away, by magic. An invisible force killed them in a flash. A far way along, one practiced light. He ventured off to the city. Once in sight of the gate, he asked for help, but all were too scared to lend a hand. He wandered toward the palace, hoping for a stranger to help, none came. When he entered the palace, the three were waiting for him.

“We knew of your coming, oh great Sunesto,” Thundresa taunted, “we also know of your great power.”

“Oh save us, please,” joined Rainy. Windera stayed quit, and never lifted a finger.

They toured him for three days and three nights, but on the fourth day, something happened.

“You should just die right now,” yelled Thundresa, with Rainy cheering. Sunesto snapped.

“You think you old hags are going to rule forever, you’re not. One day, Windera will take over, and light will come again.”

All were left speechless, except Windera. She freed Sunesto and they fought like a thousand men, each. Thundresa, who was vanquished in a twirling wind, turned to a fleeting light of heat, never to be in one place twice. Rainy, who was vanquished in a surrounding light, turned to water, falling, never stopping, and looking for home.

Windera and Sunesto were married, and together, blew away the darkness. When each died, wind and light were formed anew. All combined to a massive storm and fell here on Earth. Wind came and blew the storm away while light cleaned up its mess. Lightning fried and burned while water drowned.

Now when it’s storming out side, don’t be scared, be terrified. For you never know where the sprits of Thundresa and Rainy will strike next.

I made as many changes too make it better. I focused on all the points you made and changed them. I also added a character bio to help get a little past in. Thanks again, if any one has any more advice, please tell me, don't hold back at all. be as picky as picky can be.

Why Thunderstorms Exist
Characters:
Thundresa: a tall red headed girl, who brutally murdered her parents in a raging fury. She never was able to find a true friend, but victims.
Rainy: a short pudgy boy, whose tortured past made him the one who kills those who cross his path.
Windera: the daughter of Thundresa and Rainy, who cannot only kill, but heal the damage her parent caused, with the help of her true love.
Sunesto: the one whose light heart only attacked when attacked or pushed over the edge. He brought not only peace, but also the fire that destroyed all who brought darkness.
The Storms past.

A long time ago, there was a young girl named Thundersa. She had a dark heart, but sometimes, light showed through. She was nice, but never twice in one day, or for more than a second. She was a bully, no, not a bully, a villain who tortured her victims. There was one she tortured to no extent his name was Rainy. Rainy loved Thundersa with all his heart, but alas, she never gave him a second glance. Though they never united in life, in sprit, spirit they were one, for they each practiced dark magic. Rainy used his powers to suffocate his victims, in their lungs, only water was found. Thundresa fried her victims in a flash. Years went by and both were grown to be the ones who spread darkness all over. They were married and had a child, named Windera. Their daughter pushed her victims away, by magic. An invisible force killed them in a flash.
A far way along, one practiced light. His name was Sunesto. He believed that those who spread darkness brought death and plague to the world. He ventured off to the city. Once in sight of the gate, he asked for help, but all were too scared to lend a hand. He wandered toward the palace, hoping for a stranger to help, none came. When he entered the palace, the three were waiting for him.
“We knew of your coming, oh great Sunesto,” Thundresa taunted, “we also know of your great power.”
“Oh save us, please,” joined Rainy. Windera stayed quit, and never lifted a finger, for she fell in love, and wanted nothing to do with what her parents were doing.
They toured him for three days and three nights, but on the fourth day, something happened.
“You should just die right now,” yelled Thundresa, with Rainy cheering. Sunesto snapped.
“You think you old hags are going to rule forever, you’re not. One day, Windera will take over, and light will come again.”
All were left speechless, except Windera. With the power of wind and light combined, she freed Sunesto and they fought like a thousand men, each. They battled for days on end, light flashing, floods raging, and tornadoes blowing with out end. Until Thundresa and Rainy finally fell, Thundresa, who was vanquished in a twirling wind, turned to a fleeting light of heat, never to be in one place twice. Rainy, who was vanquished in a surrounding light, turned to water, falling, never stopping, and looking for home.
Windera and Sunesto were married, and together, blew away the darkness. When each died, wind and light were formed anew. All combined to a massive storm and fell here on Earth. Wind came and blew the storm away while light cleaned up its mess. Lightning fried and burned while water drowned.
Now when it’s storming out side, don’t be scared, be terrified. For you never know where the sprits of Thundresa and Rainy will strike next.

Thank you.

Juciebox wrote:There was one she toured to no extent his name was Rainy.

Juciebox wrote: Rainy loved Thundresa with all his heart,

Juciebox wrote:Though they never united in life, in sprit, ((spirit)) they were one. For they each practiced dark magic.

Juciebox wrote:A far way along, one practiced light. He ventured off to the city. Once in sight of the gate, he asked for help, but all were too scared to lend a hand. He wandered toward the palace, hoping for a stranger to help, none came. When he entered the palace, the three were waiting for him.

Juciebox wrote: All were left speechless, except Windera. She freed Sunesto and they fought like a thousand men, each. Thundresa, who was vanquished in a twirling wind, turned to a fleeting light of heat, never to be in one place twice. Rainy, who was vanquished in a surrounding light, turned to water, falling, never stopping, and looking for home.