Hey Juan2411!
I hope you don't mind if I drop by for a review today! Disclaimer: I'm not a poetry writer or a reviewer most of the time, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt!
Ironically, you were not the sea, even though you resembled her.
I'm not sure you really need "Ironically"? I really like this line, but I'm not as much of a fan of "ironically".
With no care for the burden on you.
I don't think this line fits in as well with the others. I enjoyed the others very much with "For you welcomed their sorrow and anguish" and "all bottled up in thin paper flasks" in particular (though I think the "thin paper flasks" doesn't make as much sense? I think you're alluding messages in bottles here, which I love, but you're saying the bottles are then paper, so you'd have to switch the wording around to "thin paper bottled in flasks" since, you know. Paper and water).
I might suggest instead changing it to mentioning a destination or a lack thereof. Something about aimlessly wandering (like a bottle in the ocean or a meandering heart) perhaps? It's up to you, of course, but I felt this line wasn't as strong as the others that preceded it.
You were not the sun either, though you could be like him.
Warm and yellow and radiant.
Overwhelming.
Burning and melting and nuclear.
You shared your heat with my cold, dying core.
You left me
With deserts and memories.
Since you mention deserts, I would love to see a line about the heat being too intense? It sounds very comforting when the warmth sharing is mentioned, but then there's no transition for "you left me / with deserts and memories". Maybe something like "but when I got too close I burned" or "but you took it away when you left", and maybe add "barren" to the deserts to further emphasise the loneliness?
You were not the clouds, but you liked to spend time with them,
Matching your mood with the wind.
Light and breezy on Monday,
Dark and rainy on Tuesday.
Beautifully shaped, though you never agreed.
The same, but changed, every week.
"Beautifully shaped, though you never agreed" doesn't really seem to agree well with the rest of the stanza. Clouds don't agree, so even though the "beautifully shaped" isn't as much of an issue (though I might reword it? I'm not too bothered by it, but it's not as eloquent as some of the other phrasing), the second part doesn't blend well with your cloud/wind/storm analogy. It's very lovely, don't get me wrong, but I think that line could be altered in a way that it slots in better with the rest of the lines and transitions better into the unpredictable attitude of the person in question.
No, you were really the moon.
A gentle white glow.
The only light in my sky of night.
The one always there at my every midnight.
My silly semicircle.
My lunatic.
Comforting. Mystical. Crescent.
You left me
Moonstruck.
"The only light in my sky of night" would make more grammatical sense if it was "The only light in my sky at night", because what does "sky of night" really mean? I know it might have been to sound mystical, but it just make me reread the line a few times and eye it?
I also think "moonstruck" should be attached to "you left me", so that it's "You left me moonstruck", because it flows better. I don't feel it was particularly impactful on its own, in fact, it kind of felt the opposite? Plus, this part has gotten a lot softer (not that the rest of it wasn't) and sweeter, and I think you want less oomph and more gentle phrasing/language/structure (I guess you could say like the moon affects the tides? no? I'll show myself out)
And speaking of gentle, I personally think there would have been an even gentler feel to the poem if you hadn't capitalised? that is completely a style choice and you choose how you want your poem to look! that is just my personal opinion, as the poem, though speaking of a negative experience, is soft and almost nostalgic. It's remembering someone with fondness even though they hurt you but still feels a little like closure (and some of the best closure is gentle, in my opinion), and it's written in a lovely way.
Anyway! That's all I have for you today. If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please feel free to let me know!
Otherwise, I hope you have a wonderful time! Happy RevMo!
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