Adam and Eve

by JozueEternal
  • October 8, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Other

Adam and Eve by:JozueEternal

It all began with light,
Love surrounded the land.
Birds soaring through the skies,
Adam and Eve at last arrive.

They saw what God had done,
All the wonders and gifts.
But what happened next?
Temptation grabbed their necks.

There was a forbidden tree,
Filled with the most precious fruits.
God told them not to get near,
But temptation made them eat,
The fruit of the forbidden tree.

Everything then made no sense,
They had disobeyed the word of God.
They got punished eternally by their mistake.

Then everything began to die,
The flowers, birds and even flies.
Since then temptation has worked cruelly,
Controlling the thoughts of weak minds.

Now with all this pain,
All they feel is regret.
Never disobey the word of God,
Or you’ll end up like one of them.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
MeanMrMustard
Review
MeanMrMustard wrote a review · Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:06 pm

Hm. Curious thing here. I want to try something.

JozueEternal wrote:
Adam and Eve by:JozueEternal

It all began with light,
Love surrounded the land.
Birds soaring through the skies,
Adam and Eve at last arrive.

They saw what God had done,
All the wonders and gifts.
But what happened next?
Temptation grabbed their necks.

There was a forbidden tree,
Filled with the most precious fruits.
God told them not to get near,
But temptation made them eat,
The fruit of the forbidden tree.

Everything then made no sense,
They had disobeyed the word of God.
They got punished eternally by their mistake.

Then everything began to die,
The flowers, birds and even flies.
Since then temptation has worked cruelly,
Controlling the thoughts of weak minds.

Now with all this pain,
All they feel is regret.
Never disobey the word of God,
Or you’ll end up like one of them.


Spoiler
Adam and Eve by:JozueEternal

It all began with light, love surrounded the land. Birds soaring through the skies, Adam and Eve at last arrive.

They saw what God had done, all the wonders and gifts. But what happened next? Temptation grabbed their necks.

There was a forbidden tree, filled with the most precious fruits. God told them not to get near, but temptation made them eat, the fruit of the forbidden tree.

Everything then made no sense, they had disobeyed the word of God. They got punished eternally by their mistake.

Then everything began to die, the flowers, birds and even flies. Since then temptation has worked cruelly, controlling the thoughts of weak minds.

Now with all this pain, all they feel is regret. Never disobey the word of God, or you’ll end up like one of them.


I wonder what happens if I did one more thing?

Adam and Eve by:JozueEternal

It all began with light, love surrounded the land. Birds soaring through the skies, Adam and Eve at last arrive. They saw what God had done, all the wonders and gifts. But what happened next? Temptation grabbed their necks. There was a forbidden tree, filled with the most precious fruits. God told them not to get near, but temptation made them eat, the fruit of the forbidden tree. Everything then made no sense, they had disobeyed the word of God. They got punished eternally by their mistake. Then everything began to die, the flowers, birds and even flies. Since then temptation has worked cruelly, controlling the thoughts of weak minds. Now with all this pain, all they feel is regret. Never disobey the word of God, or you’ll end up like one of them.


As of now, this doesn't read as poetry, but really more like a billboard notice on some person's view of morality. It's a voice saying saying saying and telling me, but what exactly it actually shows I don't connect with or care about, and also don't really see too. Food for thought with these examples, good luck.

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JozueEternal Comment
JozueEternal commented · Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:59 pm

Thanks for the comments and amygabb I'll edit the poem. Any suggestions are of great help! :) Thank You!

User avatar
amygabb
Review
amygabb wrote a review · Sun Oct 09, 2011 3:12 am

Hey! Welcome to YWS!

I enjoyed this poem. I appreciate that it wasn't preachy, so thanks for that.

Here are some suggestions:

It all began with light,
Love surrounded the land.
Birds soaring through the skies,
Adam and Eve at last arrive.

They saw what God had done,
All the wonders and gifts.
But what happened next?
Temptation grabbed their necks. #BF0000 ">(Isn't it just Eve, then she convinces Adam?)

There was a forbidden tree,
Filled with the most precious fruits.
God told them not to get near,
But temptation made them eat,
The fruit of the forbidden tree. #BF0040 ">(In my opinion, you don't need this line at all.)

Everything then made no sense,
They had disobeyed the word of God.
They got punished eternally by their mistake.

Then everything began to die, #800000 ">( This stanza has a really nice flow to it.)
The flowers, birds and even flies.
Since then temptation has worked cruelly,
Controlling the thoughts of weak minds.

Now with all this pain,
All they feel is regret.
Never disobey the word of God,
Or you’ll end up like one of them.

User avatar
smilelikeyoumeanit
Review
smilelikeyoumeanit wrote a review · Sun Oct 09, 2011 12:55 am

i love the warning in this poem :) i also like that you have gone against what most teenagers would usually write about and made something religious and seemingly 'uncool' modern and up to date. I think you could go more into the forbidden side of this poem. This is the most interesting bit, it grabs the readers attention. I would also single out the last line of this poem, because it's the moral and presentationally it will draw the readers attention to this bit of the poem. Overall all though a good poem, I like it :)



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