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Perfect Idea

by Joslyn


Wait, I thought I had the perfect Idea!

Of what I was gonna buy him ofr Christmas. Yay! I luckily got my best friend's name for our class Christmas Gift Exchange. No not a coincidence actually.

I actually got M.J but I hate her and there is no possibility that I was ever gonna give her a decent git unless it was a box with a severed head in it....DECENT ENOUGH......? So I decided to exchange for my benefit but mainly because Anji manipulated me inot exchanging it so she could get Akshay's name. After I got Akshay's name from Akshata, of course Anji stole it and gave me Midhun's name. WTF am I supposed to get him. SO when I overheard Gayathri talking about how she got C.J's name I instantly attempted to exchange names with her. Luckily, Midhun's like one of her best friend's so she happil exchanged after a little formal resistance.

Now that I have his name, it just means that the gift has to be perfect, cause he's one of my best friend's and I'm supposed to know exactly what I'm gonna get him but I have no clue. I'm literally scratching my head right now.

Not to mention I'm stuck with Akshay's too :/


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933 Reviews


Points: 4311
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Sun Dec 22, 2013 7:49 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Joslyn!

First off, I gather than this is a diary entry? If so, this might do better as a blog entry. Blog entries are free and don't waste your points. ;) To create a blog entry, click the Blogs tab, look to the right, and click the link that says "create a blog post". Hope that helps!

And to get this out of the green room, I'll go ahead and point out some typos.

Wait, I thought I had the perfect Idea!


Idea doesn't need to be uppercased so I suggest you change the I to an i.

Of what I was gonna buy him ofr Christmas.


Two things -
1. Spelling typo. Change to "for"
2. This is a dependent clause and needs to be combined with the former sentence to make it grammatically correct. "Wait, I thought I had the perfect idea of what I was gonna buy him for Christmas." See how it makes more sense?

...DECENT ENOUGH......?


All caps aren't really pretty in literary works, so I suggest you change it to "Decent enough?" Also scratch those extra ellipses, since an ellipse only requires three periods. ...

because Anji manipulated me inot exchanging it


Change to >> into.

SO when I overheard Gayathri talking about how she got C.J's name I instantly attempted to exchange names with her.


Two things
1. Change to >> So
2. You need a comma after "C.J's name"

Luckily, Midhun's like one of her best friend's so she happil exchanged after a little formal resistance.


Two things
1. Change to >> best friends (make it plural)
2. Spelling typo; change to >> happily

Hope that helps! Of course, once you start blogging, you're free to write as you please.

Happy Holidays!

-Iggy




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60 Reviews


Points: 385
Reviews: 60

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Fri Dec 20, 2013 6:27 pm
thegirlwhowrites wrote a review...



Hi,
I have a few comments to make, hope they'll help!
1. Your style of writing seems informal, as if this was a diary entry. It is absolutely fine to write a story in this style however, just a suggestion, if this is not a diary story then you should not use 'gonna' or 'WTF;. But if that's how the story is supposed to be then of course it's fine!
2. I would try and change the structure of your opening sentence to make it more effective and capture the reader's attention. To me, it doesn't make much sense to start a story with 'wait' because it doesn't make much sense as there is nothing before it for the reader to contradict in order to 'wait'. Also, if you do use 'wait' it is better to use present tense rather than past. "Wait, I think I had the perfect idea!" I know that you later narrate the story in the past but you really can't use 'wait' and 'thought' in my opinion.
3. 'Of what I was gonna buy him for Christmas' is not another sentence. This should go after '(...) perfect idea of what (...)'
4. After you explain your hate for M.J I found the next sentence a bit confusing. What did you mean by 'Anji manipulated me inot exchanging it so she could get Akshay's name.'
5. 'After I got Akshay's name from Akshata(...)' That is too sudden. I would explain if I were you. Why would you want Akshay's name?
6. '(...) of course Anji stole it and gave me Midhun's name.' As the reader, I can't connect with this. Why is it so obvious that this Anji would steal a name? We don't know anything about the characters. If you want to polish it and really create an effect on the reader I would make it longer and give more depth to these characters. Maybe mention an event in the past which made you hate M.J for example.
7. WTF means What The F$#k and then you say 'am I supposed to get him'. If you say that out loud, it does not make sense. Did you mean to say why did you get him? Or what are you supposed to do with him?
8. 'SO when I overheard Gayathri alking about how she got (...)' I wouldn't start the sentence with 'So' especially because it has no connection to you previous sentence. Also, the reader doesn't know why you would want C.J's name.
9. What did Midhun have to do with Gayathri's exchange with you?
10. 'Midhun's like on of her best *friends.'
11. Just a tiny typo :) *happilY
12. The fourth paragraph didn't match with your title and your first sentence. You explain how you have no idea what to get him when at first you say you had the perfect idea. What is this idea?
13. What do you mean you're stuck with Akshay's too?

Sorry if that seemed harsh, just hope it will help!
Bye! :D




Joslyn says...


Thank you so much! It actually is meant to be a series of diary entries. Thanks for helping me with it! I will try to follow through





I'm hapy I could help and thanks for the clearing up about the diary ;)



Iggy says...


Hey! Just a friendly tip - consider using the BbCodes to your advantage, especially the quote codes. If you don't know what they are: [ quote ] [ / quote] (remove spaces)

Turns this -

The cow jumped over the moon.

to this -

The cow jumped over the moon.


Hope that helps you with future reviews!





Thank you SO much!! I was wondering how people did that!!




To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.
— Proverbs 18:13