Young Writers Society

Hey Joslyn!

First off, I gather than this is a diary entry? If so, this might do better as a blog entry. Blog entries are free and don't waste your points. To create a blog entry, click the Blogs tab, look to the right, and click the link that says "create a blog post". Hope that helps!

And to get this out of the green room, I'll go ahead and point out some typos.

Wait, I thought I had the perfect Idea!

Of what I was gonna buy him ofr Christmas.

...DECENT ENOUGH......?

because Anji manipulated me inot exchanging it

SO when I overheard Gayathri talking about how she got C.J's name I instantly attempted to exchange names with her.

Luckily, Midhun's like one of her best friend's so she happil exchanged after a little formal resistance.

Hi,
I have a few comments to make, hope they'll help!
1. Your style of writing seems informal, as if this was a diary entry. It is absolutely fine to write a story in this style however, just a suggestion, if this is not a diary story then you should not use 'gonna' or 'WTF;. But if that's how the story is supposed to be then of course it's fine!
2. I would try and change the structure of your opening sentence to make it more effective and capture the reader's attention. To me, it doesn't make much sense to start a story with 'wait' because it doesn't make much sense as there is nothing before it for the reader to contradict in order to 'wait'. Also, if you do use 'wait' it is better to use present tense rather than past. "Wait, I think I had the perfect idea!" I know that you later narrate the story in the past but you really can't use 'wait' and 'thought' in my opinion.
3. 'Of what I was gonna buy him for Christmas' is not another sentence. This should go after '(...) perfect idea of what (...)'
4. After you explain your hate for M.J I found the next sentence a bit confusing. What did you mean by 'Anji manipulated me inot exchanging it so she could get Akshay's name.'
5. 'After I got Akshay's name from Akshata(...)' That is too sudden. I would explain if I were you. Why would you want Akshay's name?
6. '(...) of course Anji stole it and gave me Midhun's name.' As the reader, I can't connect with this. Why is it so obvious that this Anji would steal a name? We don't know anything about the characters. If you want to polish it and really create an effect on the reader I would make it longer and give more depth to these characters. Maybe mention an event in the past which made you hate M.J for example.
7. WTF means What The F$#k and then you say 'am I supposed to get him'. If you say that out loud, it does not make sense. Did you mean to say why did you get him? Or what are you supposed to do with him?
8. 'SO when I overheard Gayathri alking about how she got (...)' I wouldn't start the sentence with 'So' especially because it has no connection to you previous sentence. Also, the reader doesn't know why you would want C.J's name.
9. What did Midhun have to do with Gayathri's exchange with you?
10. 'Midhun's like on of her best *friends.'
11. Just a tiny typo *happilY
12. The fourth paragraph didn't match with your title and your first sentence. You explain how you have no idea what to get him when at first you say you had the perfect idea. What is this idea?
13. What do you mean you're stuck with Akshay's too?

Sorry if that seemed harsh, just hope it will help!
Bye!