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Until Forever Chapter 1.2

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Hi Guys, Ok so this is the second half of chapter one... looking forward to hearing from you guys with lots of tips, this is still just rough draft one so there should be plenty to comment on...:D Thanks so much!!!

Ole Woods place was not far from ours. I cut through the trees and a field and got there in about 10 minutes. I found Wyatt planting trees near the barn.

He heard me coming and turned, his face showed complete shock and then anger. I knew my shirt and shorts were soaked in blood, my legs had dried blood that was scraped off in several areas.

As soon as Wyatt looked at me I started crying. He ran the few steps and just help me in his arms. After a minutes he turned me towards Ole Woods house.

“Come on” he said gently.

When Wyatt asked to use his truck to take me to the ER Ole Woods didnt ask any questions, he gave me an affectionate pat on the back and waved Wyatt off telling him to bring the truck back tomorrow.

Several minutes down the road Wyatt finally spoke through gritted teeth. “What happened?”

I told him wishing there was some way to avoid the truth.

“Dont say anything at the hospital, let me handle it okay?” Wyatt said. I agreed and leaned my head back, I felt a little dizzy and I was glad I was with Wyatt.

We pulled up to the ER and Wyatt wrapped his arm around me and directed me in. A nurse in bright pink scrubs met us and started asking questions while showing us to a bed. She barely glanced at the wounds and hurried off saying she would send in the Dr.

Wyatt offered the information as soon as Dr. Shultz as he introduced himself came in.

“She broke a vase when she was running through the house, she fell and it just cut her open” I noticed his jaw clenched as he explained but Dr. Shultx was too busy examining my cuts to notice.

“She will need stitches” the Dr. said. “Try and relax, we will get you fixed up you hear” he rubbed my good arm and called another nurse over to assist him.

An hour and half later we were walking out, my arm was bandaged and stitched and my leg had butterfly bandages. “hey young lady, no more running in the house you hear” Dr Shultz called after me with a playful smile.

The ride home was fairly quiet. Wyatt made just one comment about how we wouldnt have to deal with this much longer. I didnt answer, I hoped that he would just let things with dad lie, I didnt want to cause trouble.

When we pulled into our driveway dads truck was gone, probably out trying to get more whiskey I thought. Wyatt helped me to the house, our large living room which I usually kept pretty tidy was a wreck, the library books that I had mistakenly left lying around were now strung about. A few covers were torn off and pages ripped.

I couldnt help it, I started crying. Wyatt rubbed my back gently.

“Dont worry about it ok, I’ll stop by the library tomorrow and pay for them” he said.

He hung out in the living room that evening watching TV. By the time dad came stumbling in the house with a fresh bottle of whiskey I was already snuggled into bed.

I heard the door slam and my heart sped up when I heard footsteps coming down the hall. My door cracked open and light flooded in from the hall lights. I heard Wyatt’s voice right away.

“Dad, why dont you let her sleep, she’s kinda had a hard day” I saw their silhouette’s in the doorway and Wyatt reached to close my door.

Their muffled voices drifted from the living room for a few minutes. Wyatt came to my door a few minutes later.

“He is asleep Elle” he said softly. “I love you” “I love you too Wyatt” I rolled over and closed my eyes, sleep came quickly.

The next few weeks passed quickly. I got the stitches out, and the cuts healed quickly. Wyatt stayed pretty close when my dad was around, and the few times I was home alone with him I would slip out and head up to our spot on the hill until Wyatt came home.

The last day we were home I packed everything I could into my suit case, my back pack held all the food from the pantry, which Wyatt had insisted we take since he bought it all anyways.

Wyatt knocked on my door, “Are you ready to go” he asked when I called “come in” “Yeah here” I handed him my suitcase and pulled my other bag off my bed. I glanced around my room one last time.

As we walked down the hall and out the front door, I thought about all the memories I had in this house, good or bad they were what made me. My dad wasnt here, I couldnt say good-bye, not that I could even if he was here, but still it felt so wrong leaving while he was out drinking.

I stopped in the driveway and turned back to look at the house. The paint was chipping and peeling and the shingled roof was weathered and ragged. The front porch where Wyatt said my mother used to rock me in the afternoon was falling down in places. The grass was growing up along the sides and the yard hadnt been mowed in a long long time. This was just an ugly old house, but it was home. Or used to be, cause we were leaving now.

Wyatt took my hand and tugged it, “we have to go Elle, Paula is here” I blinked away the tears and hurried after him my back pack banging against my leg.

Comments & reviews · 2
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RedMoon
Review
RedMoon wrote a review · Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:33 pm

I just read the first (part?) of this (chapter?) and I think that you did a lot of good with the second (part?). So, you did pretty good here. You made me feel for Elle and Wyatt. I loved that their relationship carried on from the first (part?) into this next one. That was amazing writing right there.

You're dialogue was great, too. It wasn't forced like some I've attempted to read. I think that it's important to have good dialogue because it helps in your descriptions of people and conveying the type of tone you want to set.

Your characters are great. You've began to develop them quite nicely. Already we can see that they have problems, but that they're the kind of kids to not let those things get in their way. I've always felt so badly for kids in that situation. You really did capture their need to get away and their fear. The part where dad came home again drunk and Elle sat up in bed in fear? That you should never ever get rid of. That right there was priceless work. It was well written, gave us just a little more about our main character and perfectly balanced.

There were a few grammar mistakes. Since this is a draft, I feel that this part should go along with it.

"I cut through the trees and a field and got there in about 10 minutes."

Not grammar, I suppose, but I'm just going top down and find problems that I see. This would be great without the ending "and got there in about 10 minutes." I feel like she wouldn't be worrying about time when running like her life depended on it. Since this is in her point of view, I would maybe consider getting rid of it. I know that this is probably here to give the reader a sense of time, but add something else instead of exact numbers like her heart pounding or her wounds aching. Having her looking forward to seeing her brother.

"He heard me coming and turned, his face showed complete shock and then anger."

Just a run-on. Put a period where the comma is.

"...and just help me in his arms."

Held.

"...he turned me towards Ole Woods house."

Ole Wood's. It's possessive.

"When Wyatt asked to use his truck to take me to the ER Ole Woods didnt ask any questions, he gave me an affectionate pat on the back and waved Wyatt off telling him to bring the truck back tomorrow."

Run-on again and a few mistakes: "When Wyatt asked to use his truck to take me to the ER, Ole Woods didn't ask any questions. He gave me an affectionate pat on the back and waved Wyatt off, telling him to bring the truck back tomorrow."

"I agreed and leaned my head back, I felt a little dizzy and I was glad I was with Wyatt."

Run-on. Period where the comma is. You did this several more times. I would look through the piece again and fix those.

"I didnt answer, I hoped that he would just let things with dad lie,"

Run-on again, but I wanted to deal with the last part of this sentence. I didn't like this line as it kid of read awkward. I would change it up a bit. Keep the same idea, but change the words. Maybe "I hoped that he would just let it go. I didn't want to cause trouble between him and dad." Or something. That's just my two bits.

"I was already snuggled into bed."

Not a mistake. Just wanted to say I liked this line. I had so many adorable images in my head. Not that this part was adorable, but it gives us the feeling that she felt safe until dad got home.

"Wyatt knocked on my door, “Are you ready to go” he asked when I called “come in” “Yeah here”

I'd just keep the first part of this one. "Wyatt knocked on my door, "Are you ready to go?" Then you can say she said "Yeah, here." and then what comes after.

Before I go, I have one more thing to say. You have really great descriptions, you know that? Well done, my friend. Well done indeed. I'm suddenly curious to know what is going to happen next, so hit me up when the next chapter comes out, okay?

Keep doing what you're doing! :D

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kevin25a
Review

This is a really good story, I'm not usually a fan of this kind of story but I liked it. I'm looking forward to where you will take it. It seems like a happily ever after type of story, I usually dislike those but yours is one of the few I like. Good job you have a good thing going and I look forward to your next chapters. :)

Thank you @kevin25a, Im really glad you like it and for someone who never lets anyone read my stuff its great to hear encouragement. :) More chapters are coming soon. :)

Looking forward to it. :)



Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain