I most likely will end up changing the name for this novel but this was the best I could come up with right now... this is literally the rough draft that I typed right from my original paper so give me lots of thoughts and editing tips please. :) Any ideas or thoughts are more then welcome!!! :) This is the first time Ive submitted anything too so Im not really sure if there is a special format I should follow, if so just let me know. :) The first chapter was getting pretty long so I decided to put it into two documents before I shared it one here! The other one will follow as soon as I can type it up!!! :)
I heard footsteps coming up the path, but I didn’t turn to see who was coming. My brother Wyatt and I were the only ones who came up here. This had been our spot for years. Whenever dad would come home drunk or in a rampage Wyatt would bring me up here. Of-course I don’t remember it but my dad has said before that Wyatt used to always carry me off down the driveway, and knowing Wyatt this is where he would bring me.
The sun was just setting, leaving the sky a bright orange, the boulders I sat on were still warm from the afternoon heat and I relaxed enjoying the sounds of birds and squirrels in the nearby trees. It was peaceful up here.
Wyatt sat down beside me and handed me a wrapped burger. “I picked these up in town, thought it was about time we had a nice cheese-burger again.”
I smiled my thanks and dug in. For several years now Wyatt had a job with Ole Wood, he would work around his small farm, doing odd jobs and helping him with various things. It seemed even when there wasnt much to be done Ole Wood point Wyatt to something. He knew about my dad, about the drinking, which is probably why he always insisted that Wyatt and I come to his house for holidays.
His sister Paula would always come too. Since they were both old and single they were more then happy to have to young ones to pass traditions onto and have at the dinner table.
We ate our burgers in silence. Wyatt was the one person that I felt comfortable around, and yet most of our time was spent in complete silence.
“So Ole Wood” ( our affectionate nickname for Brent Wood) “told me today he had a brother in Idaho. He has a ranch and he’s going to need an extra hand later this summer,”
Wyatt paused. I knew that for a long time Wyatt wanted to leave. Between the two of us it had been talked about a fair share. But I wasnt ready for him to leave, he was everything to me. He had mentioned a few times that I would come with him, but I was just 14 and besides where would we both live?
I felt tears brim and I blinked hard trying not to let them fall. Wyatt bumped my shoulder with his,
“Come on Elle, you dont really want to stay here do you?”
“I would go too?”
I asked uncertianly. Wyatt shook his head with a smile,
“Of course you would Elle, theres no way I would leave you. I nodded slowly,
“well when would we leave?”
Wyatt slung his arm around me.
“In a month or so. I have a lot of money saved. Ole Wood said the ranch had cabins we could probably stay in for cheap. And one of the best things is Paula is driving out there around that time, and we could ride with her.”
“ Alright, but what about dad Wyatt?”
He frowned, “Elle he’s never taken care of us, he never cared, its time we stop trying to always think about him.”
I didnt say anything, I couldnt, he was right, our dad was never there for us, but it still seemed so wrong to just leave him.
“Elle believe me, its the right thing to do.” I trusted Wyatt more then anyone, so I nodded my agreement.
Wyatt continued to work for Ole Wood, and I went to school each day, like I had for the last 8 years, not talking to many people, keeping to myself.
There were only a few people I would miss in this town. Mrs Gates, she was young and very sweet, always encouraging me and saying nice things, something I didnt get that often from people.
As far as kids my age, never hit it off with any of them, I was a misfit, I didnt even fit in with the other misfits though, who were trying either the goth of hippie looks.
About a week after Wyatt had talked to me about leaving, school let out for the summer. I had spent most of my day at the library reading, when I came home Wyatt was still at work, my dad was home and from the sounds coming from the kitchen he was hungry. I dropped my bag on the recliner and peeked into the kitchen.
My dad had his head down looking in the bottom cabinet that help pots and pans.
"Hi dad," I said softly. He jerked up gazing at me with glassy eyes.
“Where have you been?” he hollered loudly. At moments like these I was so thankful that we didn’t have close neighbors.
“I was at the library,” as I always did I tried to smooth things over quickly before anything got started. “Im sorry I wasn’t here when you got home.”
He grunted in displeasure and went back to looking at the pots and pans.
“Where is our food?” he asked bluntly. “There is some in the fridge ad in the pantry” I said. Without warning he slammed the the door closed on the cabinet and stepped towards me,
“dont lie to me there was food in there this morning, you took it didnt you?” I backed up quickly to stay out of his reach. I shook my head,
“No I didnt take anything I promise, the food is in there,” I pointed to the pantry and silently prayed that he would go look for the food. He reached for his bottle of whiskey and took the last few sips. When he finished he set the bottle down and went to the fridge. He stared blankly for a minute and then turned to me.
“I want soup.” he said. I nodded,
“I would make you soup dad, but I dont think we have the stuff to make it."
He angrily looked around, “there is plenty here to make soup you brat.” As he looked around he caught a glance of his empty whiskey bottle. He picked it up and looked at it for a moment. Then glaring at me he spat out the words, “you took my whiskey too, did you dump it out brat?”
I shook my head, “no I didnt, you drank it, I didnt...” he cut me off, “dont tell me I drank it, I know how much I drank," he grabbed the bottle and shook it, “you brat, I’ll teach you not to touch it.”
With a hard hit to the counter he shattered the bottom of the bottle leaving the bottom sharp and uneven. I turned to run but he grabbed my arm to quickly, I let out a scream and tried to jerk away but his grip was to tight.
He swung the bottle hitting my arm, the pain shot through my whole body, and I started crying and trying to peel his fingers off my arm. He held me for several seconds and then started to laugh, he let me go and yelled “run you little brat”
I did straight for the door, he threw the bottle after me and it caught my calf, I felt it cut but I didnt stop running. I ran down our driveway and the when I came to the path I ran the 1/2 mile which was mostly up hill to our spot. When I got to the top I was out of breathe and exhausted. I collapsed on one of the boulders and wiped away my tears.
I pulled my shirt sleeve up to look at the gash in my arm better. It was pretty deep and running had sped up the bleeding. My stomach flipped at the deep cut running along my forearm. I didnt think I would be able to stop the bleeding. My shorts had given no protection to the calf, the blood ran down my leg and onto the rocks.
I knew I had to get to Wyatt, he would know what to do. But I also knew that this would make him very upset. This wasn't the first time dad had hurt me, and it always scared me to see him and dad fight about me.
I tried to use my other sleeve to press the wound and stop the bleeding but the blood continued in a steady stream, realizing I wouldn't be able to stop the bleeding I started to make my way down the trail again!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
As you, I am fairly new to this website. I enjoyed this story, but I do have a few suggestions that may make it a bit better.
At first, I assumed Wyatt and Elle were an item. After reading for a little bit, I got the impression Wyatt was actually her older brother. Maybe if you said, "My brother, Wyatt," and then continued with the rest of the sentence, when you first mention him, it would clear up any confusion. There may be a few other way's to differentiate as to what the relationship shared between the two is, but that's what I would personally do.
I'd like to add that things are very fast paced, and a bit messy. There are certain times you need to start a new paragraph, but you haven't. It's typically a general rule of thumb when writing dialogue to start a new paragraph each time a different character begins speaking. Also, you forgot your quotations a couple of times, but not a lot. When quoting things a character said, you have a few capitalization errors. There are a few regarding commas, as well. You also have a lot of run on sentences. Sometimes a few run on sentences or so can direct your story to sound how you want it to, but if it happens too often, it may exhaust your reader.
You may also want to work on your transitions.
When you read through your story on your own to do revisions, make sure it is always clear as to who pronouns are supposed to be referring to. You also want to make sure you finish any thoughts you've began in your writing.
It's important not to fall in love with your words, because sometimes, you can't leave previous sentences you've written in order for your story to flow. It's perfectly fine to take out some sentences, even if you liked them. Who knows, maybe they'll find their place later on in the story.
I also think it may be a bit unrealistic that the bottle her father threw at her when she was running away cut her so deep. Alcoholic drinking bottles tend to have thicker glass, which may not have cut the narrator as she ran. I understand this part may be essential to your story, but it may be a better idea to have the cut on her arm be the major injury, and the cut on her calf be a minor. This would make more sense, seeing as she is expected to run the whole way to the spot her and her brother go.
You also do a fair amount of telling, rather than showing. When she's trying to get the bleeding to stop, maybe instead of saying, "I spent a few minutes trying to get the bleeding to stop, but when I couldn't, I made my way down the trail again," you could say, "I ripped a piece of cloth from my shirt, and attempted to cover my wounds. It was no use, though. The blood quickly drenched the piece of cloth. When I came to the realization I probably could not make the bleeding stop, I turned around and began to make my way down the trail."
Imagery is also VERY important. You have some strong imagery in the beginning, but you may want to add some more throughout your story. This would make for a better understanding of Elle's life, the way she see's thing, as well as add some length to your story. Maybe you could try describing what her house is like when she get's home.
I understand this is your first draft, so some of the criticism I have offered may be things you would have fixed when running through this piece on your own. I know I nit-picked a bit, but I gave you EVERYTHING I could. I hope what I have to offer may help, but I am also an amateur writer myself, so I'm not sure as to how helpful I may be.
Now, I REALLY enjoy this story line, and concept. Don't lose your drive for this, you could really take it somewhere. I wish you the best of luck with your story.
Thank you so much @AlexandraD, your review was very helpful and Im making a lot of changes right now. Thank you for beinghonest. One of my biggest fears is that people will just read this and not tell me when something sounds awful!!!
so thank you for just saying it straight! Also I wanted to ask you... I explain the house in pretty good detail (without getting real boring I think) later in this chapter, like I said in the submission this is only part of the first chapter! So do you think I need to describe the house right away or is later ok? or do you need to read the next part before you can say? 
thank you so much again for your review and help!
You're welcome. I know a little bit of constructive criticism can go a long way, so I always try to give people the advice I'd hope they would give me.
It's up to you when you explain the house, and really, it's up to you when and if you decide to explain anything. Some things are left better unsaid, some things are left better said later on.
If you think it fits best later on in the chapter, then maybe it does. It may make more sense to explain it later since you're putting more focus on the situation with Elle and her father here, rather than how shabby her life is with him. Going more in depth with what her life is like later on in the chapter probably makes more sense anyways.
Regardless of when you decide to describe things, I think what you've got going here is great, and I hope I get the chance to read more.
Thanks again @AlexandraD. If there is ever anything you would like me to review just let me know. I love reviewing so I would be happy to give you any constructive criticism that I could!!!
I just posted the rest of the chapter too...
And there will be more coming as soon as Im able to get in onto the computer. 
This is great! Congratulations on posting your first work here!
(And there's no special format, just make sure it can be read)
I have a few nitpicky things about it. I got the impression that Elle and Wyatt are brother and sister, but the title kinda implies this is a romance. However, it was fairly clear that they were related within the opening paragraph, so well done with that.
I would also recommend double checking all the grammar. It's not bad, but there are a few things that could be improved.
The second to last paragraph is a bit long, which makes kinda hard to read. I would recommend cutting it in half somewhere, unless it upsets the flow of the section. If it does, don't worry about it, but just a thought.
Overall, great job! Welcome to YWS!
~Toboldlygo
Hi @Toboldlygo,
Im awful with grammar so Im definitely looking for help in that area. 
any suggestions would would greatly appreciated! 
Yes it is romance but that comes in later in the book, I wasnt sure when I put that it was teen fiction and romance, if that was meaning for the part that I was posting or the entire book, I figured I would be safe and go with the whole book. So yeah Elle and Wyatt ARE brother and sister. And romance comes in later! 
Thank you very much! 
Im really excited about starting to post my own work here after only reviewing for several months!!! 
Thanks for you comment.