“Wow, twenty four years ago was when Lucifer invaded this dimension. Can you believe it?” said my brother Austin with a smile on his face. It was a beautiful day with few wispy clouds in the sky. We were in a huge grassy field with green grass growing as far as you could see in each direction with mountains in the distance.
“That war would have seemed like a short one for humans but it was one of the longest wars we’ve had in a long time. It seems like it was only a few years ago, man, time goes by so fast. I hope we hit him hard enough to keep him down there for a few eras. Of course, with our luck, he isn’t going to stay down for even half that long.”
“It got a little a fuzzy after I helped you guys past those demons. I forgot to thank you, Austin, for absorbing that Black Fire for me. I was sure your sword was going to shatter when it turned black for a second.”
“No need to thank me Brea, if it had shattered I would have found another sword for myself anyway. You’re like a sister to me; I would have defended you with my own body at any cost.”
“Awww that’s sweet Austin, you’re like a brother to me too. I hope this day never ends.”
“Ok guys let’s go before our luck ends, I see some black clouds past those mountains over there. I have a bad feeling about them, they don’t look natural.”
“I trust Mitchell on that one; you don’t need second sight to know that those clouds aren’t natural.” I said.
“I don’t need a fucking fag backing me up Pierre!” Mitchell said with restrained venom in his voice.
“Whoa, I was just agreeing with you Mitchell, don’t get mad at me.”
With a horrified look on her face Brea said, “Mitchell!! Why can’t you just accept that Pierre is gay? There is nothing wrong with that. You should be ashamed of yourself, archangels are not supposed to judge based on orientation.”
In a quiet voice Mitchell said, “Don’t defend him Brea, he shouldn’t even be allowed to live.”
“What is wrong with you Mitchell?! I don’t even know why I’m still friends with you. Pierre is not going to change just because you don’t approve of his orientation.”
Brea and Mitchell kept arguing the whole way back to the house. Since Lucifer invaded, I haven’t been very comfortable discussing anything with Mitchell. Most of the few conversations between us invariably turned into a heated argument over my orientation between Brea and Mitchell, and invariably Austin would step in and somehow stop the fight,. It was a very depressing time.
When I woke up the next morning I felt a presence. I went downstairs cautiously and found a girl looking at the pictures hung on the wall. She had long blond hair and deep blue eyes that lit up when she saw me.
“Pierre! I’m your half sister, Heidi. I know this is sudden and I apologize for that but I wanted to see you.”
“I don’t have any relatives but Austin. You should go before he gets down here; he’ll attack before you can move a muscle if he sees you.” She looked disappointed and sad when the words came out.
“Austin already knows me. I found him feeding on a human a few years ago. I introduced myself to him and we talked for a while, I’m surprised he didn’t mention me to you.”
A quick look at her memories told me she wasn’t lying, which irritated me. George and Austin walked in laughing together and stopped in their tracks when they saw Heidi standing by the table. Austin was the first to speak.
“Heidi, what are you doing here, I thought you were in California.”
“You know her Austin? How about introducing me to this pretty lady?”
“This “pretty lady” is my half sister, George.”
“…I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”
“Your friend is kinda cute Aussie. Mind telling me which room is his?”
“His room is three doors down on the right side of the hall; don’t go in the room across of his, that one is Mitchell’s room, he’s about ready to explode right now.”
I watched her go up the stairs and turned to my brother when she reached the top.
“Why didn’t you tell me about her Austin, I thought we swore not to keep secrets from each other? Now we have to look after her too.”
“I met her before that, and I didn’t tell you about her because she was doing something important in California after I came back. She told me she had to investigate some there; she wouldn’t tell what it was. Since she’s here that must mean she’s done investigating it, we should ask her what it was now.”
I silently accepted his excuse for not telling me. If he did tell me about Heidi, I would have impeded her investigation by giving her a surprise visit. We found her flirting and laughing with George when we opened his bedroom door.
“Heidi, we want to ask you something.”
“Can’t it wait? I just got here?”
“Now, Heidi, we want to ask you about California.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back George.”
“We want know what you were investigating in California, and why you wouldn’t tell me what it was.”
“I was investigating Lilith and some entrances to her world near San Diego, Los Angeles. I also found exits that I didn’t expect to find, I destroyed the exits quickly though.”
“Why were you investigating Lilith and the entrances to her world?” I asked amazed that she could have pinpointed exits and entrances so accurately and then destroy the exits so quickly.
“I was investigating that because I knew she had something to do with some of the “natural disasters” that devastated some of the major cities in various places of the US. The “natural disasters” happening at the same time was too much of a coincidence to me, the fact that I thought they were coincidences is incredible since I don’t believe in coincidences.”
“Makes sense to me. I’m going upstairs to check the cameras for something. Don’t bother me.” That wasn’t all I intended to do, I also intended to search Mitchell’s, George’s, Brea’s, and my memories for important details about the past few decades.
I decided to search Brea’s memories first. It took me an hour and a half to untangle her memories, and then another hour and a half to watch them, pause, and then rewind some of her memories. Watching anyone’s memories is like watching a movie where you can pause, skip, and play them, and then zoom in or out of the picture however you pleased to. I don’t watch other peoples’ memories very often for two reasons: the first is that I don’t like poking around another person’s private moments, and the second reason is because I feel the emotions that the person was experiencing. I never found anything important in Brea’s memories.
After Brea I moved on to Mitchell’s memories, as I was watching them from my room I found a memory that I didn’t think belonged to Mitchell. The memory took place thirty one years ago before he met my brother. It was in a high school locker room. Everyone but Mitchell and a few other boys were done showering and dressing. Mitchell was looking around the locker room afraid of dressing in front of other boys in the open, he knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help feeling self conscious about his body even though he knew that he had no reason to be ashamed of his perfectly fit body. He confirmed that he alone in his row of lockers and quickly got dressed. After putting his gym shorts and shirt back in his locker he closed his locker. He was getting ready to leave when he saw another boy getting dressed who was just as muscular and athletic as himself. He was admiring the boy’s body when he quickly looked away and thought to himself, “No! I am not attracted to him! I can’t be, I’m an Angel, he’s a human, and we’re both guys. I’d become what is frowned upon by the bible and the public.” He replaced his thoughts of the boy’s beautiful body with how hot Ashley was no matter what she wore. How she demanded the attention of everyone in the room no matter their gender preferences, and how beautiful she looked when she was smiling in the sunlight three days ago.
I broke away from the memory and found Mitchell standing my bedroom door looking like he was deep in thought.
“I’m sorry Mitchell, I shouldn’t have been nosy. I should have-”
He interrupted me and said softly with a subtle hint of sadness in his voice, “I was confused after that day happened. I liked girls, but I also liked a guy. It’s taken twenty nine years just to accept that I’m bi. That guy you saw in my memory was openly gay; the other students gave him a hard time because of it. I don’t hate you; I respect you in the highest regard for being able to admit what you did before Lucifer and his demons came out of the dimensional door.”
We went on talking until we saw the sun waking from its slumber; it was nice being able to talk without secrets. We even laughed at stupid things. Occasionally, we laughed so hard, it was hard to breathe. It was the best time I had with Mitchell in nineteen years.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I don't know about you, but if my sister started talking in this manner, I would reply any number of ways. Here's my top three:
1. "Hey, have you been reciting from the Encyclopedia Britannica again?"
2. "Give it a rest debbie-downer."
3. "Shut up; I'm trying to enjoy this perfect day we're having."
Generally when an author starts a story with a drawn out history lesson, they are guilty of info-dumping. Info-dumping is when the author begins telling the reader about their world in oppressive detail.
It isn't that the information isn't useful, or that the reader can't benefit from that information. It becomes a problem when you give them that information before they are ready for it. When I open a novel, I am deciding whether or not I want to read more. If it looks like I'm about to get a boring history lesson, then I'm not likely to continue.
When it comes to beginnings, remember the ABC's.
A stands for action. Lying serenely in the field isn't a bad place to start, but it has to go somewhere. It takes you two paragraphs (three?) before you mention the evil looking clouds. It should be mentioned in the first paragraph.
B stands for background. After an action is defined, you can go into more detail about where the action is taking place.
C stands for characters. An action is happening in a certain place under certain circumstances: how do the characters present react to it?
Using the ABC's, I changed things around and got the following:
The action in this case is the spotting of the dark clouds. It signals the reader that something is about to happen. Rather than recommend an action; I just let the character point it out. That way, the reader doesn't know what they are going to do; it forces the reader to continue reading.
I follow the action up with the pastoral setting. I compare where they are with where the clouds are. They're in a peaceful place, but the mountains are dangerous in contrast. I haven't defined the characters at this point; but that is something you should be able to do. My advice is to let the characters act naturally. Before, you were using the characters to say what you wanted to say. Let them say what they want instead.
^_^ Thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.