"Of course we should fire him, he won't do anything if he can't stay late."
"But he has a wife and kids at home, I bet he just wants to spend time with them."
"And he was the last one we hired. First to come," Mark left his statement in the air.
"Yes, but he's a better worker than half of the rest of them," Jean replied.
"Look, companies' going in the red, whole team's going to be busy, boss says we need to make some money in the next month. Logically, what we should do," Mark pointed out.
"Look, what about Marie? She's fairly new," Jean reasoned, half to himself.
"I don't know man, I don't," Mark said, running his short tan fingers of his right hand through his red-brown hair. As the elevator doors opened, the two managers walked out together and made their way to the front door. The door opened quickly and let a breeze of the cool Autumn air into the front office, blowing with the steadiness of a professional biker. Jean's black tie fluttered in the wind like the many red leaves in the crisp air. The two men took little notice of the hubbub of the city or the peaceful nature but instead put their attention on the conversation at hand, which continued for the eight-minute walk they took to their houses, which were directly across from each other.
As the door creaked open, a creak Jean swore to fix (for the past 8 years), Jean removed the key from the lock and placed it on his mahogany side table, along with his phone, wallet, and spare change. The last item of that list he put in a mason jar which was filled halfway up with various coins, but mostly dimes. He walked trough a recently swept hallway into the master bedroom, which was past the bathroom, which currently had the shower running. As we walked into the bedroom he loosed his tie with one hand and with the other he turned on his computer that was on his black desk. With both hands free, he took his tie off completely and continued walking towards the closet. Opening the door, he put the tie on the top shelf and did with his dress shirt and pants what he did his tie. He looked in the mirror and saw a rather long face, which he always hated, accompanied by a button nose and thin lips. He pulled his sea-green eyes away and shut the closet door after putting on his night wear and at the same exact moment he heard the bathroom door open. Jean sat down in his chair by his desk and opened up Facebook just as his wife walked in, wearing a dark blue nightgown and a white towel around her long golden brown hair. Jean and Laura would spend a few hours talking until they would fall asleep together.
Mark was alone. He sat in his bed with his laptop, browsing various subreddits on effective management. Until he heard a ding emerge from his laptop speakers. He quickly flicked his mouse to another tab. His hope was quickly dissipated as he learned it was not that one girl he was talking to online replying to him, but instead it was that one girl unfriending him. With a form of finality and a scowl he closed the tab and went back to the article he was reading by [look up later] on good management. With an audible sound of revelation, he moved his mouse to his notepad on his taskbar. In his excitement, however, he overshot the tab and the mouse landed on the clock. 11:36 PM. Mark took no notice of it however and continued on with his study.
Jean had a certain energetic happiness in his step as he walked from the cafeteria in the office building. He had a small cheeseburger and a Diet Coke in one hand and a folder in the other hand that was quite full. He was on his way to the picnic area just outside the building, as the weather was lovely. As Jean walked amongst the benches, tables, and umbrellas, he saw Mark writing very quickly, stopping only to take sudden sips of his protein shake. It was at that moment it fell from the sky. It was a bag, rather small, made of burlap.Burned on the sides, tied with a simple string. Jean got on one knee and looked at the bag, then the sky. Not a cloud. He poked it: he nearly burned his fingers. Jean looked around and saw that there were an equal number of people staring at him as there were unaware of him and his finding. Jean quickly grabbed the bag, put it in his pocket with his right hand, and used his left to propel himself up. He walked more swiftly than normal towards Mark, who was of the half who didn't notice him.
"I found a bag,"
Mark slowly looked up as he finished his sentence. "Good job?"
"It fell from the sky! Look!" Jean exclaimed as he struggled to get the now cool bag out of his pocket. Mark was still unimpressed.
"Define 'fell from',"
"It just fell from the sky, there's no other explanation."
Mark stared at Jean for few seconds. Then he suddenly said, "Well, either keep it, put it in lost and found, or throw it away. Your bag your problem. Now, about Jim-"
"Should I open it?" Jean rather rudely interrupted.
"I don't care. Jim is the best choice to fire for all the reasons..." Mark trailed off as Jean untied the string. The burlap unfurled itself. Displayed were two coins and a small square of thick paper. Jean grabbed a coin. It quickly grew cold in his hand. Engraved on it were words in a language he didn't understand. "שאל ואתה קבלת". Mark grabbed one and noticed the same things Jean did. Jean picked up the paper and read its message aloud.
"One wish for you, one wish for the other. One wish that both must agree on." Mark's brain whirred. He had one wish. All the possibilities. What could he do with that? He looked at his paper. It clicked. With a gleam in his eye, he said quickly and firmly, grasping the coin like a snake it's prey, "I wish to be CEO of this company!" Jean was stunned at the lack of anything that happened after Mark said that. Mark's shoulders slumped. He grabbed his papers, his pencils, and gulped down the last of his shake. "I knew it was," He said as he got up and walked away, slipping the coin in his pocket. Jean checked his watch. He looked at his uneaten lunch before walking away. It was at four when Jean's stomach decided to verbally express it's wish that Jean never found the bag. Just another hour and he could be home with his wife. Mark won Jean over and they went over to Jim's cubical.
"I hate this part of the job," Jean complained as he and Mark walked away from the sound of office equipment being shoved into cardboard boxes.
"You love the paycheck," Mark replied just before they were hailed by their boss.
"Hey, you two! You've been promoted! You need to fill out this paperwork," He said handing Mark a stack of papers. "Before the end of the day," He started to walk off. Jean wouldn't let him.
"We can't do that, I have a wife I need to see!"
"You'll see her faster the sooner you get to work," He said as he stormed off.
"We got promoted! Things are looking up!" Mark exclaimed as they got into their new shared office. Jean did not share his enthusiasm.
"And I'm going to have a wife to explain to why I'm going to be back at the house at midnight," Jean replied coldly.
"Just call the lady," Mark reasoned.
"I did," Jean replied softly. Mark looked at him questioningly. "Not much I can repeat." Mark barked out a laugh. Jean reached his hand into his pocket, forming a fist. "I wish you were fired!"
A stunned silence filled the room. Mark simply picked up his work bag and opened the door into a young female office worker carrying a paper cup filled with soda. Mark tumbled over her, sending papers and carbonated drink alike to the ground. Most of the papers had a new color to them, as did most the floor around the two. Mark simply composed himself, saw the papers, and walked to the elevator. Jean helped the woman try to clean the floor and gather the papers as best as they could. Jean then apologized, and like Mark, went home. There he was thoroughly questioned by his wife, answering none of her inquiries. He simply walked into the bedroom and laid down on his bed. There he pulled out his coin and looked at it. The letters had changed, but he still couldn't understand it. "שלם" Jean scowled at it, and half-heartedly said, "I wish he was dead," before closing his eyes.
Mark was home as well, on his laptop, searching how to get grape soda stains off of clothes and for local jobs in his area. He quickly gave up and put the laptop on his side table. He fished in his pocket for something and laid down upon his pillow. His last words before falling asleep were, "I wish he was dead."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I found the concept of the story flawed to begin with. Since newer employees are paid less than long-term employees who will also have to be paid pension, usually it's the older employees who are laid off instead.
You have some good descriptions, but I think you'd do well to think about what you need to describe into what detail. When Jean is going into his home, why does it matter that the reader knows what color the side table is?
The pacing felt off as well -- it took forever to get into the main plot of the story, and then once we were there, it swung by in a single paragraph. By the time Mark makes his wish, instead of soaking in the plot of him wishing he was CEO of the company, I'm trying to recall who he is since the characters hadn't been fleshed out yet to the point. The perspective kept swapping from Jean to Mark and back and so on, but there wasn't enough differentiation between them to even really notice.
Even with all that said, it's still an interesting story with a unique spin on a timed plot. The dialogue is realistic and the story itself is mature, just needs fine-tuned. Thanks for sharing
Hi Hazel,

The earlier reviews left almost nothing to point out. Really admired by the work of a teenage. Keep up...
Yeah, dialogues you put up in a rarher informal way were things to appreciate. It might get a little more alluring if you go for detective or suspense issues, I reckon thereby.
Happy days
Diap
Hello! Sheyren here to do a review! I really enjoyed this story. You took a fairly overused theme and made it original in ways I've never seen before. Bravo! I just laugh that you said it should be good enough to post. It was more than good enough! I didn't see any major grammatical errors, but I did a small one.
There should be a comma between bag and the second your. Honestly, I don't have much else to comment on, except that I loved the dialogue in this story. Often, people make characters sound overly formal, when in actuality, if you free up in the 20th or 21st century, you probably wouldn't. But your characters spoke like the perfect Millenial or Centennial. So, keep up great work! I look forward to seeing more works from you!-Sheyren
Hi JosephHazel,
Are you even 14? Your quality of writing is superb, and even more remarkable when you consider your age. Your narration was very descriptive and it wasn't so hard conceiving everything in my mind. It's very commendable cause it keeps the reader captivated and 'strung' along.
I didn't notice too many grammar mishaps in this story, and judging by the mistakes' prevalence in the other stories I've read I can say that you did an excellent job proofreading.
I absolutely loved the creativity that went into this story. The ending was one big suspense that left me dying to know what was going to happen next.
Altogether, this was a really amazing work from you. And if you're truly 14 and keep maintaining this caliber then your writing will definitely take you places. Great work!