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Young Writers Society


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Revenant Rising 1.2: an excerpt from the BOOK OF DRAAL: CHAPTER XLVII

by JosephGeorge


In the twenty-eighth year of the reign of the Lord Karx, there came many Doomspeakers into the Southern Peninsula, speaking of an end to come.

Their presence stirred up bouts of insurrection against the High Order, which were quickly crushed beneath Karx’s heavy arm of rule.

Amidst such times of war and desolation, there could be no division amongst the people.

To quell any spark of rebellion, he sent his High Elders into the land to preach the law set forth by Arcus III in the days of Tribulation, to reestablish a stronger unity between the clans.

But, while the efforts succeeded in restoring peace to the land, a new threat arose as the fanatical preachings of these Doomspeakers gave birth to an increasing amount of so called believers in the Old Religion.

Fallen, they were called.

A new statute mandated by Karx was set forth, demanding that all such subjects renounce their corrupted faith under penalty of imprisonment.

Or death.

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94 Reviews

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Reviews: 94

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Thu Dec 29, 2016 5:43 am
deleted868 wrote a review...



Hey there Joseph! I'm here to get this out of the Green Room on this fine Review Day! I will try to review your poems, but I'm never sure what to review for poems, so count yourself warned XD. This review might be a little short because this is a short excerpt, but I will still try to do my best, so please bear with me. First off, this definitely seems interesting enough so good job on that. This seems like an obviously fantasy-based story, but I like how you introduced this story as just the time period it takes place in, not how it was established and all that. I don't like just being thrusted into a world, but I also dislike getting a ton of information about a brand-new world, so it seems you've hit the middle, which is a great thing! I appreciate it!

Let's see, the one thing I notice is that the language of this seems to trying to be "proper" and "old-ish" English, which kind of peaked my interest, but I do wonder whether or not you plan on maintaining this same style in the rest of your story. If you are, then that's great, but if you're not, I'd advise that you modify this a little, since it can kind of confuse readers if they're trying to picture what type of world this story is set in. I myself like to try to use what language is included to try to determine if it's more like medieval times, or whatnot, but that could just be me, so yeah. I'd also recommend that you look over this one more time, since a few of your sentences seem a little too wordy: such as your first sentence, "year of the reign of the Lord Karx," which you could modify into "year of Lord Karx's reign" but you don't have to! It just seemed to me that the same message could have been established with less words.

All in all, I like this a lot. You've established some parts of the plot, and the two obvious sides of what will most likely become the major conflict, in such a short chapter, which is definitely impressive. Overall, this is a good, interesting excerpt! I hope this review helped!




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Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:56 am
gema11 wrote a review...



I understand this is supposed to be an excerpt, but more detail would do a lot of good. Chose what to detail and what not to. Plus, to create a sense of the world, maybe you can make references to other historical sources, to help flesh out a sense of the world. Also, run this through a spelling/grammar checker.





Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life... He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful... the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's ironic he could save others from death, but not himself.
— RazorSharpPencil