Published October 25, 2011
The warmth of the sun settles on my scarred face,
I turn to the sun like a blooming sun flower
Knowing this could be the last moment of peace.
The bright orange and yellow brings back memories
When time used to be so at ease.
Interrupted by the sound of silence,
Before the sudden bang that corrupted us all.
War begins and the silence runs away,
Screams echo through my frozen heart.
The mushroom cloud covers us all.
Scared the sun goes into hiding.
Now the only source of light is fire.
Caused by such humane selfishness,
Was your own peace not good enough?
So you came to take others away,
After many days silence comes back.
Not even the sound of someone's beating heart could break it,
What's gone is gone, may the silence rest in peace.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Sorry,
If I seemed mean.
I don't mean to be.
I was just being honest.
Like I said on your other post,
Don't let me get to you.
Sincerely,
Ciara<3
Hi Joseph, and again; Welcome to the YWS!
I will start just correcting some grammatic errors that I found, some where faults others are what I find sounds better. I also added some punctuation since that easies the flow and personally I think this kind of poem is easier to read if it's divided into a few stanzas - I made a suggestion to how it could look.
So, this is an interesting poem. There are a few mistakes and it's defintely improvable but it's a good start and there are a few very imaginative and creative lines that impressed me. Sometimes I felt as though that you had seperate lines that sounds good and seems to have a meaning read by themselves but that doesn't work to well with the lines above and below. Mainly, there doesn't seem to be a concrete thread that goes through your piece and so the overall impression is that this poem is a bit choppy and that the message doesn't get through completely.
For example;
- These two lines seem important to the piece somehow but they are oddly intruduced and I didn't find how they belonged or fit with the rest of the poem. Maybe try to make the overlap from the lines before and after float together a little smoother?
- Same goes for these lines, I really love this ending but it's a bit vague. I get the part with the silence, that you have talked about before but you say "What's gone is gone"... but I at least could not figure out what was gone? Was the silence gone? Because I thought that was the one thing that remained and could not be broken. Anyways, I think you should try to clarify these entire stanza a bit xD
I like the content of this line but I don't think it works that well with the line above so I'd try writing something like "Of a time when things were so at ease." or "From when time were so at ease."
I will give this piece 2½/5 icky, sticky spiders (That's my M.O when it comes to reviewing if you wonder, that I serve you spider doesn't mean it was bad - it's just a demon-thing ^^)
Hope I could be of any help and for being your first post on here I am fairly impressed
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Thanks, It was written in like five minutes I think. I wrote this when in 8th grade, but thanks for the true judgement.
Yeah I agree.
It seemed like you didn't try.
However, don't give up
All it takes is practice. I'm not saying I'm the worlds greatest writer either. 
This is okay, however, I feel as though it's a little short, and it doesn't really feel that meaningful. I guess that nuclear war isn't that meaningful in general, but I feel you didn't put a lot of effort into this, almost as though it took you maybe ten minutes at most to write it. Maybe longer. I don't think it captures the emotion, the rush, or the doomsday feeling of a nuclear war. The terror, the horrifying images, the gut feeling of the end of the world. Try again :/