Published September 6, 2011
I was heading to the bus for our trip to America for learnin about Amercia's culture. I got on the bus next to Bryce Campbell (My Best Pal) and Lewis Gronkowski (My other best pal). "Were Here" shouted Dionne (My Best girl pal). We got of the bus and got our plane. "Mrs Wright (our teacher) Where is it about in America again" I said "The forest of dean for the millionth time" Mrs Wright replied "Sorry" I said laughing."Right Jordan,Dionne and Rebbeca (Dionnes best pal) seats 7,8 and 9" Mrs Wright said. And so on. I feel asleep at about 5.15am in the middle of Dionne and Rebbeca. "Pass a pen" Dionne said. Rebbeca gave dionne a pen as the drew 'WERDIO' over my forehead laughing.
We arrived at 8.20am "Okay everbody line up and exit the plane" Mrs Wright Said. Meanwhile we got to the forest somewhere in the midlle of the forest and put up our tent I shared with a tent with Bryce, Lewis Dionne, Rebbeca and Steven the rest in gtent 2, 3 and 4. Luckly once the tent was up we had to have a game of capture the flag Group 2 vs Group 1(My Group) We ran on the count of free and I heard a voice whispering "Beware of the cave you will be her soon Group 1" Said a voice with a evil voice. The whole of group 1 fainted. "Stop" Shouted Mrs Wright Shaking some of group 1 the all woke up except for me untill Lewis and Bryce got a bucket ofWater and flung it over me. I woke up angry washing off with a towel. Later that night in our tent "Did you hear that voice when we were playing capture the flag" I said "Yep it was creepy what did it mean" Dionne said "well it said Beware of the cave you will be here soon group 1" I replied.
"Follow me" I said. "where we going it half past 3"
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, so this is a very kind of stilted sounding start here. This one the surface seems like its meant to be an exciting trip that these people are being taken on or something along those lines, but the narration here is very flat and seems to be kind of taking almost robotically as it just sort of lists out actions, there's no emotion here to show what their travel was like and how it felt, and where they went through, there's just nothing to imagine here besides some children going on a bus in the void and boarding a plane that's also in the void. The introduction of this dialogue between the friends is the only part with feels like its got some life to it and that also feels a bit clunky with the mentioning of each of these relationships in brackets, while I get that perhaps its important for us to know this stuff, it really needs to be conveyed through the dialogue or just a lot smoother than just listing it in a bracket like this.
The second part here does seem to be hinting at some potential excitement going on there with this creepy voice that manages to sound terrifying enough to make the entire group of kids faint...which sounds like a really serious thing for a trip into this sort of jungle here...so a) I feel there'd be a lot more going on with regards to how the teacher acts, and also you can really portray a scene like this with so much more power if you just take your time cause here once again the pacing is rather rushed, so despite this being a pretty good premise here, it doesn't come across as well as it should.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay so just some simple things before I start. When you change ideas you should start a new paragraph, and that goes for when a new person starts talking.
“Hi,” John said.
I smiled back. “What’s up John?”
Just like the above. It helps us follow better, and doesn’t get to confusing as we wonder who is taking.
Okay so where is your character at? If he is “bussing” to America I would assume he is in Canada or Mexico. Also you don’t need to say “America” twice. Say, “For our trip to America to learn about its culture.” Or something like that. Also it’s “Learning” not “learnin”
Cut the parentheses. They are not needed, and make this whole sentence choppy. It would be easier to tell us about all of them in one sentence, like this. “I got on the bus next to Bryce Campbell and Lewis Gronkowski, two of my best friends.” And then you can bring in Dionne later or something. Also this was the fastest bus trip I have ever heard of. Did you have to go across the border? How long did you drive? It would be great if you could give us, the reader, more details.
Ahhhh… so they are taking a plane. I would make that clear earlier on. Also it’s “off” not “of”
Cut the parentheses and said, “Mrs. Wright, our teacher…” or something like that. Also there should be a period after teacher, and “Where” shouldn’t be capitalized. And there should also be a period after you are done talking.
Forest of Dean should be capitalized, there should also be a comma after the quotation marks, and Mrs. should have a period, and there should also be a period after replied.
Okay you got a good start to what could be a fun story, but there are a lot of grammatical errors you should work on. I would suggest going over your whole thing, putting in paragraphs and punctuation, and then re submitting it once you’ve cleaned it up a bit. It is just hard to follow how it is, and is confusing to the reader.
Also describe more about the trip and what is going on. How long have you know these friends for? What grade are you in? Where are you leaving from?
You have a good start, keep writing! And if you have any questions feel free to PM me!