Published December 27, 2008
Chapter 1
"Five, six,seven,eight!" shouted Jessica Brough out into the audience.
The cheerleaders started doing their stunts as Rachel Redsing sat on the bleachers. She sighed and looked to the left of the room. She saw Coach Barrington beaming at the girls. Rachel looked back to the center of the room where the cheerleaders were. She checked her watch, 12:30. Time to go to Chemistry class. She got up and headed for the door right when the cheerleaders got done performing. When everybody was about to clap, Rachel tripped over somebodies foot and fell face first into the cheer leading mats. Everybody on the squad and on the bleachers started laughing hysterically. She got up and took one look at Jessica, laughing just like everybody else.
"Did you have a nice trip?" she asked Rachel.
Rachel stormed out of the gymnasium and down to her Chemistry class. She was the first one there. She waited for about two minutes and all of her classmates started pouring into the classroom, even the teacher. They were still giggling about the incident. Rachel knew that everybody was there and that she would be getting laughed at for the rest of the day.
The next morning Rachel walked into the school's doors and headed for her locker. While she was shutting it, she heard a girl whisper to her friend, "hey wasn't that the girl who tripped yesterday?"
Obviously, nobody had forgot about it. Rachel meandered through the hallway, waiting for the bell to ring. Once it did, she went down to the Art room. Luckily, she has her best and only friend Richard, to cheer her up.
"Hey Rachel. Ready to make the diorama?" he asked enthusiastically.
"Yeah... Sure." she replied.
They went on talking about science and last night's homework and never once did Richard say anything about Rachel's fall and that's what she liked about him. He would make her forget about whatever happened badly to her and just try to make her happy.
Rachel's next class was P.E. She went to the girls' locker room and got her athletic clothes on. When she was about to walk out of the door, her classmate, Nancy came up to her and said anxiously,
"Did you hear?"
"Hear about what?" Rachel asked oddly, shocked that Nancy even said a word to her.
"Jessica's mom video taped the whole performance, including your fall, and Jessica stole the tape and she's putting it all over the internet." Nancy replied.
"What?" Rachel asked.
Rachel walked right out of the locker room, right out of the gymnasium, and headed for the bathroom.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey. This was, to tell the truth, very boring, like TL G-Wooster said. There was lack of description and again, and TL said, lack of emotion. It seems this would be best as a small chapter book like the Magic Tree house books, or the Boxcar Children. If you could develop this more, it will add a lot to the plot and help the reader be interested. Right now it is going to need a lot of work to be a good story.
good luck,
Clue.
Hi!
This was a nice, readable length, and your punctuation and all seemed pretty good, apart from here:
The bolded period should be a comma.
Unless Coach Barrington is a vampire, that should be "beaming."
Plot-wise and everythingelse-wise, this was rather boring. I assume that this is the beginning of something bigger, like chapter one of a novel? In that case, it works well enough as chapter one. Writing-wise, however, it needs work. You tell, tell, tell. There's no emotion, no detail. When Rachel trips, does she hurt herself? You go into no detail whatsoever about how she feels. Everyone's laughing at her, she's humilated, so show her humiliation. Does she feel hot, go red, feel like crying, start crying, brush it off, take refuge in pride? This could be a good bit of character development, and you completely skip over it.
Later on, when Nancy tells her about Jessica, there's nothing. No emotion. Emotions are what make people, and characters are people, and to make them and the story real, they've got to have emotions. Think about how you react in situations -- we're big bundles of feelings and thoughts and dreamings and wishes. Your characters should be no different.
Hope this helped! PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
The 's' in six needs to me lowcased and there needs to be spaces between each comma and the next word.
Capitalize Hey
If the entire thing is in past-tense then has should be had.
There also needs to be a comma after friend.
It was probably just a typo, but odly should be oddly.
All in all this story is very entertaining and I hope to read the rest!
Your devoted reader,
Chupatoasta