The bells rang throughout the hallways of Saint Bishop Academy. Soon, the hallways flooded with jocks, cheerleaders, nerds, and the ‘Others’ as everyone else called them. They weren’t so different after all, they just happened to be gay. They befriended each other because nobody at the school would dare to be near the scandals that they were. They didn’t care though. If it was up to them, they wouldn’t go Saint Bishop Academy. After all, saints are supposed to be, well, saints right?
~~
“Hey bobby, wait up!” Jordan, his boyfriend shouted. “We have like five minutes, what’s your hurry?”
Bobby kept walking straight through the hallway and to his locker. Jordan pushed past people and caught up with him, putting his left arm around Bobby’s stomach. Jordan loved the way Bobby smelled and loved his spiky, black hair too.
“Why didn’t you wait for me?” Jordan asked.
Bobby turned around and had tears in his eyes. He broke down and started to weep, burying his face in Jordan’s shoulder. Sure, people stopped to glare, but Jordan didn’t pay any attention.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Jordan tried to calm him.
Bobby gave out a sigh of depression, “It’s just I’m sick of people being so heartless, people just don’t understand.”
“I know that; just don’t pay any attention to them. People like them will always be like that, thick-minded. You’re too smart to let them bother you, and when you feel down like this again, I’ll always be here for you.”
Bobby smirked and looked up at Jordan with blue eyes that were glossed from the tears. They both were standing up against the lockers, holding each other. The both smiled and kissed each other, both of their lips fusing into one.
“Fags!” a voice came.
Jordan took Bobby by the arms and said, “How about we ditch Chemistry and go somewhere else?”
“Jordan, we …”
“No,” Jordan cut him off, “We both have over one hundred percent, and we can miss one day. Who wants to stay in a class where the teacher hates us anyway?”
“You’re right, where are we going to go?” Bobby asked.
“Homos!” Came another voice, “Queers!”
Bobby looked at Jordan and his lip started to quiver, “I don’t know why I let them get to me.”
~~
Hours later had past and bobby was home and Jordan was over. They were both on the couch, kissing. Bobby had his head propped against a pillow and Jordan was on top of him, his button shirt magically unbuttoning. They kept on kissing, their breathe growing deeper and shorter. Their tongues explored each other’s mouths and Jordan was now shirtless.
Bobby wrapped his arms around Jordan’s smooth skin and Jordan stood up on his knees. He started to reach for the buttons on Bobby’s shirt and Bobby caught his hands, knowing where it might lead.
“I don’t think I’m ready.” He panted
“Can’t we just …” Jordan tried to say
“No, I’m not ready I told you. I just – I can’t Jordan, It doesn’t feel right.”
“Are you letting those idiots in your mind?” Jordan sighed
“No, I just, I just don’t think I’m ready” Bobby said.
“Okay, fine. How about watching a movie?”
“I’d like that.”
A door shut from up stairs and Bobby knew it was his mother by the sound of her high-heels. A wave of heat splashed throughout Bobby’s body, along with Jordan’s.
“What is she doing home?” Jordan whispered-shouted.
“I don’t know, hide!” Bobby urged.
Jordan was shoved into a closet by Bobby. He ran back to the couch when his mother was just walking in. She didn’t notice that he just sat on the couch because she was looking at mail that was in her hands.
“Junk, junk, junk, ooh.” She flipped through.
Bobby turned on the television and his mother asked, “Why is your face all red?”
“I – I just got off the tread mill when you got home. Why are you home so early?” He switched the subject.
“I wasn’t feeling well, I think I’m just going to put my coat in the closet and take a nap.”
Bobby’s eyes widened and he hopped off the couch. “Let me take that for you, you just go rest.”
His mother gave an odd look from the quick generosity, but didn’t question it, She went up the stairs and went to sleep.
Bobby waited until he couldn’t hear footsteps and went over to the closet. He opened the door and let Jordan out, and then put his mother’s coat away.
“I’m so tired of hiding away in a closet every time your mother or father comes home. It really is getting ridiculous.” Jordan said
“I know, and I’m sorry. Maybe one day we won’t have to hide who we are, maybe one day we’ll be respected. It doesn’t matter how better we are compared to the other people, we’re less in their eyes. And I don’t think we’ll ever be understood. But maybe one day, one day.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi there, Jon! June here!
So, Galerius has already given this a shred, not actually leaving much else to be touched on, but anyway, here I go:
This is quite a preachy paragraph, dear. You're dumping a lot of information on us at once-- it's a lot to take in.
To start, your opening line is sort of bland, Jon. I know that you are trying to introduce the setting and set the mood here, but, the opening line is supposed to draw the readers in, dear.
And, onto your next sentence, this again, comes off as bland. Fluff this up, Jon! Make it more interesting for our eyes
Also! A comma belongs after "saints" in the last line.
While it is good to camouflage your description, Jon, I'm not so sure if it's necessary to do it like this.
Be fresh in presenting a new piece of information. Like, for instance, when Jordan puts his arm around Bobby's stomach, the smell of the shampoo/cologne that Bobby uses can float to his nose. Use clear description, Jon, but don't be afraid to add a dramatic touch to it.
Also! I can understand that the whole situation is hard for Bobby, but why make him break down right there? Why can't he hold himself together to go to a more secluded place? Crying in the hallway seems too fake to imagine, but weeping-- oh, that's way too girlish.
And! In a regular school hallway, it would seem odd and out of place if people stopped to give you mean glances. Most often, they would just shoot a hateful look at someone as they passed by, you know?
Lastly! You cannot give out a sigh of depression. You can give out a depressed sigh, yes, but there's something about using a word like that in a sentence that makes it flowery. He can simple let out a heavy sigh, right?
So! To begin, Jon, the dialogue here is too far-fetched. It doesn't seem real; If I were standing in a school hallway, I can't imagine the scene taking place like this. It needs to be "flattened" a bit; it's too puffy and flowery to be doing any good.
Okay! The whole underlined paragraph needs to be reworded. It's too much shiny description there, when simple, explanatory language could have taken it's place. For all the trouble, you could have just info dumped it on us, dear
Also! "The" should be "They".
Also! It feels like a play being acted out... it doesn't seem like this is natural for the characters. While the place may be awkward for them, they should feel a little bit more "comfortable" with us-- it shouldn't feel like they are under pressure.
That first line just isn't going to work, Jon. Let's try some thing more simple, more fluent, and easier for us to understand, dear.
Hours later, Bobby and Jordan lay on the couch at Bobby's house...
Go with a more simplistic tone; don't try to use heavy or flowery language when it isn't necessary.
The transitioning here is rough, dear. It seems like you're forcing it other than letting yourself be pulled along gently by the words.
breathe should be breath, or breathing. I think breathing is the one you want to use, though.
Again! The flow of this is halted by something unnatural. You should be able to connect the characters to each other, so that the audience can better understand them, Jon. Here, it seems like they're just there-- acting out this part because they've been told to do it.
Make the setting more natural, add drama and be subtle. Don't jerk us around playing with words
Jon! Where is your punctuation after your dialogue tags?
Again! It seems like they're acting this out for a movie scene. There doesn't seem to be any heartfelt resistance or heartfelt disappointment between the two of them.
Give us realism, Jon! We want to know-- we need to know.
Hm, Jon, I smell info dumping!
Describe that heat in the first bit! Is it nervous heat? Passionate heat? Tell us!
Be simple, be simple, be simple! Be careful with your sentence order! Sometimes you give us a bit of information, but the way it's worded causes our minds to not register the information right away. Take a look at the underlined line above.
You're confusing us. Be simple, Bobby shoved Jordan into the nearest closet.
See that last underlined line? Reword it, to make it read easier and more simplistically, Jon.
When your mom gets home does she tell you she is going to put her coat in the closet?
It would seem more realistic if Bobby assumes that she is about to put her coat in the closet; especially if it is a common habit of hers. I mean-- come on, if she mentioned the closet, and he reacted that way, any sensible person would go tear the door off the closet and search every corner!
So! Tone down your language, and then dramatize it. Be simple, but hold our interest, Jon!
Include crucial little tidbit information; He said, changing the subject; she asked, noting his reddened face; she said, putting her hand to her head. Include that sort of stuff, Jon! Don't skimp!
They characters seem extremely relaxed given the situation, Jon. I think that you need to focus more on character development-- making sure that they can live up to the expectations that your audience has for them.
The ending just... it's not fair, Jon!
You had a pretty good idea here, but it was a little flat.
You're off to a good start, though, Jon! Keep up the good work, and let me know if you work on this
Peace
June
Thanks, Galerius.
I didn't edit it in anyway before I posted it on here like I do my other things. I wanted a piece that could be shredded and then I could take advice.
I've never written anything gay before, so thanks for giving some input. I agree with some of what you're saying, although I'll keep somethings the same.
Okay, no. This is reading like a textbook. "This happened, then this happened. *insert some background info here* Then this was the case and so and so." Nobody wants to read prose that's so dry and bare as your first paragraph was. Leave out the description of the jocks and nerds and whatnot; it feels like you're categorizing these people in much the same way as bullies do. Is the narrator a bully? I don't think so, so such cookie-cutter descriptions should be changed to maybe hinting at what social classes the kids belonged to.
The last two sentences need to be gotten rid of completely. We don't need to be told the main characters' thoughts, we want it to be shown to us through their emotions and actions. Telling is boring.
Again, don't tell us what he loves. I honestly don't care what Jordan thinks; I want to know if you're such a good storyteller that you can paint a picture and have me feel what Jordan feels. After all, stories are supposed to spark the imagination and steer the reader into formulating his own thoughts and ideas on the subject. What you're doing is basically television on words. It just...comes to the reader without him having to do any work to understand it.
This has no imagery in it whatsoever; sometimes that can work, but here all it does is point out plain bad writing. "Broke down and started to weep" doesn't do anything for me. Adding one of the most cliched actions in history - weeping on someone's shoulder - isn't winning you any favors either. Find something about Bobby's weeping that strikes Jordan the most and describe that aspect, so it seems like Jordan truly is looking at his boyfriend and feeling terrible and enraged at the same time. I want to see emotion, not jut base words like "weep" thrown in without anything supporting them.
You probably didn't intend for this, but Jordan sounds cruel; he sounds as if he's calling Bobby a baby for crying. I suggest taking out "baby".
How does one go from weeping uncontrollably to giving a small sigh of depression? That's a radical change in behavior in a short time and doesn't mesh at all. Change that so Bobby is still crying when he speaks. Also, his dialogue is contrived and sound something like what a motivational speaker would say. You know, "Hey, do you ever feel sick of people being heartless and just not understanding? Well, be yourself! Follow your dreams! Blah blah blah." A person crying wouldn't be so lucid and articulate. Instead, he should be mumbling something incomprehensibly.
Contrived, formulated, and cliched speech. Feeling down, for instance, is cliched in its own. Why does he have to give such a long response? Just have him say "Shh, don't worry, just ignore them" or something.
First of all, smirking is a sign of making fun of someone or being generally condescending. It's a bad word to use in this situation. Secondly, lips fusing into one is a strange Romantic description when the rest of your story has a "schoolyard", gritty and realist feel to it. Which one is it? Make up your mind.
The little parrot who keeps on shouting synonyms for "homosexual" is getting annoying because I'm beginning to think that you couldn't come up with a good insult, so you resorted to single words that don't mean anything and don't even sound cruel. Have the bully make an actual joke or comment on the way they're kissing...or something besides giving the impression that he's reading words off a thesaurus.
This is just bad erotica, simply put. I don't know what you're attempting to do with such a scene but it's not working; it doesn't advance the story and makes it look like you're trying to bump up the story's rating from PG to PG-13 for its own sake. Take out that entire paragraph and replace it with a simple kiss being given and received, and then Bobby pulling back and saying that he doesn't want to do anything like that right now.
What does whisper-shouted mean? You need to elaborate or describe it.
Yeah, it's pretty obvious that he switched the subject. You don't need to spell everything out for the reader when he can figure it out easily on his own.
So what you're telling me is that these two are stupid enough to stay late every day and almost risk getting capture every day. If they are that thoughtless, they deserve being caught. You have some major background work to do here; make it believable.
Cue the two boys holding their arms around each others' shoulders, the sun dipping in the sky as night falls, and the sound of trumpets echoing hopeful music across the land. Really, that ending was a complete disappointment and easily the worst part of the entire story. It just...ends with a boring, cliched note of optimism and hope that has basically become a joke in itself and not material of serious writing. Change that entire last part so that Jordan or Bobby actually do something to show the reader that they will help each other through. A hug, a small kiss, a squeezing of hands and silence as they stare out the window into the forest beyond. Make it almost spiritual, not just a cheesy monologue that works almost too perfectly.
Overall, this was a pretty bad story. There were several plot holes that I pointed out and it lacked imagery and any sort of open-ended quality that a good story requires in most cases. Implement the suggestions that I've written and it will become viable of winning Gadi's contest; right now, however, it's a far cry from a decent story, let alone a prize-worthy one.