A/N -- Hey guys, i know this is like 4-5 months old, however i would like to make it even better!
I will give points and reviews to people who comment. I would like to get this published and i want to make sure there are no cracks in the way.
Thankyou
---Jon---
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the magical forest where animals could talk and play, Paddy, the friendly rabbit, hopped around with his friends. His friend’s names were Spot the Ground Hog and Tweet the Bird.
One day they were in a field of tall, green grass playing hide and seek. Once they had found one another, they became thirsty.
“Let’s go to magic pond and get some water,” said Paddy.
“Okay" his friends agreed.
As they walked down a path, Paddy stepped into a root.
“Help me” he cried
So they tried.
Tweet tried to break the root with her beak, but it didn’t work. Spot tried to dig him out, but it also, didn’t work.
They were too busy trying to get him out on their own that they didn't once think of working together.
“Go and find some help, Tweet,” said Paddy
So Tweet jumped into the air in flight, searching for help. She scanned the forest floor until she saw a turtle. She dived through the air towards the ground and the turtle, seeing a mysterious bird flying towards him, hid in his shell.
“Please Mr. Turtle, I could sure use your help” Tweet’s little voice said
Slowly, realizing she wasn’t any harm, the turtle came out of his shell.
“What can I help you with?” asked old turtle.
“My friend is stuck and I can’t get him out.” Tweet said “Neither could my other friend.”
“It seems you have a problem, then. Let me tell you a story.” Mr. Turtle said
“I don’t have time for a story, Mr. Turtle; I need to help my friend.” Tweet said
“This will help your friend, just listen,” Said the wise, old turtle
Back where Paddy and Spot were, Paddy was growing tired of being stuck, so he told Spot to go and get help too.
Spot used his claws and sped underground, searching for help.
As he dug, he broke through someone else’s tunnel.
“Who goes there?” A deep voice echoed.
“My name is Spot and I need help,” he said, getting frightened
A dark figure came walking through the shadows and into the little bit of light that came from the tunnel that Spot dug.
“Who are you?” Spot asked
“My name is mole. What are you doing in my tunnel?” the stranger replied, grumpily.
“My friend is stuck and I can’t get him out.” Spot said “Neither could my other friend. can you help me?”
“No, I can’t go into the sunlight, it hurts my eyes.” Said the mole “You did try teamwork, didn’t you?”
“What’s teamwork?” asked Spot
“Teamwork is when you work together to get something done.” Mole said
“So you’re saying if I work together with my friend, we can help Paddy?” Spot asked
“Yes, Now go on, help your friend.” Mole said
Back where Tweet was, Mr. Turtle was just finishing up his story.
“So you see, when you use teamwork, you can do anything.” Mr. Turtle said
“Really, I can?” Tweet said
“Yes. Now hurry along little one, help your friend get out from that root” Mr. Turtle said
“Okay.” she said with excitement
She jumped into the air once more, hovering over Mr. Turtle.
“Thank you,” she said, flying off into the sky.
She flew as fast as she could to get to paddy and when she got there Spot was already waiting.
“Hurry, Tweet,” Spot said “We have to use team work.”
“How did you know?” Tweet asked
“Mole told me.” Said Spot
“Well, then let’s get Paddy out” Tweet replied
Tweet started pecking the root and, at the same time, Spot started pushing on paddy’s side. After only a minute, with both friends working together, paddy’s foot slipped through the root, freeing him.
“I’m free, I’m free” Paddy shouted “Thank you, guys!”
“Don’t thank us,” they said. “Thank teamwork.”
They hopped, glided, and walked away, into the sunset.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,885 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Hi wisemann, here as promised. Sorry it took me so long.
Period at the end.Period.
Period at the end.
No comma after Slowly.
In most cases, Mole doesn't need to be capitalized but since it's a name, it needs to be this time.
Can
Period after Yes.
Period.
Paddy's
There may be more concerning commas but I'll have to look it up so I don't give you any wrong information.
As everyone said, your main problem is grammar. Once you fix that, it'll be great.
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
Well, wisemann, this has some good points and some bad points. Good points first. I can say that a child would be interesting in the basic story that you're telling here. And it's got morals in it, perfect for those young budding minds, haha.
Bad points. I noticed some grammar issues here. You really need to go through and get those fixed. If I noticed them, then they need some attention. Other than that, there really isn't anything wrong with it. But those grammar issues are going to mess with your story and make it hard to read. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this to help you. I hope that you make the necessary changes and that your story turns out well. Good luck.
"The" should not be capitalized.
This is just a little too short. I know it's a children's book, but kids know how to play hide and seek. Give us a few sentences about the game.
Comma after "water" but before the quotation mark. Also, you're missing a period.
Ditto on both counts.
"Paddy" should be capitalized.
Oh, I see, he's caught on the root. You might want to make that clearer in the previous quoted section. And I still don't really understand how he got so thoroughly trapped under a root in the first place.
Capitalize the beginning of your sentence, and remove the comma.
"Go and find some help, Tweet," said Paddy.
Comma after "turtle."
AGAIN! You need a comma before the end-quote, and a period at the end of your sentence.
Period. Also, remove "said."
"My friend is stuck and I can't get him out," Tweet said. "Neither could my other friend."
"It seems you have a problem, then. Let me tell you a story," Mr. Turtle said.
"I don't have time for a story, Mr. Turtle; I need to help my friend," Tweet said.
"This will help your friend. Just listen," said the wise, old turtle.
Back at the root, Paddy was growing tired of being stuck, so he told Spot to go and get help, too.
As he dug, he broke through someone else's tunnel.
Period.
Comma before the end quote, don't capitalize "he," period at the end of your sentence. I'm getting tired of repeating myself.
Period.
"My name is Mole. What are you doing in my tunnel?" the stranger replied, grumpily.
"My friend is stuck and I can't get him out," Spt said. "Neither could my other friend. Can you help me?"
"No, I can't go into the sunlight. It hurts my eyes," said Mole. "You did try teamwork, didn't you?"
"What's teamwork?" asked Spot.
"Teamwork is when you work together to get something done," Mole said.
"So, you're saying that, if I work together with my friend, we can help Paddy?" Spot asked.
"So, you see, when you use teamwork, you can do anything," Mr. Turtle said.
"Really? I can?" Tweet said.
"Yes. Now, hurry along, little one. Help your friend get out from that root," Mr. Turtle said.
"O.K," Tweet said with excitement.
"Thank you," she said, flying off into the sky.
"Hurry, Tweet," Spot said. "We have to use teamwork."
"How did you know?" Tweet asked.
"Mole told me," said Spot.
"Well, then let's get Paddy out," Tweet replied.
...root and, at the same time, Spot started pushing on Paddy's side.
After only a minute, with both friends working together, Paddy's foot slipped through the root, freeing him.
"I'm free, I'm free," Paddy shouted. "Thank you, guys!"
Almost.
"Don't thank us," they said. "Thank teamwork."
Look, Wise, I'm sorry to say it, but you have some serious problems with punctuation and capitalization in this story. It's just the same problems, over and over and over. Once you get those straightened out, maybe we'll have a story to work with, but I honestly had a hard time even finishing this review. I really don't mean to be too harsh, and I hope you'll forgive me for it, but you'll keep having this problem until you resolve your punctuation. I'd suggest picking up a book from the library and studying up on the correct way to write dialogue, especially. It will help you a lot.
Please Guys, I really want to make this better and ventually publish it.
If you are asking me for anything then ask away, do you want reviews, pm me, points?, pm me and they're yours after the critique of course.
Please.
---Jon---
Thanks to both of you for the reviews, I have edited the piece and I would still like to make it better, so more reviews please?
[s]BlackGhost[/s]
A couple of silly mistakes such as capital letters in the wrong place and missed out words but I don't want to patronise you by pointing this out when a simple re-read will probably sort it out for you!
The moral of the story was perfect for your target audience and is an essential part of writing for the young and I think you'ved sussed that out straight away.
Once the simple mistakes are corrected I'd start some illustrations for this piece, if you can do them yourself or ask around and see if anybody is interested in doing them for you. If I could draw I would! Lol!
Olivia
xxx