It had been exactly seven days, four hours, sixteen minutes, and one billion nanoseconds since she had started her diet. Penny Davis had been counting since she took up the cause that was “supposedly” supposed to give her a slimmer waist. She was fighting against all her natural instincts to make sure that she didn’t re-enter the dark side. Except, heck, at the effort she was putting in, she fully understood why Dark Vader had embraced his calling. It was useless. That’s because Penny Davis was an addict, and her addiction was, yes it’s horrible, donuts.
“Penny. Penny Davis,” an eerie voice came to her.
“W-what?” Penny Davis stuttered in panic, letting her ten hotdog sized fingers flambé themselves around in terror while clamping her eyes shut like richly cooked oysters.
“Oh, Penny! Don’t be afraid. It’s just me.”
Penny shuttered, her whole pleasantly plump and vertically challenged body wriggling like the jello she had so strived to avoid. She let one brown sugary eye look around. It glittered with sprinkles of confusion and wonder. Finally, too curious for her own good, she opened both eyes and let them grow as big as cupcakes.
“A-are you god?” she asked, her voice sputtering like chocolate refusing to come out of its Hershey’s bottle.
“No silly!” the voice chided her.
A glowing light came from Penny’s kitchen and her two steak-sized feet plopped hesitantly towards it. Her footprints trailed in her wake, leaving sticky, sweaty marks on the floor in deep blotches that resembled caramel.
“What are you?” she finally managed to say. She pawed nervously at her fluffy marshmallow-colored nightgown as she waited for an answer.
“I’m in here…” the voice trailed from Penny’s refrigerator. “I’m the donut you forgot to throw away when you started your diet. I’m lonely Penny, come eat me.”
“No, you lie!” Penny gasped out. Her mouth was salivating like strawberry jelly slopping out of its can and onto bread.
“Maybe,” the voice mused, “maybe not. Come and check.”
“Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to check.” Penny’s chubby chin swayed back and forth like jerky being dangled in front of a dog as she nodded in agreement. She opened the frig and was blinded by a hallelujah sight. There sat an untouched sugar glazed donut, just like the voice had said. Penny hands started shaking like popcorn in a microwave. She was having withdrawals.
“Must…have…donut…” Her words were slow but searing like bacon cooking on a frying pan.
“That’s right Penny. Give in, I’m good for you,” the voice cooed.
Penny Davis snapped back into reality like red licorice being pulled by a child’s teeth. “I AM ON A VEGGIE ONLY DIET!!!” Penny screamed at the donut and determinedly slammed the refrigerator’s door tightly shut.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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PM me for anything - more critiques (hopefully more helpful than this one,) questions, boredom, etc.
Look to her for nit-picks. I actually just stumbled across this and wasn't planning on critiquing, so I wasn't looking - at all. You got me hooked, though.
Overall, this was great! I don't know why I liked it so much. The food references? Amazing donut? Temptation, felt by many? It's all there, it's all good.
Oh, and I do get the 'supposed' thing. I'd keep it there - I laughed when I read it.
Now, in a desperate attempt to be helpful, I shall suggest something.
The only two things you mentioned where Penny and the donut. What else is there? Expand. Are the lights low, making the donut seem to stand out in the sole light of the refriderator? (Why's a donut in there, anyway?) Is the ground cold - is she barefoot? Does her stomach growl? Does a half-chewed carrot lay on the table?
Show us the world around Penny, and this will be even better. And cut back on your food descriptions. They're good, but when I saw them every paragraph, I got annoyed.
Anyways, I feel awful now - this is probably the shortest and least helpful critique I've ever given. I could relate, it made me laugh, and I was hooked. I loved it, something I rarely say.
Now, don't let your ego get too high.
~JFW1415
Edit: I would suggest reworking the title. (I would help, but I stink at them.) Also, at least add a comma after 'donut.' It was confusing...
Teehee. This is fun. I really like you food references. They really fit with what you trying to do. One thing though.
"and onto the bread" sounds weird. "Slopping out of it's can" would do just fine. That's just my opinion though, it's up to you.
first thing i would say, you are really good. the description was very real, just the way somone would feel if they had gone on a diet. there are a few things i would say :
you could write, Penny Davis had been counting since she took up the diet which was supposed to give her a slimmer waist.instead of
you could also make the story a bit longer and give a little description of the setting. last thing, when the donut first spoke to her, the diolaougue seemed to be the one a friend would use, so try and make it more donut-like.
the rest was very nice.
pm me anytime.
Great opening! The only thing I would comment on , is you don't have an amount of seconds, just the nanoseconds.
Why "supposedly"?
Nice. I like your description and the simile with the eyes. That is good writing, right there.
I think you ean, Penny shuddered
Overall, I love it. I've never acually gone on a diet (I love chocolate too much, if you'll care to look at my name). I loved how everything was like food. Boddy wriggling like Jello, words like chocolate in bottle, caramel-resembling marks on the floor. It all seemed so real.
I think that you're a very talented writer. I don't have much to comment on negativley, ad I look forward to reading more of your stuff.