Young Writers Society

Hey there!

Let me start out by saying that I love, love, love this piece.

I know some of the critics aren't a big fan of your choice to separate the lines in the way you did, but I'm very glad that you did. It slows the readers eye and reading speed, and clearly emphasizes the words you felt were most important. You did that very effectively. I applaud you!

A few lines I really liked:

"Not the jealous way
The trump card
you old card"

The repetition throughout your poem is very nice, but was especially effective here.

A quick critique:

"stucked in
to the victor the"

Did you mean 'sucked into'? Also, I would put 'in to' on one line, it reads better that way.

Alright! Overall a fantastic piece, I look forward to reading more of your work.

Ciao!

Albi

Great poem! It it is very deep and interesting. A cool thing about this poem is that I had to read it several times to understand it, which is good because it is not one of those poems you get and are only surface deep. Great use of white space! I like how you tied in guitars somehow with the meaning of life and don't get sidetracked. You just say what you want and repeat (with the guitar which brings everything back together). Sweet.

Hey Joker!
I'll be completely honest with you in saying I don't understand what the message is in this poem. The format in which it is sit out is quite strange as this bit:
We need to be
apart
          to
              be

Ourselves.
                                                       Beautiful
We could be,
but that will never happen.

Poetry is about expressing yourself with words you don't need to set out the lines acording to the line above. But with that note, the lines that I did understand we're great! You just need to work on it but it is pretty good .

Yours,

Jordan