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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hey there!
Let me start out by saying that I love, love, love this piece.
I know some of the critics aren't a big fan of your choice to separate the lines in the way you did, but I'm very glad that you did. It slows the readers eye and reading speed, and clearly emphasizes the words you felt were most important. You did that very effectively. I applaud you!
A few lines I really liked:
"Not the jealous way
The trump card
you old card"
The repetition throughout your poem is very nice, but was especially effective here.
A quick critique:
"stucked in
to the victor the"
Did you mean 'sucked into'? Also, I would put 'in to' on one line, it reads better that way.
Alright! Overall a fantastic piece, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Ciao!
Albi
Great poem! It it is very deep and interesting. A cool thing about this poem is that I had to read it several times to understand it, which is good because it is not one of those poems you get and are only surface deep. Great use of white space! I like how you tied in guitars somehow with the meaning of life and don't get sidetracked. You just say what you want and repeat (with the guitar which brings everything back together). Sweet.
Hey Joker!
.
I'll be completely honest with you in saying I don't understand what the message is in this poem. The format in which it is sit out is quite strange as this bit:
We need to be
apart
to
be
Ourselves.
Beautiful
We could be,
but that will never happen.
Poetry is about expressing yourself with words you don't need to set out the lines acording to the line above. But with that note, the lines that I did understand we're great! You just need to work on it but it is pretty good
Yours,
Jordan
Thanks, man! Throughout my Undergraduate, I concentrated on performance poetry, which is what I write. The philosophy that you can force a reader to read something in the way you intended it to be read is also something I like to work by. It's also an indication of the subject. by breaking apart my words, I'm trying to show the clarity of each one. The use of white space is very important to me, so you'll see it in pretty much everything I write.
. But I know exactly what you mean. It is a strange form to get used to.