Published July 13, 2007
Okay, this is my first attempt at poetry, so please be gentle with me.
I'm definitely open to lots of critiquing, since I know... basically nothing about writing poems.
Okay... here goes! *deep breath*
---
I stretch out my legs,
Pushing myself up--
Elongated.
I close my eyes,
The humid heat on my face.
I imagine it first,
Then I feel it;
It is as though
I might suddenly grow
A pair of white,
Feathery,
Ethereal wings,
And coast over the mown-short
And dying lawns
That spread without fences,
Looking like a patchwork quilt.
That is when my father calls
In his deep,
Southern voice:
Haley, you're too big for that!
The needles on all the dials are suddenly frantic
As I lose altitude:
A spectacle of burning feathers
And outstretched,
Flailing arms.
I suddenly remember that I am a fourteen-year-old girl
In plaid shorts
on a dirty yellow seat.
I grumble inwardly:
I am only 120 pounds of girl.
Bigger beings have done riskier things.
You can't stop me from flying.
I crunch through the dry,
Summer grass
Towards the house.
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I do love this. ^^ I especially love the "frantic needles" (though perhaps a better word might be "frenetic?") and the burning feathers. Gorgeous images. ^^
I agree with Clau. It was a sweet poem, I loved the description in it and the beginning was really eye catching. Though I feel that more emotion needs to be put into this. I don't really feel anything rather than just imagine something. Great imagery though. And excellent for a first attempt.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Ah, so now I can expand my thoughts!
It's cute, and does work well as poetry. I always ask for more than a story in poetry, and then when I don't need to, I can't figure out why. But I do enjoy this. It needs something more, but I cannot figure out what, so don't mind that I mentioned it.
It seems to properly capture a summer day on a swing ^_^ You do lots of showing, with nice imagery.
I'd love to see you try and write something that evokes emotion, since your visual writing is so nice.
First off, those totally contradict each other :p
but I'll get around to critting this at some point...
I'm much to tired to read, or evaluate, coherently at this point...