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The Farmer (Part 1)

by Joaquin


It was a Saturday night and Anthony was sitting on his chair. He was sitting outside on his porch drinking his bottle of Whiskey. Right next to him was his dog, Lucky. Anthony is a 45 year old man who was buff and handsome. He had brown hair and had a beard. He had eyes that would put fear into other people. Then their was his dog. Lucky was a Weimaraner with the most beautiful eyes a dog could have. He was still a young dog, being at the age of 2. Anthony and Lucky would always go into the forests to hunt and look at the nature that the Earth has brought upon us. They were best buddies and closer than anyone around. 

He poured his whiskey into his cup and downed the cup of whiskey into his body. He looks at the forest up ahead and wondered what goes in in the night. He has never gone into the forest at night before. It was because he knew not to go in at night. There have been cases of multiple people that have gone missing. The police would find blood and torn clothing but thats the most the police can connect to the missing people. 

Then out of nowhere, they heard a loud scream. It was a scream of pain. But Anthony just shrugged it off. He thought it was a prank. He thought it was just a prank that would scare any fool. But then he heard a second time. Now he took it seriously. He went inside his farmhouse and he grabbed his shotgun and flashlight. He called Lucky to go with him and Lucky got up and started smelling the scent. They kept walking trying to find the sound of where it was coming from. As they kept walking, the screams started to get louder and louder. It was an eerie feeling that Anthony felt. Then there was a pause. Anthony and Lucky stopped. It was like time stopped and everyone and everything was paused. Then Lucky started to run. Anthony chased him so he could slow him down and so he wouldn’t lose him. Anthony kept running for him without even noticing that they exited the forest. Lucky made a stop and so did Anthony.Anthony allowed himself to catch his breath and look around. He was in a cornfield. He knew he was in farm. But he didn’t know who’s farm it was. Anthony then looked at Lucky. Lucky, just sitting, gave Anthony a look of happiness. He wasn’t tired, which surprised Anthony. Lucky went back to smelling a scent and kept walking. Anthony was dumbfounded. He had never seen Lucky act like that. Just running at nothing at a speed that he has never seen before. Then to make a sudden stop. Like if he was trying to test Anthony. Anthony kept thinking of why this event happened. But his train of thought changed. Lucky stopped again. Anthony thought that he was messing around. But he wasn’t. They both looked up and saw an equestrian farm. Anthony has never seen this farm before. But it was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen before. He then went to go knock on the door. No response. He knocked a second time. Still no response. He did it a third time. Like the first two times, no response. He decided to leave and just thought that it was all in his mind. Then the door opens. Here pops out a man. A man that is 51 years old. Started to get grey hair but he wasn't that old. He was a muscly man with skin that looked tan. He invited them to come inside. Anthony obliged and went inside with Lucky. 

The old man lets Anthony sit on the chair next to his table. Lucky laid down next to him. "Welcome to my home." Said the old man. "My name is Victor. Victor Moreno. What's your name?" said Victor. "My name is Anthony. Anthony De Luca." Said Anthony in a nervous voice. Anthony was scared. He remembered the screams he heard from earlier but he didn't want to mention it. But he didn't need to. "Did you hear a scream that was in the forest?" Said Victor. "Yes. I did. That is how I ended up here." Said Anthony. " I was trying to find the source of where it came from." "I thought I was the only one who heard it." Said Victor. They both sat still. The were both quiet. Anthony wanted to ask what Victor thought what or who made that sound. But he also didn't want to know. Then out of nowhere he hears yelling coming from Victor's basement. It sounded like a woman's voice. Anthony then looked at Victor suspiciously. Victor responded quickly. "It's just my wife yelling for help or a question." Anthony asked if he can see Victor's wife. He said yes. "What your wife's name?" " Her name is Alexia. Alexia Smith." “Actually, let me take you down to the basement and show you to my wife.” Anthony nodded without any question. As Victor and Anthony go down the wooden stairs, Anthony starts to get a gut feeling, like if something isn’t right. Victor goes and checks on his wife. Anthony waits patiently for what seems like an hour. Victor then comes back to Anthony with a grin on his face. “Go right on and see my beautiful wife.” says Victor. Anthony then goes in and screams in horror. He sees Alexia, bloody all around , especially at the face. Her left leg seems to be broken, with a little bit of bone sticking out. Anthony then blacks out. He feels nothing while being blacked out, feeling like if he has died. He sees all theses images in his head, images that no one can explain. He then wakes up with a splash of water going onto his face. The water came from Alexia. He then goes to the basement door. He figures out the door is locked. He budges it as hard as he can, but no can do. He’s stuck in the basement with Alexia, wondering if he will ever get out, alive or dead.


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Tue Apr 07, 2020 10:37 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello Joaquin, whatchamacallit here to review.

As Anamel has already pointed out, the big chunks of text are intimidating, and harder to read than smaller paragraphs.

Below is a spoiler of grammar, spelling, and wording/flow suggestions. All my comments are highlighted in red.

Spoiler! :

It was a Saturday night and Anthony was sitting on his chair. He was sitting outside on his porch drinking his bottle of Whiskey. These two sentences are already repetitive; "was sitting on" is used in both of them. Try changing up the wording to make it more interesting.
Right next to him was his dog, Lucky. Anthony is a 45 year old man who was buff and handsome. He had brown hair and had a beard. He had eyes that would put fear into other people. Then their *there was his dog. Lucky was a Weimaraner with the most beautiful eyes a dog could have. He was still a young dog, being at the age of 2. This sentence is a little awkward. Try rephrasing, e.g. "Only two years old, he was still a young dog."
Anthony and Lucky would always go into the forests to hunt and look at the nature that the Earth has brought upon us. If the rest of the story is in third person (see my general comments), then you can't use the word "us". You could try rephrasing to, "that the Earth had gifted them with", or something along those lines.
They were best buddies and closer than anyone around.

He poured his whiskey into his cup and downed the cup of whiskey into his body. He looks at the forest up ahead and wondered what goes in in the night. He has never gone into the forest at night before. It was because he knew not to go in at night. "Night" is repetitive here. Try changing the second sentence to "It was because he knew better than to do that", or something like that.
There have been cases of multiple people that have gone missing. The police would find blood and torn clothing but thats *that'sthe most the police can connect to the missing people.

Then out of nowhere, they heard a loud scream. It was a scream of pain. But Anthony just shrugged it off. He thought it was a prank. He thought it was just a prank that would scare any fool. But then he heard a second time. Now he took it seriously. He went inside his farmhouse and he grabbed his shotgun and flashlight. He called Lucky to go with him and Lucky got up and started smelling the scent. They kept walking trying to find the sound of where it was coming from. As they kept walking, "kept" is used twice in a short span of time.
the screams started to get louder and louder. It was an eerie feeling that Anthony felt. Then there was a pause. Anthony and Lucky stopped. It was like time stopped and everyone and everything was paused. Then Lucky started to run. Anthony chased him so he could slow him down and so he wouldn’t lose him. Anthony kept running for him without even noticing that they exited the forest. Lucky made a stop and so did Anthony.Anthony allowed himself to catch his breath and look around. He was in a cornfield. He knew he was in farm. But he didn’t know who’s farm it was. Anthony then looked at Lucky. Lucky, just sitting, gave Anthony a look of happiness. Try being more vivid, such as "Lucky, just sitting there, looked at Anthony with happiness filling his warm brown eyes" to add more interest to the scene.
He wasn’t tired, which surprised Anthony. Lucky went back to smelling a scent and kept walking. Anthony was dumbfounded. He had never seen Lucky act like that. Just running at *towards nothing at a speed that he has never seen before. Then to make a sudden stop. Like if he was trying to test Anthony. Anthony kept thinking of why this event happened. But his train of thought changed. Lucky stopped again. Anthony thought that he was messing around. But he wasn’t. They both looked up and saw an equestrian farm. Anthony has never seen this farm before. But it was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen before. He then went to go knock on the door. No response. He knocked a second time. Still no response. He did it a third time. Like the first two times, no response. He decided to leave and just thought that it was all in his mind. Then the door opens. Here pops out a man. A man that *who is 51 years old. Started *starting to get grey hair but he wasn't that old. He was a muscly man with skin that looked tan. He invited them to come inside. Anthony obliged and went inside with Lucky.

The old man lets Anthony sit on the chair next to his table. Lucky laid down next to him. "Welcome to my home." Said the old man. "My name is Victor. Victor Moreno. What's your name?" said Victor. start a new line when someone new starts talking "My name is Anthony. Anthony De Luca." Said Anthony in a nervous voice. Anthony was scared. He remembered the screams he heard from earlier but he didn't want to mention it. But he didn't need to. new line "Did you hear a scream that was in the forest?" Said Victor. new line "Yes. I did. That is how I ended up here." Said Anthony. " I was trying to find the source of where it came from." new line "I thought I was the only one who heard it." Said Victor. They both sat still. The were both quiet. Anthony wanted to ask what Victor thought what or who made that sound. But he also didn't want to know. Then out of nowhere he hears yelling coming from Victor's basement. It sounded like a woman's voice. Anthony then looked at Victor suspiciously. Victor responded quickly. "It's just my wife yelling for help or a question." Anthony asked if he can see Victor's wife. He said yes. "What your wife's name?" " Her name is Alexia. Alexia Smith." “Actually, let me take you down to the basement and show you to my wife.” Anthony nodded without any question. As Victor and Anthony go down the wooden stairs, Anthony starts to get a gut feeling, like if something isn’t right. Victor goes and checks on his wife. Anthony waits patiently for what seems like an hour. Victor then comes back to Anthony with a grin on his face. “Go right on and see my beautiful wife.” says Victor. Anthony then goes in and screams in horror. He sees Alexia, bloody all around , especially at the face. Her left leg seems to be broken, with a little bit of bone sticking out. Anthony then blacks out. He feels nothing while being blacked out, feeling like if he has died. He sees all theses images in his head, images that no one can explain. He then wakes up with a splash of water going onto his face. The water came from Alexia. He then goes to the basement door. He figures out the door is locked. He budges it as hard as he can, but no can do. He’s stuck in the basement with Alexia, wondering if he will ever get out, alive or dead.


My general comments:
1. Keep a consistent tense. Your story alters between past tense and present tense (he was vs. he is). Choose one and make all the verbs match.
2. Keep a consistent point of view. For the most part you stick to third person (he, she, they, etc.) but occasionally you use first person (I, we, us, etc.). Make sure to stick to third person.
3. Try to use a varied vocabulary, with less repetition.
4. Try to add more descriptions to settings/locations. For example, describe the basement where Alexia is. It is dusty? Full of spiderwebs? Is the wood ceiling rotting? Is the cement floor cold? cracked? moldy?
5. Your plot is interesting and has potential, but as Anamel said, it could use more suspense and development.

I hope you didn't find my review harsh, you have the makings of a great story here. If you have any questions about my review, please ask.

Keep writing!

Whatchamacallit.




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Tue Apr 07, 2020 12:01 am
Anamel wrote a review...



The format is noticeable considering how blocky it is. I suggest splitting up the big paragraphs so it attracts more easier and so that it becomes easier to read. Oftentimes a big block of words scares people off. The first two paragraphs are a good size though. You don't need to capitalize whiskey either.

" Anthony is a 45 year old man who was buff and handsome. He had brown hair and had a beard. He had eyes that would put fear into other people. Then their was his dog. Lucky was a Weimaraner with the most beautiful eyes a dog could have."
The way you describe is calm and not too detailed but also well enough to see what's happening and the descriptions clearly. Anthony reminds me of a kind lumberjack type of look. Small grammar thing, *there instead of their.

"Anthony and Lucky would always go into the forests to hunt and look at the nature that the Earth has brought upon us. They were best buddies and closer than anyone around. "
Aw, it seems like all he needs is his dog, like a loner type that just really like animal companions. By your profile picture you must be a dog lover lol.

"He poured his whiskey into his cup and downed the cup of whiskey into his body. "
This is kinda restating the same thing, but what you can do is add a describer in here to switch it up and give it variety. For example, "He pours his whiskey into a cup and its burning rivers flow down his body and into his stomach." Something like that.

" There have been cases of multiple people that have gone missing. The police would find blood and torn clothing but thats the most the police can connect to the missing people. "
By the way you set this up the reader can already assume something is gonna happen right after. Just to make sure it's not predictable, maybe space it out with some extra sentences before the action happens. Add more suspense.

" It was an eerie feeling that Anthony felt."
Instead of saying he's feeling something, describe it. Is his breath getting shorter, is his body tensing up? Is his heartbeat going a bit faster?

"Anthony then looked at Lucky. Lucky, just sitting, gave Anthony a look of happiness. He wasn’t tired, which surprised Anthony. Lucky went back to smelling a scent and kept walking."
Instead of saying Lucky everytime, you can also substitute it with just 'his dog'. Just so that it doesn't get too repetitive.

"Anthony has never seen this farm before. But it was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen before. He then went to go knock on the door. No response. He knocked a second time."
The way this is being written sounds kind of mechanical. Like it's just describing going through the emotions without a flow. I think this is also because a lot of your sentence structures are of the similar short length plus you just state what it looks like, not the feeling really. Combining some sentences together would help too. Example: Anthony had never seen the farm before, yet its beauty filled him with a sense of awe. He treaded over the dead grasses and cautiously went to go knock on the door. No response. He knocked a second time."

" A man that is 51 years old. "
How does the main character somehow know his exact age? You could let the character guess instead like, 'he looked to be about fifty years old' or something.

"It's just my wife yelling for help or a question." Anthony asked if he can see Victor's wife. He said yes. "What your wife's name?" " Her name is Alexia. Alexia Smith."
Why would a killer invite him in, I wonder? Especially because the main character is strong with a dog.

The ending felt very rushed. No interaction between him and the wife whose now alive again.




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Mon Apr 06, 2020 12:19 pm
R.Harini says...



It was definitely a commendable effort and an interesting read. The cliffhanger at the end also opens up for so many opportunities in the next part. You are well versed in descriptions as well.

That being said, I hope you can add more words to your vocabulary. The flow is slightly childish, but if that is what you are going for, no problem.

"Anthony then looked at Lucky. Lucky, just sitting, gave Anthony a look of happiness. He wasn’t tired, which surprised Anthony. Lucky went back to smelling a scent and kept walking. Anthony was dumbfounded. He had never seen Lucky act like that."
For example here, it would be better if you are able to keep a continuous flow and your words and scenarios more mature. The last part as well was also very obvious, some words and sentences giving it all out before we reach the end.

I hope you can reflect while writing the next part, followed by more works. You do have a talent which requires some tweaks here and there. Overall, the story was pleasing and I hope you can continue ahead.





The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White