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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Guilt

by Jm20


October 23 2014

The axle of my jeep creaked as I drive down the dusty old road. on the dashboard rested a photo of my late Johanna for too years we frolicked in the bright field of bliss until the Angels jealous of our love stole her from me. I still remember that rainy night when me and my Johanna in a drunken haze entered the vehicle and began the trip home never knowing of the lone semi that would brake her bones like an old vase carelessly nocked to the floor. I shook my head and kept driving down the lonely old road until nestled in the woods I saw my cabin. I opened my door and slowly stepped out savoring the smell of the countryside savoring the birds singing then a cold breeze drifted though the pines and with it a voice faint at first then booming in my ear the sweet voice of my dear Johanna. With tears in my eyes I dashed to the trunk and ripped open my backpack I grabbed a bottle of anti depressants and began scarfing them down like tick tacks. Slowly the wind stopped and with it the voice of my lost love. Taking a deep breath I grabbed my things and entered the cabin. The rest of the day passed like any other with me sitting in a chair quietly sobbing with a bottle of rum in one hand and a bottle of anti depressants in another with one final tear I closed my eyes and fell into sleep. "Jacob"! She yelled playfully "Jacob catch me"! The sun shown brightly in the warm summer field my sweet Johanna jumped and danced through the wild flowers she laughed and with a spin fell into my arms I gazed into her warm brown eyes and gently glided my hand over her soft brown skin and said " it matters not where you are now for I will always see you in my dreams". Suddenly a knocking at the window jolted me from my dream "who is there"! I shouted the knocking only grew louder my spine felt like jelly as I rose and walked to the wall the knocking still ringing through the cabin shaking I raised my hand and threw open the curtains. Darkness nothing but cold silent darkness with a sigh of relief I walked back to my chair and just before I sat down again a knocking at the window only harder than before with a slight shriek I fell to the floor slowly the paintings on the walls began to rattle suddenly a breeze came through the cabin and with it the soft gentle voice of my Johanna frantically I grabbed the bottle of pills and tilted it into my mouth and to my horror it was empty with a loud shout I grabbed the bottle of rum but it too was empty. I dropped the bottle which shattered on the floor I fell to my knees and began crying "I'm sorry Johanna"! I shouted "I'm so sorry"! The sounds only grew stronger as I crawled onto the kitchen chair and with my face salted with tears put my head through the noose I took one last look at the window and I swear smiling back at me was the warm kind face of my dear Johanna I looked in her eyes and whimpered "I'm sorry"And kicked the chair.  


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Points: 494
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Thu Sep 03, 2015 2:12 pm
Altamash22 wrote a review...



Hi!

I am actually new at reviewing, so pardon me for clumsiness.

First of all, about the content. The story was good, very good. You portrayed the emotions very well and the imagery was also actually very brilliant. The ending was a bit of a surprise to me. I was not expecting that, but still oddly satisfying. Other than that I loved it.

Then the writing part; As others have also pointed out there are a lot of problems with the story. Missing periods, missing commas, spelling mistakes and a lot of punctuation errors. It kind of made it seem a lot stiff. And probably the story would have been more better if it was put into paragraphs.

Anyways keep up the good work. Hope to hear more from you.
Happy Writing!




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43 Reviews


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Fri Jul 31, 2015 3:02 pm
anniegirl123 wrote a review...



Because it was just one big block of text, the story was a bit harder to read. You should put it into paragraphs, especially when someone speaks. Also I found several punctuation mistakes, mostly missing commas, and a few spelling mistakes too.

The concept of the story was really interesting. The emotions and actions of the narrator seemed very realistic considering the situation and the ending was a bit of a surprise to me. While the descriptions you had were very good, the story felt a bit lacking in some parts. Maybe you should have some more insight into the narrator's mind and his train of thoughts.

Over all, I thought the story was pretty good, but it could use some work. :)




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Fri Jul 31, 2015 2:36 am
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey, ChocolateCello here for a review!

Okay, so I really loved all the emotion in this. I could really feel the pain that the speaker felt.

I would like to say though, paragraphs! Paragraphs not only make the story read better but it makes the everything more appealing. Usually, if I'm skimming over different works deciding what I want to read, I go for the ones that are formatted properly. The set up is more professional, therefore I assume the writing is more professional. Don't let the look of the work take away from the story.

I found quite a few minor errors too, random words capitalized, the beginnings of sentences uncapitalized, and a few homophones getting mixed up. I can't track them all down but a thorough rereading and editing should do the trick.

I would like to also point out that you were missing commas. I'm a bit of a comma freak, overusing them all the time, so this really stood out to me. If you add additional information to a sentence, that's when you use commas.
"the Angels jealous of our love stole her from me." (Angels shouldn't be capitalized)
So here's an example of where you need commas. It should be "the angles, jealous of our love, stole her from me." 'Jealous of our love' is additional information about the angels. If you were to take it out your sentence would read "...the angles took her from me." which is still a proper sentence. (I'm not suggesting that you take that part out, I'm just explaining) If a sentence could be read without the additional information, then you need to separate the information out with commas.

Another thing with punctuation... When it comes to quotes, the punctuation should be within the quotation marks.
Not this- "I'm so sorry"!
But this- "I'm so sorry!"

Other than that, the poem was fantastic. I'm not sure if "And kicked the chair." is needed at the end though. "I'm sorry." Would be a much more dramatic ending, but that's up to you.

(Welcome to YWS by the way)
I hope to see more work from you soon!
-ChocolateCello




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Points: 669
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Fri Jul 31, 2015 12:49 am
Shivo10 wrote a review...



Whoa! I love the details you put into this. I would say to improve it you should put your story into paragraphs. It was a little hard to read because it was in one big paragraph. If you put your thoughts into separate paragraph then it definetly be so much better and easier to read(this is my opinion big long paragraphs hurts my eyes).




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Thu Jul 30, 2015 11:16 pm
SophieSaysWriting wrote a review...



This was a great short story! I loved the way you captured your story, you instantly grabed my attention. Here are some tips.

Tru and separate your parahgraphs, It makes the story easier to read. And it will help the reader see when your on a new thought or when you've reached a diffrent stage in your story. also when he got drunk your writing got a pit muddled. Try to (even though he was drunk) make the way you tell that part more understandable.

Just some tips

Sophie <3





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