in my father's garden

I like it.

Hey there, Jiggity! storyisking delivering a review! I'm still relatively new with these, so some face-palming at my incoherent thoughts maybe be expected. Anywho.

First off: While it's already been mentioned in the two previous comments, your use of imagery is quite beautiful and startling in a good way.

'in time to - '

I love that dash at the end. I always love incomplete thoughts, especially when it comes to stanzas, and the fact that you followed it with nicely with the next stanza is perfect, perfect.


"What falls through grasping fingers
takes root, blossoms into crooked trees
that don't know me from Adam;"

This is definitely one of my favorite parts of your entire poem. The word choices are excellent and reading it almost feels natural.

I especially loved the last stanza in this--reading it, I felt like I was the tree and seeing things from that particular point of view. My only critique is that you suddenly ceased with some of the commas and periods you used before. This is typically a fine direction to take with a poem, but when you start off one way and stir to another, the flow becomes off and doesn't feel very right.

All in all, this is such a pretty poem that clearly exhibits what a talented writer you are! Keep up the work!

storyisking~

Omzy darling! Ok, now you get a real review

I love your last stanza. Parts of me want to fiddle with your first two lines, and cut it to just "I find myself curled between thrashing limbs/and whispered words..." and to nix "hung in the divide." Mostly the divide bit - the first two lines I keep going back and forth on in my head - and have since you sent this to me.

I think I like your original first stanza better. Though, in either version, I'm not sure I like "half-remembered memories." Like, I like the image, but the wording throws me. Though, I have nothing helpful to suggest beyond that ^^ All I can come up with is "a half remembered life." And... eh. But, I still like the original better.

Second stanza - I'm not liking the repetition of "falling" the more I read it. I also don't like "don't know me from Adam." But, on the falling bit. I do like the image. I'd suggest finding a bitter word (slips? Eh, that's not great, either. guh), and - ok. The more I read this, the more I think you have something with the tree metaphor going here, and the rest of the stanza just doesn't cut it. I've been trying to figure out what bothers me about it, because I do like the permanence thing, and I think it's just because you're using too many contrasting images for me. I think I'd like to see something with the trees. Like... I dunno. Crooked trees and them dying off but leaving stumps - but then the human element is a bit more lost. Uh.. tree swings left on the ground, one rope broken, something? Then you're staying with the outside/yard idea, and still playing with the permanence bit, too. Or am I just totally off, here? That's a rather distinct possibility.

Anyhoo! I told you I wasn't happy with just a quick look! Hope this helps at least a little bit!

Bek

Wow! this is really good! Your imagery is beautiful!

Hello there Jiggity! Tucker here with your review, if I may start with how much I love your avatar. Been laughing at that for many a hour. Okey dokey, back to ze review, so this is a good piece with great imagery. Certainly the best aspect of your writing is the imagery and descriptors that you use. You have some really top notch 10$ words that you make work to your advantage, excellent job there. Although, I do have an issue with how you sometimes put periods in rather odd places. It breaks the flow of your writing and looks a little sloppy in my opinion, of course grammar is entirely up to the writer though. Let's dive in now shall we?

"Unhinged mouth disgorging/ half- remembered memories"

I think this is my favorite line, but certainly one of my favorite. Really excellent wording and flow you use here, I love love love the vocab that you use, everything just flows so naturally and sounds excellent. Well done there.

"that don't know me from Adam. Scratch"

As I have already mentioned, the "Adam. Scratch" part really throws off the excellent rhythm that you've already crafted. If I may suggest, placing periods at the ends of lines, commas you have a little more leniency with, but it just throws the reader off a little with the periods.

"weeping skin,"

Perhaps choose a better descriptor instead of "weeping." Perhaps "wilting" or something else along those lines, I don't think the weeping skin is making an incredibly clear image for the reader. Other than that your descriptive words are spot on.

"I find myself hiding in awkward places"

My only issue with this last stanza is that you just stopped using commas in these last couple of lines and it seems odd/ out of place. Unless the stopping the grammar and using a big ol' run on sentence in the first four lines of your third stanza significantly adds to your poem, I would keep it with the commas. So put a comma at the end of this line.

"hung/ in the devide, the only fruit left..."

I love these two lines, but they seem like two seperate thoughts. Maybe break them up into different lines or put a period after "devide" and edit from there.

Love the ending, excellent way to link that back to the blossoms of the crooked trees. Excellent, excellent, excellent. All and all you have some top notch writing here. All my notes were incredibly minor and easily edited. I loved reading this piece, you really do a great job using imagery. I rarely give likes out to poems, but you certainly bought one off me. Loved your writing! Let me know if you need a review, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh