This is a short script I am developing for my screenwriting class. It is my first draft, of my first script.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I've attached it to preserve the correct format.
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I'm not sure what it was about the script, but it just didn't hold my interest. You're obviously a good writer and you can pick that up by reading your work, but after about six pages I just stopped reading. I think it's the plot, it's just a bit plain. Nothing in the script makes me want to keep reading, which is a shame.
I'm not trying to be the arrogant new guy, and I probably couldn't do much better, but nothing really stuck with me. Nothing jumped off the page to me. It was...meh. Nothing bad, but nothing great. You may have a great ending, but if the first few minutes don't stick no one will get to the end.
Sorry if I come off as a prick, I'll be back to see when you put up something new as I think you have the skill, but the idea just doesn't work for me.
Yes, well, then do let me know what will be in store for this. It is a really good start to something new, and I think you can go far with it.
Keep it up and do keep in touch. =D
Josh
Haha,awesome. Thanks for bothering to read it - tis appreciated. It's definetly an interesting story so I know what you mean by wanting to read or see, more of it. But at the end of the ay, I wrote it for an assignment and they wanted a short film so thats what I gave them.
I have been told that it would benefit/ work better as a feature film and I think that would be fun to test out, so maybe I will extend it. If I do, I shall let you know.
Thanks again.
Wow. See, that script was MUCH better then the other one. I really enjoyed that one. Once again though, I would love to read more on the future with Ben. It was a very memorizing story, and it kept me reading. I would like to know what happens if the old grave keeper finds out he read his journal, or maybe even have Ben’s girlfriend/wife in on it to get money, because she seemed curious. Over all, I thought it was a great script. I was a little confused at first, but once I finished reading it made sense. Well done!
Oh dear.
I apologise - I just realised that I added the wrong attachment hahaha, I'm really sorry.
The completed, short film (not radio as the previous version was) is now available.
I would appreciate any comments on that, if your so inclined.
Cheers
Is that all? I thought it would be longer. I was kind of getting into it. There was one line I did not get, but I think it was a typo?
So, ‘there a reason we drove all the up
No where’s ass just for this pig?
Shouldn't this have been rated, like pg13 or something? I was just asking, because the F bomb was thrown out there a few times.
Are you going to continue on with it, because I would like to read what would happen next?
Good Job.
Download preferably - I can't post it in its original format, which is as it should be seen.
It's only a short film script - 16 pages or so.
Do want someone to download your entire script?
Or is it just a portion?
I think it would be best if you posted a portion without anyone having to download it...but that's just me! I don't really know I haven't sent a lot of time in here.