She sat outside, watching the sunset. The last rays warmed her skin as she enjoyed the mesmerising sight. She had enjoyed many a sunset in her time, but none could quite compare to the majesty seen from the heights of the Ageless Mountains.
It was peaceful here. That’s what she liked about it, what had convinced her to stay and make it her home. It was a shame that it would not remain so for long. She sighed, leaning back in her chair. The rough hewn wood of it rested only a foot away from the edge of a cliff. The abyss spiralled thousands of feet down and low hanging blankets of cloud drifted on the breeze below. She could see roots, bugs, birds and things.
As the day slowly died, Magda watched and waited.
*
Footsteps crunched on gravel.
Cal turned to see his lieutenant, Leon, approach. He was a big, rangy fellow with golden hair that swept down his back. A large broadsword was strapped to his back. Leon squinted up at the mountain.
‘You sure this is the place?’ he said, spitting on the ground.
Cal gave him a level look. ‘I’m not in the habit of making mistakes.’
‘Alright, alright,’ Leon said, backing off. ‘Just checking. I don’t fancy climbing a ruddy big mountain for nothing, is all.’
Behind them, the rest of their men set up camp. Cal watched their efficient movements with pleasure; he’d spent a lot of time and effort on this elite squadron. Darkness was just settling in as the campfire was lit. It blazed fiery gold and on seeing it, Cal was struck with a thought.
‘Who is rostered to cook tonight?’ he said.
‘That would be me, cap’n,’ Shasta said, grinning. Cal’s enthusiasm quickly faded at the thought of the seedy, one-eyed killer’s cooking abilities.
‘Great,’ he said, deadpan.
Moments later the rest of the men gathered round the fire, swallowed what could only loosely be called ‘food’ and began to relax. It was not long before whispers of where they were going and who they were to face started to surface and circulate. Cal knew better than to forbid such talk, it was healthier for the fear to be spoken of and released now, than be felt in the midst of battle. He’d seen many a man freeze up in the heat of battle and the result was never pretty.
‘I hear she can take the form of any beast,’ said one.
‘They say she’s lived a thousand years and more, that she drinks the blood of man to do so.’
‘She must be stopped!’
‘She’s a witch,’ hissed one to the left.
‘A whore!’ said the man next to him.
The fire sizzled and cracked, spitting sparks into the air.
‘A queen,’ Cal said, silencing the rest. He surveyed the men, one by one, their faces shiny and red in the light of the fire. ‘She should not be underestimated. She has something I want and I intend to take it. But you should not listen to foolish rumours. Ease your minds and sleep well. We rise with the sun.’ As he said this, he rose up and left the campfire. Just before he was out of earshot, he heard Shasta speak.
‘Aye, I reckon the cap’n has it right. If it lives, it can die,’ he said and the men roared their approval.
As the darkness folded around him, Cal dearly hoped Shasta was right.
*
Magda listened as the men spoke about her.
She felt no anger, only a mild amusement. It seemed the rumour mill continued to churn, whether you lived among the people or removed yourself from them. It did not surprise her; little did these days.
The respect displayed to her by Cal was a welcome sign, but it would not save him in the end. She had heard much of the warrior mage and nothing good. He was ruthless and far more powerful then his humble exterior suggested. Already, he had in his possession one part of the Key and that was a feat she was still reeling from – to think he had survived the rigours of the Mysterious Jungles, the ancient man-eating ti’an trees and the savage tribes that worshipped them.
Magda shook her head in wonderment. Amazing though it was, it spelled a real danger, not only to her, but to the very fabric of existence. That someone knew of the Key was worry enough, but to think he was actively pursuing finding and reconstructing it was terrifying, especially given his success. She would have to be on her guard.
The bright light and heat of the fire was getting uncomfortable on her face, highlighting the lines and seams that bespoke of a life well lived. She moved back a little, withdrawing her consciousness from the sister flame in Cal’s camp.
It was time to prepare.
*
Cal struck up a match, the tiny light briefly highlighting his auburn goatee and shoulder length hair. He lit the pipe, inhaling the smoke deeply. He knew of its harmful properties of course, but in times of stress, such things mattered little to him. Clamping down on the wooden bit between his lips, his left hand reached upward to grasp the chain on his neck. There, only an inch or so long and even thinner in diameter, hung the very first part of the Key. Just a reminder of what he’d accomplished was enough to calm him even further. He could do this – after the horror of the Mysterious Jungles, he could do anything.
He had to.
He shuddered now, remembering the grey-white bark of the ti’an trees stained a deep red and the horrible, constant sound of chewing. It was worth it in the end, but he would never forget that hated place and what had occurred there. He heard, again, the footsteps of his lieutenant approach. Leon stopped beside him a moment, lighting up his own pipe. They stood there in silence, gazing up at the brilliant stars that covered plain after plain of azure sky.
‘You’re scared,’ Leon said, eyes firmly locked upward.
‘Always am,’ Cal replied, huffing gently on his pipe. ‘No shame in that.’
‘No, none. But there’s more to it this time, isn’t there?’
Cal sighed, his old friend knew him too well. He hesitated still, not wanting to say it aloud. ‘I’m not sure I can beat her,’ he said finally. ‘I’ve never doubted my ability or my power before and even now, I am certain of my strength. But it may not be enough, not this time.’
He looked to his giant friend, his immense frame highlighted by moonlight. He had the figure of a legend from folklore, Cal had always thought. It was he the men truly followed, who took the limelight and Cal was content with this, preferring to stay in the shadows. He looked at him now and waited for him to respond.
After a moment, Leon took a deep breath. ‘Is she really so fearsome?’ he said.
‘You know better than to ask. I had to put the men’s minds at ease earlier, but in truth they were right. She is one of the last remaining powers in this world and there’s no telling what tricks she has up her sleeve.’
A worried look emerged on Leon’s face but faded almost instantly. ‘Bah,’ he said. ‘Enough of this worry! No meagre witch is the match for you my friend. I’ve yet to see you fail and what’s more, I have no intention to.’ He clapped Cal on the back, trying to reassure his usually resilient friend.
‘The time for hesitation,’ he continued, ‘has long past, isn’t that what you always say? We’re in the land of the courageous and all that other crap.’
His words brought a wry smile to Cal’s face and no little measure of confidence too. ‘You’re right as always, old friend. I’m glad to see you pay such attention to my words,’ he said, grinning.
Leon chuckled, his laughter quickly turning into hacking coughs as he choked on his pipe, much to Cal’s amusement.
‘Better slow down on that thing,’ Cal said, putting out his own. ‘You’re turning into another Arjun right before my eyes.’
‘That old charlatan?’ Leon said, red faced. ‘You gotta be kidding me.’
He paused for a moment, rubbing his neck. ‘I wonder how he is anyway,’ he mused.
Cal raised an eyebrow, lost in thought. It had been a while in fact, since he’d last checked up on his other squadron, far away across the world, deep in the Scalding Sands. Arjun was the fiendish conjuror who led that second team in an effort to find yet another part of the Key. ‘Let’s take a look, shall we?’ he said now, striding off into the gloom.
Everyone is against 'things!'
I don't know, I just like it there. It seems to fit, not in a technical or contextual sense, but just rhythmically speaking... I'll see if I can change it, XD.
Thanks, Gyr, for the crit. As I said to Esme, I didn't come up with those names - as if, psht. They are generic names provided by the anthology this piece was meant for.
And yes, a tad overdue but still very welcome. I would greatly appreciate your continued critting haha.
Cheers
Yes, I know, I'm terribly over-due, please forgive.
She sat outside, watching the sunset. The last rays warmed her skin as she enjoyed the mesmerising sight. She had enjoyed many a sunset in her time, but none could quite compare to the majesty seen from the heights of the Ageless Mountains.
It was a shame that it would not remain so for long.
She could see roots, bugs, birds and things.
swept down his back. A large broadsword was strapped to his back.
‘Alright, alright,’ Leon said, backing off.
‘That would be me, cap’n,’ Shasta said, grinning.
before whispers of where they were going and who they were to face started to surface and circulate
).Cal knew better than to forbid such talk, it was healthier for the fear to be spoken of and released now, than be felt in the midst of battle. He’d seen many a man freeze up in the heat of battle and the result was never pretty.
‘I hear she can take the form of any beast,’ said one.
‘They say she’s lived a thousand years and more, that she drinks the blood of man to do so.’
‘She must be stopped!’
This is what I’m talking about! You can just make that earlier sentence end at “whispers started to surface and circulate”—you do such a good job of representing those whispers here.the rigours of the Mysterious Jungles,
he was actively pursuing finding and reconstructing it
hung the very first part
Cal sighed, his old friend knew him too well.
He looked to his giant friend
for you my friend. I’ve yet to see you fail and what’s more, I have no intention to.’ He clapped Cal on the back, trying to reassure his usually resilient friend.
‘The time for hesitation,’ he continued, ‘has long past, isn’t that what you always say? We’re in the land of the courageous and all that other crap.’
His words brought a wry smile to Cal’s face and no little measure of confidence too.
‘You’re right as always, old friend.
deep in the Scalding Sands.
Whoa!
I mean, whoa. Like, wow.
First of all, thank you very much. Two things I can clear up very quickly - one, this is one complete (albeit long) short story. For the sake of Caligula's Fantasy Contest, I had to split it into five parts. In regards to the names "Ageless Mountains, Scalding Sands" - they were provided by an anthology and the stories had to revolve around one of, if not all those places.
Again, I have to thank you. That was a very long post - I will consider all your points. In regards to your comment about the grey mass - I can't talk about everyone! So I decided I would pick one member out from among them as a kind of representative XD and Shasta was that person. (He features further on as well). It would take too much time introducing more characters then those I already had - I want a small number so the readers can focus in on them.
I think you're right about the showing their efficiency comment, rather then just telling you about it. That was an astute observation. I do show a bit of it, later though. I added the cooking scene, not only as a way of introducing Shasta but as a way to show some camaraderie and get you to care about them; to humanize them in a sense. The men weren't really pacified so much as silenced by Cal's command - he's not the type of guy you play around with for one, and for another thing, he's their Captain. Even should they have more doubts, once he's spoken, you keep it to yourself, yes?
Rostered - to be slated/scheduled for work, or a particular chore, is the general meaning.
Um, you said a lot, lol, I don't think I've covered everything in this response, but I definetly thank you for putting the time in - I'll be going over what you said in some detail.
Cheers.
p.s The reason I haven't taken this off the site is because its way over the word limit for the Anthology I wrote it for. So, now I can change and extend things the way I want to.
Hey,
This piece caught my eye me in the first place because the name “Magda” pops up in my story, also. So of course I was interested what someone else did with that name (:
***
Quote:
She could see roots, bugs, birds and things.
I’ll shamelessly echo clograbby here. I just - I just don’t like that last word. I don’t. Probably you can just ignore this part, since it’s already been mentioned, but still - can’t another word be used there, with a similar effect (I’m thinking that an “effect” was supposed to be there, but I can’t see it, and since I’m writing about something I don’t understand, and messing it all up, I think I’ll end here, even though that is what Esme usually does.)
Quote:
He was a big, rangy fellow with golden hair that swept down his back. A large broadsword was strapped to his back.
Here I stopped to think, and that is not a good thing, since I have a habit of, when reading, just taking everything for granted. At this point I hesitated, and wondered whose description it was. Almost for sure it is Leon’s, but there’s room for doubt. But, if very , or only a little bit so, I could still point to the lieutenant. And I learned to spell a new word - lieutenant. Cool, no?
Quote:
‘That would be me, cap’n,’ Shasta said, grinning.
He was around? I mean, yes, he could be, without the reader knowing, since no one wants to know every little thing of the story, but still, I feel that whole line just floated out of nowhere. Not the man himself, but his role. Consider him saying what he says, but from somewhere? To eliminate the floating.
Quote:
Cal knew better than to forbid such talk, it was healthier for the fear to be spoken of and released now, than be felt in the midst of battle
Feels a bit run-on. Semicolon? Or something similar.
Quote:
‘Who is rostered to cook tonight?’ he said.
Word proposes: “roistered”. Me, I know neither of the words - I feel bad.
Quote:
‘Aye, I reckon the cap’n has it right. If it lives, it can die,’ he said and the men roared their approval.
Second dialogue sentence struck me as awesome. But, I sometimes get paranoid as far as commas were concerned. Is one before “and” not needed? Both sections of the tag are complete thoughts, and… Er, I’m a bit scared of commas, so I’ll stop here.
Quote:
It seemed the rumour mill continued to churn, whether you lived among the people or removed yourself from them.
Necessary “the“? Also, consider: “you” being turned to “one”. One cool thing about being a critiquer is that you (not “one”, now, xD) can point out things that would sound better to you. And, and, “rumour” is good, yes? Along with “spiralled”, etc.? (Different English type, and spelling goes with it?)
Quote:
the grey-white bark of the ti’an trees stained a deep red and the horrible, constant sound of chewing.
Nice.
Quote:
The bright light and heat of the fire was getting uncomfortable on her face, highlighting the lines and seams that bespoke of a life well lived.
Very pretty sentence.
Quote:
I had to put the men’s minds at ease earlier, but in truth they were right.
Part after comma - sounds awkward, beside the rest of the text. So horridly formal. Sometimes that’s fine, but I don’t like it here.
Quote:
A worried look emerged on Leon’s face but faded almost instantly.
I’d put a comma there, but it’s Esme who says that, without any proof or backup. But it does seem a bit naked without it, no?
***
Scenes:
-> Struck with a thought. The Shasta-Is-The-Cook part. The mini-scene itself is okay, cool, good, but I don’t like the golden frame around it. At first I thought it would lead to something, but it didn’t, not as far as I see. I mean, keep it, sure, even if it didn’t lead anywhere on purpose (why does everything have to have one? Or maybe I’m wrong, that’s explained somewhere in the next installments), but do get rid of that irritating frame around it.
What I mean is I don’t like the “struck with a thought” part much. It makes me expect something, and, well, I was a bit disappointed.
Characters:
-> The grey mass, also known as “the men” in you story. Not Cal, not Leon, not Shasta (though he may be a part, if you want), not Magda and not Arjun. None of those named (we’ll forget about Shasta for a little while, okay? He’d just be a source of numerous future parentheses, and now he won’t!). The gray mass, the soldiers. Those elite, who have efficient movements and among whom whispers circulate, are a character, too. Not each man separately, but together, and should be as thus treated, and should have some kind of a defined role, also. Or, perhaps, not defined, but they should be there, a part of the background perhaps, but visible, always. Er, yeah. They should just be there, and have a personality.
A voice they have, yes? When talking about Magda, after the cook scene. And cool, we find out - a bit - about them, about how they feel toward Madga. They hate her, that is obvious. Awesome, again, hate. Their dialogue expresses that - but what about other emotions? Fear, for example. Hatred and fear. Where did that hatred come from? They don’t know much about Magda, those soldiers, do they? (At least that is the impression I got). Perhaps from the unknown. People hate the mysterious, the unknown. Or they might have reasons that the reader does know need to know (accidents, etc.) but that would deserve to be mentioned, vaguely.
I’d take a chance that fear is also there, then. But I’d like to see it take a more obvious form.
See, Cal is scared. They’re not (if it‘s only hatred, or if they‘re not scared enough)? A short little speech about “easing their minds” calmed them? Or perhaps they trust him. They don’t feel unease, because they think he can do everything? Well, then, show us that Cal thinks about it, or something like that.
Shasta’s lines are excellent. So is the part about if something lives, it can die. But to me, they’re all just too easily convinced.
I don’t know… I’d like to see them grumble, a bit. Or a bit more. Let them grumble in their moves, those highly efficient moves. Not too much, not to make a nuisance out of them. Don’t personalize, if you don’t want, and I’d go for the grey, too, but sharpen their contures.
To me, that speech pacified them too quickly. Loyalty? Hmf. (though yes, I did refer myself to the “limelight” part) We don’t know if they were participants of something mentioned, but that we, the readers, did not exactly see: those trees. I don’t think they were. But they’d still know, wouldn’t they?
Rumors, whispers.
A very cool scene was pointed, one of the men reacting - awesome. But then I’d just like to see that reaction deepened, slightly. The character itself is okay, also. It’s good, really. I like it. I’d just like to see a bit more details of, about it - them - in the story. About their elite-ness, that I am being forced to take for granted, but that I do not seeeee as such. A lot of time was spent on that squadron. Perhaps an example of an effect of that, or something like that, would do. A sentence here, a sentence there…
Back to circulating rumors. That was a nice touch. That I adored. But, they wouldn’t start just then and there, no? Wouldn’t that a cause for a concern of a bit stronger type? Unrest, slightly?
They’re doing something “good”, or, perhaps, “evil”. They are on the road to somewhere, to go and face Magda. They’re men of blood and bones - I’d like to see that highlighted. I don’t know, maybe it is, more, in the next installments - I’m just talking about this one. Still, even if it is, again, a few sentences extra wouldn’t hurt. Unless you have a word limit, that is.
And Shasta is nice. And now I wish I could do this to my own gray masses xD
-> Leon. A lieutenant. Point for you because now I know how to spell that word (:
-> Cal. The hero who admits he is scared. Cool. He has a Key, and survived murderous trees. Has soldiers tagging him, of whom he is Captain (original, at least to the shying away from quest-journey-books Esme). I liked his character, his worries and hesitations.
-> Magda. Described in more that one way. Mysterious, and interesting.
Descriptions. I liked yours. I very, very much like them.
Story: I didn’t really like the main theme, but that’s just a main theme^^. I liked your writing, and that counted. Scalding Sands, Ageless Mountains - not really my favorite read as far us names are concerned, and quest-Key-fragment-of-a-journey, but I’m not throwing tirades. It’s interesting. I’m eager to see what happens. I want to know how it ends for all participants.
Ending Notes: I suppose this can really be found under “Story”, but I wanted to say, once more, that I really liked this piece, and that it managed to grab, and claim, my attention, despite the fact that I’m not usually interested in stories like this. It was excellently written, etc, etc. Consider all compliments given (:
Also, the original version of the critique was murdered mercilessly by Word. Because of that, I actually think that the rewritten parts are somewhat clearer than the mess that is now xD Still, tell me if I still managed to write something weird?
Thanks for posting,
Esme
P.S. Er, no, I didn’t scroll to the bottom of the thread when I copied the story. Yeah, I don’t think sometimes ._.
This story now has a timeline, I'm afraid - by which I mean I'll keep it here for another week, week and a half tops, before removing it. Hopefully, by then I will have been able to put up the second half. It's nearly finished and when it is, I intend to submit it to an anthology, hence the removal.
Thanks for the comments.
You mean the description of the mountain was not enough?! No way!
XD.
It's a fairly generic mountain really, shouldn't be hard to envision and I don't want to waste precious time and words on such descriptions - gotta word limit to work with, dontcha know?
So yes, if I'm able to finish well within said limit, I shall embellish, or rather, embroider the tale with more pleasing descriptions.
Just for you :p
Cheers and thanks for the comment.
Hey Jiggity!
She could see roots, bugs, birds and things.
It was not long before whispers of where they were going and who they were to face, started to surface and circulate
but to think he was actively pursuing finding and reconstructing it was terrifying
XD.
Thanks for saying so
Working on finishing it, just a long short story I thought I'd cook up.
Glad you liked it.
Cheers.
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