OK, this book is not really action or adventure yet, and will not be for the first half. The second half, which will be in thrid person following someone else will be a sort of adventure. It is based around a fictional "Second Cold War" I thought of in the car the other day.
[pre]12/4/09
Dear my brand new diary,
Mama always told me I would get somewhere in life. “Do the family proud,” she said. I don’t think that I will, but here I am, trying to make a start.
Getting through immigration was hard. Since this is still the EU, I don’t need a visa, but after all that has happened recently, they take no chances. After walking though a scanner, I could see a team of armed men all in black and grey, searching through my bags. Not that there is much in them. I could see their faces smirking at my childhood photos of me.
My new place isn’t actually much better than home. The major difference is I have an attachment to my house, and no matter how battered and run down it is; it will always be home. I found the advert in the window of the local post office, it said that he was charging £50 a week, and I took it. All I have is the one little room, with a socket and a grimy, scum-covered sink. I think I’ll go to bed now. The clock on the wall says half past ten, but I don’t think it is very accurate.
15/4/09
I was listening to the news this evening, after another long day’s job hunting; and I heard something very startling. I knew America was doing badly when it comes to money, but that was just amazing! I am worried that the same thing might happen here, but I think back at home should be fine. Mind you, France isn’t doing too well so we might not get out of it. What if the stock market crumbled here? I haven’t got much to loose, but places I buy food from, like Lidl would go bankrupt. The plus side, if there is one, is that everyone else would be like me. Well, I don’t think any house will ever cost millions around here. My rent would go up somewhat…
I also heard that another British spy has been thrown out of Russia. Things could get very messy very quickly if the governments aren’t careful. Maybe a world government would help, but the way the Russians are going about it certainly isn’t the way it should happen.
[/pre]
thanks for taking the time to read. this really won't reflect most of the book, but it gives a sort of taster
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Like the others said kput in more detail whithout giving too much away
but still a good start and souonds interesting.
lol people do usually write in diaries evryday but I would make sure that everything i the diaries you choose to add are relevant to the stroline...
people dont write in diaries every day, not to mention more than once a day...
I notice that in the second entry it says '15/4/09.' Shouldn't it be 12?
thanks for comments. the fact that you didnt know where he was from was intentional, but if you dont like that i can change it. he was going to be from some slums in germany.
and it appears fine to me
o_O Am I the only one whose page doesn't text warp when I read this? *gets the entire paragraph in one line*
Anyways, interesting story so far. There are some unanswered questions, though. You make reference to a lot of things without actually telling us what they are ('the way things are', the country having money trouble'). This leaves the the readers a little blind. Hopefully this will be fixed as you continue the story (I hold back on saying it's a problem, you've only just started. Just make sure it doesn't stay that way is all =P)
I can't really say much else, there isn't enough here for me to really give you any advice or comments on the plot itself, or the characters. =P Maybe when you've got more up you'll PM me and ask me for a critique.
Hi Jezza!
So I couldn't really critique your work at my house yesterday, so here goes...
OK, its difficultt to tell what's going to happen to here, which is wht you want (yes?). But this may seem slightly too vague for proper critics. Try and edit it so that you can keep up the mystery of being in the UK a bit longer, that would be the best type of suspense you can get at this point in a story.
Perhaps you should forget about the inaccurate clock on the wall, its all a bit unnecessary, you've said about a grimy room - get over it!
All in all, quite a good start. Make sure you keep the style constant, considering this is a person's diary.
Keep up the good work, I'll look forard to reading more!