Who in their right minds decided to brainwash every single person who’s ever seen an old-time horror flick to think that zombies were slow, dumb, and have drooping rotted flesh falling off of their decaying bodies? Hmm???? Because whoever it is, I want to kick their ass right now. Everything I learned in those old crusty theatres as a kid is fighting against me right now. My friends and I used to play in my mom’s backyard, imitating the worm-infested bodies we had seen so often on the big screen. We would stick our arms out straight, clumsily put one leg in front of the other, and voila! You have a zombie! Ignorance is bliss I guess.
Jameson’s feet were pounding, leaving deep and defined footprints in the cold dead snow, and his arms had long since dropped the fire wood he had been gathering for Grandpa. Dodge. Dodge. Tree after tree went whizzing past his ears and missed him by centimeters. Back to the cabin. That’s it. Just get back to the cabin and everything will be ok.
He swiveled his head around to make sure he wasn’t having just another horrible nightmare. Nope…. This is unreal. Zombies move like molasses and groan??? Bullshit!!!!! This motherfucker’s truckin’ it.
Looking ahead, Grandpa Joe’s old rickety cabin could be seen. Smoke winded up from above the chimney and eventually fizzled out into the beautiful snow above. Every light was turned on. Grandpa was standing on the front porch waving to Jameson, wearing the inviting smile that Jameson had grown to love in his 19 years of life. Oh please, Lord, just let me make it there.
Why didn’t I bring Daddy’s shotgun? At least that worked in the old movies. Sweat was pouring buckets over Jameson’s eyes, contorting his vision to a very annoying degree, despite the below freezing temperature. He could hear the dull heavy thuds of the monster behind him, hunting him down. Almost there. One more look behind.
Damn!! He doesn’t quit! He’s on all freaking fours!! Looks like a dog chasing down a rabbit. That rabbit’s me...
Terror began to rise in Jameson. It began all the way down in the bottom of his feet, sprinting for his life, and ended at the very tip-top of his head. And in the very instant that terror touched his brain, an idea formed. He dwelled on this, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a good idea. The right idea. It made complete sense in that very moment. “Could this be Hell,” he thought?
He was nearly weeping now from the pain and agony of running from this putrid beast.
It was so close now. He could feel its warm breath on the back of his neck. Smell the blood from its last victim running down its grinning lips.
“God forgive me,” he cried! “Forgive this lonely wretch,” he screamed, sobbing into the gray, snowy sky with an unappeasable feeling that things weren’t going to be alright this time. He wouldn’t be forgiven.
This is Hell. It makes sense. I’ve wasted away my life and now I’m being punished. God took a back seat to drugs and sexual desires. “But, it’s not my fault,” Jameson whimpered. The Beast lashed out and a gouged his back, sending blood seeping down his legs and dripping into the pure, white snow below, which the beast pounced on and continued the chase not two seconds later.
Jameson let out an inhuman cry and began to weep.. My parents got divorced three years ago! I needed a distraction. God, what did I do??? He allowed himself one more look at the cabin. He had to be close now. Like some ridiculous magic trick, the cabin was still in the far distance. He could see Grandpa’s smiling face.
I won’t ever get any closer will I? This is Hell. Of course I won’t. The nuns never thought it would be useful to teach us that Hell didn’t have fire and pitchforks, huh? He allowed himself a quick smirk between his gasps for air. The beast lashed once again and this time tore out most of the left side of Jameson’s neck.
Ahhh! God why have you forsaken me?
He continued running towards the far-away cabin he knew he would never reach, but he still had to try. Jameson had had his chance in life to go through the doors of that cabin. For now he would just have to keep running from this unknown evil behind him for eternity…
Oh, God.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I assume this is the first part of a novel? It wasn't a complete story, that's for sure.
I did enjoy it though, it was a rather fresh take on the zombie sub-genre. And your writing was good, great in fact. I really couldn't pinpoint any glaring reoccurring errors. If I had a little more time I would do a line-by-line, but it's dinner time. So I will say well done on an interesting read. There is more criticism backed up but I may have to come back to this.
Keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your work.
JP
Hi there!
You must have edited this since the last comment because you definitely have paragraphs in this. It is important that you have paragraphs to represent a new idea or a conversation.
Anyway, this is a failry good story. I like the general idea, a zombie apocolypse. I was a little confused by it though. Where exactly is this boy? Is he in his hometown or is he visiting his relatives? What does he look like? Who are the friends that he played with when he was younger? Sure this is a short story, but you still need to give us some background information.
Also, where did the zombies come in? All of the sudden, Jamenson is getting chased by something. I want to know if he heard the zombie coming or if he was snuck up on. You should've put some more emotion into this as well. If I was getting chased by a zombie, I would be totally freaking out. I think you might have under played that. Really dig deep into Jamenson's feelings.
Overall this is a good idea for a story. If you go back and fix a few things, it'll be great. Happy Review Day! Keep writing!
this was inveresting. I like it. But, you NEED paragraphs! It's really hard to read a huge chunk of writing like this. It just makes the story so much better if it's split up and easier to read. It made me sad that at the end he didn't change, didn't find a way out. It had a sad ending. But, that's not bad, and really, once you make it to hell there is no happy ending. I didn't find any typos or mistakes, but I wasn't looking too carefully. I was caught up in the story. I do think you should think of a more creative title though. this one didn't really catch my attention. Guess that's all. Keep writing!