Published June 28, 2009
12:57. My eyes were more fixed to the time on my car’s clock than on the actual road. One might call that dangerous, but anyone in my predicament would understand. I had three minutes to spare. Maybe, just maybe, it could be barely enough time. The moon’s soft glow mingled with the blinding gleam of my headlights to, quite literally, light my way. I sent the car into overdrive and hit speeds at which no man ought to travel. I swerved this way and that between the few vehicles on the night’s road. I had no regard for the law. Yet, God help me, for I knew not what would become of me if I were unable to arrive on time.
12:58. The sweat accumulated about my throat, and I adjusted my collar just to give myself some peace. It hardly did anything as my heart nearly leaped from my chest with every beat, and every breath became a gasp of desperation. I saw my next turn almost too late and veered sharply to the right to stay on track. The damned, winter road left me sliding precariously on a stretch of ice, threatening to send me sprawling into the ditch, leaving my destiny unattainable. The few seconds it took me to straighten my car left me breathless and in more anxiety than ever before.
12:59. My destination was in sight. I hastily turned into the vast parking lot, and saw to my pleasure, that there were a scant few cars here. The building looked worn. It used lavish decorations in an attempt to cover it, yet it could not hide its decaying essence. I was not to step out of my car. I pulled alongside the wall of the building. I was there. I had made it. Upon my entrance, a man hailed me from a window directly to my side. He was well-dressed, yet disheveled. He was quick to respond, full-well knowing the consequences of crossing a man of my stature. Few words were exchanged. I never even told him who I was. I only told him what I wanted, and he knew to act quickly. He disappeared momentarily, only to return with the bag for which I so feverishly yearned. I slapped a wad of cash into his hand, nodded farewell, and was gone.
1:00. I sped on into the night, awash in triumph. I couldn’t keep myself from immediately tearing the bag open and stuffing the first savory bite of Taco Bell quesadilla into my inviting mouth. Dashboard dining never felt so good.
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141,329 Literary Works • 674,350 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start. I honestly can't decide if this is meant to be a tense action sequence of some sort where we have this dangerous ticking clock that could spell doom for the whole world or if this is just an overdramatic rendition of someone going to work having started rather later. The issue I think is that it doesn't sound quite serious enough to be the first one and the drama isn't quite high enough to be the second one. Well let's see which one it ends up being.
Hmm that balance really is maintaining itself here and I am loving it. I think this is honestly the perfect way to do it if you were trying to do this for the overdramatized one because that slight bit of doubt in itself adds an extra layer of tension into the situation which would then make the final reveal that much more powerful and given how the timer is quite so tiny here, I think that is the direction I've settled on as to my prediction on where this is going.
Ahhhh yes,, this is perfection here. My bit of deduction worked out after all. I loved the way you handled that ending. The drama ramped up just enough to tell us exactly what this is an ultimately the whole punchline really hits home as a result. You've definitely managed to pull off nearly the perfect little surprise here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Wow, Jester, wow! That is what I call adventure! It was so real! My heart was pumping the adrenaline rush as the countdown got closer and as the action escalated I thought my pulse was going to spike that high it was going to flat line! It was perfect! This Taco Bell must be really worth it, well from what I remember of it, it is!
Thank you very much for your critiques Hannah and June. As I read my story again, I realize that the verbosity could be significantly slimmed down.
And June! I really am surprised that you picked About Tears for story of the week, but I am honored! Thank you, and I'm so glad that you like my work!
Jester! June here!
Haha, this is gold. I love, love, love how you created the tone at the beginning; I was honestly expecting it to be something more like a mission or something else he couldn't be late for. The end brought a wonderful twist to this.
I do have to agree with Hannah on the ground that it was a bit wordy; I like the length of it, yes, but some of the words were like... just too big! It was beautiful wording, but I think it was a bit too strong for the ending.
Nevertheless, this was an extremely excellent piece with a wonderful touch of humor. I really like your work, Jester.
(also, have you noticed that About Tears is the story of the week at Writing Gooder?)
June
Hey, Jester! Saw this on the front page and thought I'd pop in. I'm Hannah, by the way. ^_^
... Wait. So, I was totally going to go into a rant about how you're making this way too over-dramatic and annoying with unnecessarily long words and phrases, but then I peeked at the end. Then I read all the way through it and realized what it was. <_<; I guess it's kind of hard to critique pieces like this, because they're written solely for the surprise humor factor.
Still, I think you can afford to tone it down just a /little/ bit. Some readers might get so annoyed by the stilted phrasing that they'll stop reading and never get to the punch line. Take some of it in. Also, I'd recommend keeping it just the times rather than saying 'the time was' over and over again. It's simple, but it does the same thing, and it will look more efficient and appealing.
PM me if you have any questions or if you'd ever like me to review any of your other work! ^__^ Good work.
-Hannah-