One day TinkerJessica went to her house and started tinkering with her pebbles, stones, buttons, etc. Then all of a sudden she realized that she could maybe be able to make a time machine with all that junk she has collected in the past years. So, she started getting bolts, srews, srew drivers and even scissors. First she put a huge box on the ground then she put a satellite dish on top of it. Then she ran to the junk yard and found a brand new light bulb. She quickly walked back to he cabin. She sat on the floor, went into the box and screwed the light bulb into the box type of looking thingy. Then she took soem wrapping paper and wrapped the box with faerie wrapping paper. After all that she grabbed some glass from under her dining table and glued it on to the box (for doors). Then, she grabbed X-mas bulbs and used them as a door knob. She then took a button and glued it on to the box. Then took another oen and glued it on. Then glued all sorts of numbers into the box. She was finally done! She mumbled to herself " I don't think this will sork but I will give it all". She hopped right in that time machine and pushed 4 numbers. 1998. Then pushed the green button. All of a sudden she felt a jolt. She walked out of the machine and said this does not look like my cabin! Then she said. I can't belive! It worked!! After all that work. She quickly ran outside, there were hippies, bigfoots, regualar people. But then, she spotted her mom and dad. She said oh my gosh! Tell me that is not my mom and dad! It sure looks like them a voice came behind her. She quickly turned around noone was there. She looked under her lehgs noone was there. She looked on her shoulder and there stood a tiny bug name Scrappy. Scrappy was the bug that helped her collect little scraps of things at the junkyard. What are you doing here Scrappy? Scrappy said well, I wanted to come because I was worried. Awwww. Well, I guess it's allright. As long as nobody knows we left. Then all of a sudden they saw TinkerJessica's parents come up to her and say " you look like our younger daugher!" Oh. Well im not your younger daughter. We must be a look -a -like.... TO BE CONTINUED.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well for starters I have to begin by saying that this could do with a spot of paragraphing. As it stands at the moment, this one just does not have anything remotely resembling a paragraph despite several changes in scene and time skips both literally and within the story so you've really gotta look into separating those out a bit otherwise this becomes a very difficult to piece to follow here.
Moving past that issues though, we do have ourselves a pretty intriguing premise here. I love the idea of someone just somehow randomly building a time machine from bits of scrap metal. I think its a wonderful idea here. There's something very cartoonish about the whole thing and if that was the sort of effect you were going for this works wonderfully, although if this is meant to be on a more serious sci fi note you might need to think about some slightly more convincing explanations than what we've got going on here.
As for the ending, I like it. It adds a nice extra touch of a cliffhanger into the mix and that's always lovely. I'd say this one if fairly effective too in terms of getting us wanting to read more. All I'd say is that perhaps you need to slow things down a touch because it is all happening incredibly fast here. The pacing needs to be spread out a touch more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks guys.
This story is strange and doesn't flow well. We need more descriptions and coherence. It sounds rushed, the plot narration IS rushed and it gives no background or reality anchoring. Everything is just there and suddly appears.
Before I even try to correct the grammar and other errors of the piece you should SLOW DOWN and DESCRIBE. It is really awkward and weird, so while you will probably get a lot of attention for it, it won't be 'yay this is good' for at least awhile. Even so YWS discourages simple 'yay that's awesome' posts, because they aren't helpful reviews.
Thank you Melissa and Thirst. I did not know that.
Hey, Jes. This is a really cute beginning to a story, but you should try to extend it. :]
Oops. Sorry, sis. :/
Also, Thirst_23 is right: there is a 2:1 ratio, meaning that for every story of your own that you post, you should edit/critique two of someone else's. :] But you wouldn't know that, 'cause I forgot to tell you.
Anyway, I'll help you to fix this up later on if you seriously want to make this longer. :]
Love you,
Sissy
Hi, TinkerJessica. I just thought I'd let you know that you're not supposed to bump threads on this site. Also, they ask you to read other peoples stuff more than you write yourself
It's cool that you want to write when you're so young.
It's a cool idea, building a time machine out of bits and peices lying around the house. You must have quite the imagination.
Here's some advice to help you get better when you write. Read your stuff out loud after you're done writing; listen to how things sound. You start sentences with the same word a lot, "then." It just makes it hard to read.
A cool game might be to see how many different ways you discover to say the same thing. It's not stupid, it's a good way to grow.
Good luck with writing.
Ugh! No one will find my story!