Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
As I left the shower, I walked straight to the bedroom, but couldn't find it in me to get dressed. I knew if I didn't get dressed, he'd soon meet me there. I decided the best thing to do was to lay down. I curled myself up in a ball with the towel, covered, but undressed. I missed his touch, yet it didn't feel right. I heard his steps getting louder. This can't be. I got up in a hurry, and shut the door before I saw his face. One layer of clothing after the other, I was ready to go, I was ready to run.
I stepped off the bedroom, he was sitting on the floor, in the hallway, as if he was waiting for me to come out.
- What are you doing on the floor? - I asked.
- I was worried about you. You were in the shower for about three times more than usual. I was afraid you were doing something you shouldn't.
I should never have told him.
- Don't be silly, I'm fine. I'm going to go buy some soup real quick. - I said.
- Want me to go with? Are you sure you're okay? - He said, reaching out his hand towards mine.
- Look. I'm fine. I just need to walk a little, I'll be back soon.
He kept on sitting there, as I walked away. No goodbyes.
I had left my comfort zone, and I had entered the woods. There he was. He lit up the fire, again. Everything was a blur. I stumbled through the darkest grins, but he helped me through it, he lit up the fire, again, and I took a deep breath. I was high, but so low. He held my wrists gently and I met the cold, moist dirt. I heard owls, and I felt him shake. We shook together. He took a deep breath, and we were both high, and we were both low.
- She is in a better place. - I said.
He cried. I touched his bare chest, his arm, her face. Her forever still smile, her eyes that would never shut.
- I love you. - I said.
He didn't move. He stood there, looking up at the sky, feeling my hands travel the still memories he held on to, so desperately. Two fingers together holding his escape, he inhaled profoundly, and exhaled, as the smoke mixed in with the fire. He sighed, and stood quiet for a moment.
- I know. I'm sorry. - He said, after that brief moment, that seemed to last forever.
We collapsed into each other's arms, again.
He was just like me. Two intelligent people who were underrated and misunderstood.
- I went to school today. - He said, his arm under me, keeping me from touching the dry, broken leaves.
- You did? That's great! How was it? - I asked, smiling at him.
His brown eyes sparkled more than the moon over us. The fire burned beside us, and the cold wasn't there.
- It was alright. I didn't see you, though. Where were you? - He asked.
- I left after math class. Couldn't really bear it.
- Alright.
- Aren't you going to ask me where I went to after I left? - I said, looking at him, as he looked up.
- I don't really care, you know.
It broke me that he was so uninterested, but at the same time, it was what made me want him so much. Once again, I placed my hand in his chest, as he closed the eyes and took a deep breath.
- Do you love me? - I asked.
- That's a dumb question.
Cold hands, hidden inside the sweater's sleeves, the feeling of guilt far from present.
- Are you feeling better, sweetie? - He asked.
- Better? - I said, slightly confused.
- You went out to buy soup, you weren't feeling all too well. Are you feeling better? - He explained, as patiently as usual.
- Oh, oh yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm feeling better. I forgot the soup, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. - I excused myself, walking away from his presence.
- I know, I had the feeling you'd forget, I bought some, and I already made it for you, so you could have some when you got back. It's in the kitchen, if you'd like some. - He said, walking towards me.
- Oh no, no. - I choked. - No, you know what happened? - I said, taking awkward, slow steps backwards as he approached me. - I wanted soup but I wasn't really in the mood to make some, so I ate some in a restaurant... You see, that's why I didn't bring any. I'm fine, thanks. - I said, eventually breaking the eye contact, turning away from him, and walking in a steady pace.
- Are you sure you're okay? - He said, walking behind me.
- Look. I'm fine. I just need sleep. - I said, without looking back. I couldn't take lying to him anymore.
I walked inside the bedroom, hearing his steps cease, he had stopped walking. The silence made our steps obvious. Mine were present, his were lowering speed and volume. He was walking away from the bedroom.
I lied down, again, grabbed the sheets and waited. I heard his steps, once again. I knew. Predictable. Closer, and closer. As expected, the door opened.
- Look, I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but I can tell there's something going on, and I don't want to see you like this. I mean.. I know I'm dumb, and I mess everything up, I just don't want it to affect you. I'm so sorry.
I stood silent.
- I know I don't deserve you, and I know you're tired of having me around, but I really love you. And I want to make things right. I know that it's hard for you to deal with me every single day, and that you'd rather not having to, but I don't know what else I can do. I love you, and I'm scared that you might leave me, even though I don't think you really would. Or would you. Do you want to leave? Do you love me?
I closed my eyes, and felt his despair increase. I took a deep breath and slipped his words out of my mouth.
-That's a dumb question.
He closed the door, and I fell asleep.
He stood in the living room with our housemates, playing videogames, as they asked him if everything was okay with the two of us. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore, and walked towards the bathroom, kneeled down, and grabbed his razors.
I knew I should had never got involved with someone even more emotionally damaged than me. I was cold and distant, he was fragile and emotional. I was too scared of hurting him, so I pulled back. I didn't know that pulling back was what hurt him.
I was as a knife stuck in his chest, if I ever were to stay, it'd hurt, but he'd learn to live with it, until he slowly started to fade away, dying. If I were ever to pull back, he'd die instantly, with entire certainty.
I was his slow, painful death.
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138,514 Literary Works • 672,146 Reviews
Hiya Jess!
I'll review as I read.
I heard his steps getting louder. This can't be. I got up in a hurry, and shut the door before I saw his face.
I found these lines a bit confusing. I though she was waiting for him and then she says this can't be.
I stepped off the bedroom
You mean I walked out of the bedroom?
This made no sense to me. I am guessing she is recollecting something from the past. But the words here are kinda jarring and do not manage to tell anything. I suggest you rephrase it so the readers get the meaning.
He cried. I touched his bare chest, his arm, her face. Her forever still smile, her eyes that would never shut.
Again, makes no sense. Who is the her here?
The whole recollection section is kinda confusing. It feels like you are getting lost in the words. The sentences are confusing, there are way too many commas, it read like a mess.
I suggest you add a line breaker when the scenes change.
It needs a lot of tweaking.
The story improved at the end. It was very well done. You feel her despair and want to reach out and help her.
What it lacks in descriptions and details it makes up in the dialogues and the emotions.
Overall, it made for an interesting read. Just don't be so harsh on the reader and make it so confusing to understand. You may know whats going on as its all planned and pictured in your head. But the reader doesn't have access to that picture unless you tell them.
Hope this helped!
keep writing!
-Holy mother-
I am ever so sorry for being incredibly confusing. It's just that I have an extremely hard time typing out my thoughts, and so it usually comes out as a big mess.
'I heard his steps getting louder. This can't be. I got up in a hurry, and shut the door before I saw his face.
I found these lines a bit confusing. I though she was waiting for him and then she says this can't be.
I stepped off the bedroom
You mean I walked out of the bedroom? '
- I did, I did mean walk out, that was my bad. I'm brazilian, so the languages mess up in my head, especially while writing.
This made no sense to me. I am guessing she is recollecting something from the past. But the words here are kinda jarring and do not manage to tell anything. I suggest you rephrase it so the readers get the meaning.
-Pretty much, it's better explained later, but it's a boy from school she meets in the woods, after school, which is why they talk about classes. It's confusing because you don't really get the whole woods part. The "lit up the fire" is an expression she uses to say that they got high. "We were both high (on drugs) and we were both low (miserable)".
He cried. I touched his bare chest, his arm, her face. Her forever still smile, her eyes that would never shut.
Again, makes no sense. Who is the her here?
-It's a tattoo in his arm, which is why her smile is forever still.
'I suggest you add a line breaker when the scenes change.'
-I'd like to do that, but I'm not quite sure how?
Thank you so much for the review! It means a lot.
I will!
Line breakers are simple.
If its a scene change you could go with-
____________________________________________
or
* * *
Here, its a recollection she is having. You don't necessarily have to put a line. You could make the text in italics. In your case as the whole is in italics, you could make it normal.
For eg.
No matter what he went through his smile was always the same. It had the same sparkle I saw when I first met him.
'Hey,' he said, turning around in the seat to look at me....
....
....
Hi there! Calvinn to review for you on World Cup day
.
First off, here are a few nitpicks which caught my eye -
"I stepped off the bedroom, he was sitting on the floor, in the hallway, as if he was waiting for me to come out." - I think you meant to say, 'I got off the bed'. Having said that, this sentence really captured the moment. Despite the many commas and phrases, it works!
"I stumbled through the darkest grins" - This is somewhat confusing. Maybe you meant something else instead of 'grins' and it's a typo?
"I touched his bare chest, his arm, her face. Her forever still smile, her eyes that would never shut." - This is unclear. You shift from male to female in the same sentence.
"- Aren't you going to ask me where I went to after I left?" - 'to' is excessive here, it accomplishes nothing. Remove it.
Unless the boy is a dropout or someone who misses school regularly, the MC's reaction to being told he attended school is unjustified. I think you should provide more information here, instead of being vague all the time.
"I placed my hand in his chest" - 'on' his chest
"he closed the eyes and took a deep breath." - closed 'his' eyes
"- I know, I had the feeling you'd forget, I bought some, and I already made it for you, so you could have some when you got back. It's in the kitchen, if you'd like some" - over here, you need punctuation. Long sentences can be shortened and made more effective that way
Also, you have a tendency to move from one thing to another without an explanation, jarring the flow of your piece. I thought she was having a flashback to another day, and not the one where she went out to buy soup.
"I lied down, again" - I lay down
"and that you'd rather not having to" - You'd rather not have to
"I was as a knife stuck in his chest" - Remove 'as'
Overall, this needs work. Little punctuation and you like to 'tell, not show'. Despite this? I loved it. I cannot understand how you made this work, but you made me feel their despair, their emotions. Even having it in italics makes it more emotional! For the life of me, I never would have thought I'd like this, much less love it. But I did. And I'd read it again, and again, and again. The ending was beautiful, done to perfection. I haven't 'liked' a work in so long, but you absolutely deserve it.
Well done
Hey there!
.
"I stepped off the bedroom, he was sitting on the floor, in the hallway, as if he was waiting for me to come out." - I think you meant to say, 'I got off the bed'. Having said that, this sentence really captured the moment. Despite the many commas and phrases, it works!
- Yes, I did mean that *shrugs* my bad, my bad >-<
"I stumbled through the darkest grins" - This is somewhat confusing. Maybe you meant something else instead of 'grins' and it's a typo?
-It might have been, but I can't remember what I meant when I wrote it.
"I touched his bare chest, his arm, her face. Her forever still smile, her eyes that would never shut." - This is unclear. You shift from male to female in the same sentence.
-In chapter 3, she talks about it, it's a tattoo of his mother, in his arm.
About the typos (especially the "closed his eyes" one), those were all from lack of attention, and I apologise and will fix them immediately. Thank you!
'"- I know, I had the feeling you'd forget, I bought some, and I already made it for you, so you could have some when you got back. It's in the kitchen, if you'd like some" - over here, you need punctuation. Long sentences can be shortened and made more effective that way
-Will do!
Thank you so much for the review, it means a lot to me! Thank you.
Okay, this is interesting and I think it would be even more compelling if it was easier to understand.
This story is just everywhere all at once. It's hard for me to get the concept and to understand what is happening inside of the authors head. Maybe it's just me, but I am having a hard time understanding who's talking and where they're at.
It's also easier for the reader to read this if it wasn't all italicized. Just easier for the eyes. Other than that I think that the idea behind this is good and even though I have a hard time understanding it, you should still keep writing it.
I am ever so sorry for the whole difficulty in reading. *Sighs* It's just a lot of things that really need to be worked on.
About the italicized writing, I'm not sure what to do about it, because I rather enjoy it italicized, because it resembles my handwriting. Yet I might change it, even though I think it'd lose a lot of it's essence.
Thank you so much for the review! It's really appreciated.