PLEASE help me out with edits on this story. I just wrote it wanted to share it with all of you! Lay on the edits!
<3 Jessa
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I surface,
panting and heaving for air.
It has been an eternity since fresh breeze has filled my lungs
they expand and contract,
burning as if on fire.
Breathing rapidly I try to get away.
My legs are kicking and my arms stroking,
but the waves keep knocking me down.
The salty water makes my tongue feel dry
I am suddenly overcome by flash of heat.
My head is thumping
like somehow my heart leaped twelve inches higher.
My eyes see hazy images
and my ears hear only static.
I know what is coming over me
and I try to fight it,
I press on.
Knowing that if I stop he will catch me.
Catch me and drag me back down under.
I spot a rock poking its top out of the water.
That rock is my only chance to get out of here alive.
I swim harder,
my arms smacking against the choppy water.
The rock is coming closer.
It is just within my grasp when
a giant mass of water covers me,
pushing me under the water.
I feel my head strikes against the rock,
the rock that was my lifeline.
My body has been paralyzed by the impact of the rock.
Forcing my eyes open I see his face just before he grabs me.
His grasp is crushing my bones.
My ribs get cracked by his hand,
forcing water into my lungs.
“It will only burn for a while”
He hisses.
“Soon you will long for the salt.
Come on, breathe it in!”
He pries opens my mouth
and presses his palm into my chest
I know this is the end.
My world goes black.
My eyes stop seeing,
my ears stop hearing,
and for a second or two,
my heart stops beating.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
Very nice.
As on the other piece of yours that I reviewed, I wasn't expecting this formating. I realized right away that it was the same person again. XD (I have a tendency to forget usernames)
) urgency that kept me reading, wanting to know what happened to this character.
"I am suddenly overcome by flash of heat" Flashes? A flash? I think you're missing a word/letter there.
"My body has been paralyzed by the impact of the rock." This seems a little flat compared to the rest of the beautiful language you've been using so far. It's just matter of fact. 'This is what happened'. I think a different way of saying that she can't move might work a little better...
"and for a second or two,
my heart stops beating." ... And then what? Does it start beating again? Does she recover after that? Or is she just dead? If she's dead, and you want her to stay dead, then maybe you could change it to 'and after a second or two...'
The 'He'. I'm not really sure what it was... Was someone actually chasing her, trying to drown her? Or is it a metaphor for the ocean that's pulling her down?
At this point, I'd like to say metaphor, but I'm not sure that's what you were going for... Maybe clarify if this is an actual person or not, whatever your intention was.
Very good job with this. Beautifully written, easy to visualize. The emotion really carried through, I think, and you wrote it with a breathless (literally.
The thing is, if this is supposed to stand on its own, I'd like to know a little more about how we got here. Is there a beach full of horrified people in the near distance, or is she escaping a sinking ship? Is some guy (He) trying to drown her, or did she just forget to wait forty-five minutes to swim after she ate a snack?
This is a powerful piece on its own, though, and I think you could probably be good leaving it where it is. Frankly, I'm not sure how you would add anything more without breaking the quick, breathless, action-ey feel of it...
Anyway, good job. ^^ I really like it.
Hey Jessa! Let me start off by saying that I really enjoyed this. You did a great job of making the reader really feel what is happening to the narrator. I really like how concise it was and that you used short sentences or broke up sentences to keep the fast pace. There was just enough detail for the reader to really feel what's happening but there wasn't too much that it got bogged down. Nice word choices.
Here are some nit-picks:
I'm not sure on "breeze". "Air" is probably the obvious choice of word here but that doesn't sound very fancy. If you want to stick with breeze you need "a" in there. If you want to go with "air" (since technically air goes into your lungs, not a breeze) I would say something like "any fresh air".
I would match styles here and get rid of the "and'. Either say "My legs kicking, my arms stroking" or "My legs are kicking, my arms are stoking".
This line doesn't fit as well for me. Twelve inches is so exact compared to the rest of this. Maybe make it slightly more vague, "like somehow my heart flew up in my chest", or something.
I would put a period instead of a comma. This seems like a good end to a statement and then the next sentence will have even more oomph.
I love this part. It's like, she's so close!! But she just can't make it.
I think you could add a lot more impact here by making these all single sentences instead of one sentence. "My eyes stop seeing. My ears stop hearing. For a second of two, my heart stops beating."
Overall I thought you did a really nice job. At first glance I was a little confused cause the general form appears to be a poem. I was going to comment on that further and say "you know I think this is a poem" but after reading it through a couple of times, I realized it is a story and this is the form it has to be told in to get the proper impact and pace. So kudos to you for using a form that's a little different
-Carly
Hi Jess! Here to review! I really liked this story. I liked the format and the title was intruging. Here's a nitpick
Ooh, very mysterious. A job well done!
~ Amelia
Ooh
Great Story!