Powerful Nonsense Emotions

Hullo Jessa!

I’ll admit right off the bat that rhyme isn’t really my thing! I have a personal grudge against it because I’m bad at it, I think. However, I am really good at seeing if it works, because of that grudge. In your poem it’s only kind of working. I commend you on even getting that far, rhyme is incredibly difficult to pull off properly. The best kind of rhyme is rhyme you don’t even know is happening.

The problem with rhyme that only half works is that it’s really, really noticeable! And when it’s really noticeable it is really hard to unnoticed it. Your first stanza is solid, although I am not a fan of capitalising the start of every line. Punctuate your poems like you do prose and it will aid in flow and rhythm, because your reader can understand where you want breaths and pauses.

The biggest problem here is the imagery and description, or lack thereof. You’re telling me these feelings for your narrator, and she feels them along the way (I made your narrator a girl, I hope that’s okay!) but we’re lacking the connection to her. I want to feel the hot brush of the candle flame going out, how it flares one second before it extinguishes. I want to feel how bad it was to walk away or watch, we need those things to make the poem really stick in our brains. The more forcefully a poem sticks, the stronger it stays in our memory and usually the more we like it.

I think that what you’re saying here is solid, but it might need a bit of jazzing up through metaphor and simile and such. I know you can do it, because you have the foundations here and they’re solid ones. Having solid foundations is the hardest part, really.

Your ending is solid, I love the last line because it hits hard, and this poem needs a good smacking end line, so we keep it in our minds for later. Please tell me if you have any queries or change this at all, I’d love to look at it.

-Pen

Dear Jessa, life is a game of war, ends always with crying, it is its own way, even from birth we cry, let all cry in life and be happy in our own death if we have others to lament and weep.All are helpless, flame has left our candle of existence and there is no hope for light in this mundane world. Darkness everywhere, its easy to hide the pain, pleasure is not real, just an experience, mechanical... Just to live and to be happy we lie, we are sure we can not relive the past. May the powerful nonsense emotions lead us, though we go astray, till we embrace, the dark, the end, the death, it is the heart of hearts, living any where..... congrats dear... powerful lines...... inspiring...touching..... haunting.... universal.. write a lot... wanna go through the experience... love your heart... thanks...