Published May 20, 2011
Please help me out with this poem. Any types of comments or suggestions are appreciated! Enjoy :]
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“Don’t look back when you could look forward.”
This phrase is,
Overused.
Overstated.
Outdated.
But it speaks the truth.
Looking backwards is much like walking backwards.
It is not a rewind tool.
It doesn’t allow you to turn back the clock,
to a time when things were better,
easier
or happier.
Simply, looking back is pitiful.
It reminds you of where you were,
and that there is nothing you can do to change it.
It tells your story,
one that can not be rewritten,
or edited.
It is true that life is harsh.
If you don’t know something,
you weren’t supposed to know it.
If you made a mistake,
you were supposed to make it.
And if you get hurt by a friend,
yes, that was supposed to happen too.
If these things make you bitter,
and unable to move on,
you fail.
It is much like walking on a path
full of regrets.
If you regret where you’ve been,
you regret where you are going.
Since every step you have taken since your first one,
led you to where you are today.
Everyone whose lives you touched,
changed the future.
Every move you make,
shapes the world.
Choices…
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Canary word: Present
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Hi Jess! Nice to see a new poem! How do you make time for it all - writing, wedding planning, school?!!! Anyways, very accomplished poem. I agree with snoink that it was slightly preachy, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. You use many, almost conjunctive, phrases like "the truth is" or "simply". My advice? Scrap little unimportant pithy sentence openers and get to your main point. It will make your poem a whole lot more effective and emotive. Blunt, in my opinion, is always better. There was just one area in which I feel you could improve your punctuation:
This stanza was by far the best. Why? Because it was blunt and stark: you just stated 'it'. However, here's how I would've laid it out and punctuated:
“Don’t look back
when you could look forward.”
- this phrase is:
Overused.
Overstated.
Outdated.
But it speaks the truth.
I feel it just helps it to flow a little better. Think about layout aswell as just grammar: often presentation can have a big impact and can really aid the poem in making it effective. It can also tell a second story. If thought has been put into the layout and it reflects the words and emotions of the poem ( PM me if you're not on my wavelength) it really takes it to a whole new level.
Well-done - a good poem and it deserves a *like*...
All the best for the coming weeks and months,
~ Amelia
There's this one song that I love... it's called "Timshel" and it's by Mumford and Sons. Anyway, one of the lines goes like this:
And you have your choices
And these are what makes man great
His ladder to the stars.
Why did I tell you this? Well, your poem reminded me of it, lol!
Anyway, I don't really like this poem... it's a bit preachy? It starts off with a lot of punch, which I definitely like, however as it goes on, it seems to preach more and more, and I would like to see it show instead of tell, if you know what I mean! One image that I particularly liked is the whole "rewind" picture and the whole, "You can't go back" bit of the poem. It's powerful. It reminded me of this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU (Clicky!)
And yes, I guess I am in a particularly musical mood right now? XD
Anyway, the point is use the imagery to your advantage. Just like Coldplay showed, it is impossible to walk backwards, though we may want to. Use this imagery to make your poem powerful, and don't hold back. <3
You use "it" a lot. I like how you elaborate though, I can relate.
Good concept.You have to change the starting of the lines into capital.