Published August 29, 2011
I tried to follow a format with this poem instead of going freestyle. So I would love any input anyone has :]
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I know I said I wouldn't do this,
But I've turned around once again.
Your memories you have rolled back around,
Leaving my heart dripping with pain.
Getting over you is never ending,
One step forward and five steps back.
Almost like a never ending ride,
A ride on a spiraling track.
At times I want to jump off the train
That recycles my emotions.
All this on again, off again causes,
Tears as salty as oceans.
I don't know why I wish for the past,
- I know history will repeat.
Although we try and try again,
The odds we can not beat.
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I like how you're trying something new by structuring your poem, and i only have a couple things to say about changes.
You used the word around twice here, and some people may not mind, but i advise you find a way around (no pun inteded.) using it twice. Sometimes repitition works, but here it seems akward.
Also, i agree with Arwen about the repitition in the second stanza, it seems unecessary.
Finally,
The last line, "The odds we can not beat." seems strangely used. Many poems use that structure to help slide a rhyme in, but here, the sudden shift in structure feels weird. Totally up to you though
Besides that, it was a lovely poem and i definetly enjoyed reading it.
Keep writing,
Arspoetica
Hello!
I think you wrote a wonderful poem. It has a nice rhythm and the flow of words makes the reader sympathize with the one who's telling and living the story. I like the train-metaphor, especially since it's a ride with 'one step forward and five steps back', and that 'recycles my emotions'. You found a very beautiful way of expressing feelings by simple yet powerful words that linger with you even after you've finished reading the poem. It also gives an impression of honesty, and of confiding in the reader: "I don't know why I wish for the past, - I know history will repeat'. To me it speaks about how humans cannot give up hope, in spite themselves and yet sometimes it's better to let go in order to move on in life. Very deep emotions all in all, although weaved around a classic theme.
The only objection which comes to my mind is when you repeat 'never ending' in the second stanza, it bothered me a little. Maybe you could replace it with an adjective or verb that you think fits in the context. If not, it's still fine
I wish I could write like you someday.
Yours,
Arwen
Great poem! I totally got the sense of questioning an unhealthy relationship, and the complex emotions that go with it! Your stanza sizes were prefect, and i enjoyed your rhyme scheme! Although some areas felt a little force, but that will be easily fixed by reviewing the syllables in each stanza!
That recycles my emotions.
Beautiful line, this made the piece for me! You have a beautiful talent!