Young Writers Society

thank you so much for all of your feedback

this poem was written in about 3 minutes right before rushing off to class, with little editing, so it's bound to be pretty bad poetry, although at the time i wrote it
i loved it. lol well for starters when i say all my poetry like neon light addicting, i don't mean to the reader, i mean to myself. yes, this poem lacks structure and rythm, but it's supposed to be about a person lacking structure and rythm. hmm i guess you have to have a poem that's structured and rythmetical to portray that, interestingly enough. well i have a looot of work to do.

as everyone who's anyone knows: learn the rules before you break them. in poetry, i have got a lottt of rules to learn. if you have any suggestions or comments, or *wink wink* rules, please PM me or comment on this poem

thanks a bunch, love to you all =)

I agree with Snoink in that this poem is very sporadic. It's extremely vague; you're basically listing a bunch of images and emotions that aren't applying to any specific event and chopping them up into stanzas. That said, I did enjoy some of the images, so I know that this poem has potential.
The puncuation was existent, as Clau noted, but it's also sporadic.

My technical corrections/suggestions are in orange:

Plea of

Moments past, what weakness gives us.

My short tandem [s]of[/s]with reality,
unmolded by words, forever swaying. My trust
[s]gets[/s]is portrayed as a vision
by the little people[s],[/s] in the sleepy town.
where the others may not drown, (town-down intended to rhyme?)
I live on.

I breathe, and take[s],[/s] the realms of my insanity,
desperately begging the judge for a cure, the wrong person to turn to, that's for sure. (this line's a bit long, break it somewhere)

My love for craziness, and, but not, (huh...?)
everyone's intimidating allure.
It sums up good, on my nervous breakdowns
on my knees, still searching for the cure,
forever restless; sleeping pills wanted,
dreams of success; they will be nightmares haunted
[s]yet [/s]still I live on.

Let the pen run loose, the words flow through like amber,
all my poetry like neon light, addictive[s]ng[/s].

Stop only when the damage is done,
and once again fear steals my mind
in this forest of lush evergreen surprise.
[s]yet[/s]No other can put locks on bolts;
only I.

I have to say, I like your other poem better. This is very sporadic, almost disturbingly so, flitting to one topic to another very quickly. Not sure I like it... but it's pretty good.

Thanks so much for your feedback ^_^

You used punctuation! I thank you for that nice act.

The poem did not always make sense, some parts were very blurred and easy to misunderstand. You also float on from one idea to the next, no real 'subject' acting as the gravity to create beauty. But I think I'll get to the subject later.

You have no rhyme scheme, nor a pattern. It's okay to shy away from these after you've learned how to use them, but until then, its nice to stick to it. If you have any questions about rhyme scheme, or how to create a pattern in poetry, Pm me and I'll explain it better (I don't feel like doing it now.. heh)

Back to the subject. You cannot just write about your feelings in poem form IF you plan on showing them off and going, 'look at my awesome poem skills don't they rock!' because unless you write them poetically, its no fun to read. You have to be considerate of your reader, if you want to show off your work. Make us interested in you, before you go complaining about how you want a sleeping pill.