Young Writers Society

Okay, can i start by saying I loved the repetition in the last to lines *applaudes*. However, I have some minor cirticisms...
1)In the line 'Of fairy tales of yore' there are one too many 'of's'.
2)Nought is definitely not a word in the context you are using it in.
3)'For activities' somehow, this line does not fit. might I suggest using something which requires more words possibly friends, but i am not sure.

I enjoyed reading it though, it left me feeling all warm inside...
~SishBee~

Okay, overall I got a very varied impression for this poem but the message is good and parts are very well written. In the first verse, I agree that nought isn't a proper word and rather than using yet, it should be and because it is in agreeance to your earlier statement rather than against it if you know what I mean. Another way to explain it is to say that using yet is like using but. There's a type on the next line. I believe you meant 'these' rather than 'theses.' To be honest, the whole verse could do with a makeover. I'm not even sure about the use of 'joyfulness' and 'hopefulness.' Here's the changes I would make to the first stanza. I don't mind if you use them and of course, it's your poem so don't feel any pressure to change it at all -

'Leave time for sadness,
For joy and for hope.
Never deny your heart
For these are all treasures
with which you can't part.

Something like that anyway. To be honest, it's rather hard to change it and still maintain the key points. As for the rest, I don't like the word 'romping' and reproductions is too long a word really. 'with in between' doesn't make sense. Maybe you should say 'Time to be with a group' or something to that affect. The last line of that stanza is really random and doesn't fit. I think you have to re-think there. I like the final stanza but, as sumi says, you use the word time too often.

Overall it has potential so good luck with making changes and I'd love to read the next draft!

Hello Jessie! =D

My first thought was this- "This belongs on a 'Get Well Soon Card.'"

Which is good or bad, depending on your point of view

My second note about this was that you deviated from flowing rhymes to forced rhymes.

"Leave time for joyfulness
For hopefulness, and sadness,
Yet nought forget the lot
For gifts like theses are treasures
That never can be bought "

Nought is not a word. (Pun intended)

Do not would be better.

Skip a line to the "that never can be bought."

I'm torn between saying that that line is forced or not forced. It's hard to tell, honestly so you might want to consider re-wording it a bit....

In fact, you should think about tossing the first stanza altogether, in my opinion, because the "treasures" theme doesn't go with the rest of the poem.


Set aside time for playing
For jumping and romping

...Hm. That doesn't seem to flow, either. "Save a hour for singing/Playing, laughing, dancing"


But remember time for more
For times like those are reproductions
Of fairy tales of yore


Oooh. >_<

The last line in my head sounded like the reader was taking a breath between every single word- not good. "Of remnant stories told many times before"



Make time to be with many
For with in between
And with few
For times of variety
Make the entire world feel new


To me, this is a lot of words for not much meaning. Consider shortening it.

But when you’re making time for things
For activities
And all the things you do
Please remember to leave time aside
Time aside for you

Repetition. A weapon or a bandage? You tell me- depends on the context, and here it doesn't work. You use the word "time" entirely too much in the poem- consider using "minutes" "hours" "seconds" "days", etc.

As mentioned, variety is the spice of life

Overall, it's not my type of poem, but overall I suggest this:

Step 1: print it out.

Step 2: shove it into a dark desk drawer.

Step 3: forget about it.

Step 4: find it miraculously several months later, gape over your old poem and re-do it, amazed at yourself.

Time is the best teacher

~Sumi