Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
No outsider truly cares about a male’s well-being. No one understands how hard a man has to fight to pull themselves out of the dark place the world put them in. No one understands why many men don’t express their emotions and why they act like they’re fine when everything is falling apart.
I know what it’s like to be broken repeatedly at nineteen. I’m scared and I have no shame in admitting that, but people find shame that I am. I’ve been called and too emotional for being hurt by the people who claim to love me.
I’ve been called weak for speaking about the abuse I went through at home. I’ve been called weak and pathetic for not holding it in. That’s all the negativity people throw at me because they’re not in my situation.
I know half of them wouldn’t be able to make it. They would’ve ended their lives to moments things began to fall apart. They wouldn’t be able to survive after being betrayed and being broken over and over again.
I differ that a man who is broken is strong because they’ve been in hell. They’ve been in a nightmare they’ve been trying to get out of on their own. I don’t see them as weak because they’re fighters trying to find purpose.
I’ve had a lot of days where I opened my eyes with regret. A regret that I didn’t die in my sleep and left the world that feels like hell to me. A regret that I’d have to deal with the hurt people have caused me in life.
Around people I always smiled. I always make jokes to hide the pain. I always go out of my way to make them feel happy even when I feel dead.
I always hide the pain behind a smile. I fear that people will bash me for being open and honest and what I’ve been going through. I fear people will leave the moment I say I’m dealing with a pain I can’t explain.
I can’t explain the pain of being told to go kill myself. I can’t explain the pain of my mom letting someone she married treat me like a trophy. I can’t explain the pain of family turning on you before hearing my story.
In those moments it makes me feel like I’m locked up behind a wall. The chains around me are all the demons I’ve been fighting in my heart and mind. Feelings of not being worth anything and the fear that no one will truly care about me until I drop dead on the floor in my own blood.
I’ve had thoughts about ending my own life. I’ve thought about drinking so that my heart could stop beating. I’ve thought about submerging myself in water so no one could find me.
A lot of men feel trapped. A lot of them have stopped screaming because they feel no one hears their cries for help, but everyone else expects them to hear them. They expect them to be there for them, but can leave them when they need somebody the most.
To all the hurt men in the world, I understand. To all the people who’ve been through abuse I understand I hear you. To all the people who’ve been broken over and over again I hear all of you.
I want to tell you, you’re not weak at all. Don’t let the people around tell you’re weak because you can admit that you need help. Don’t let people around you drag you down because they don’t understand.
Don’t let the past follow you any longer. Don’t let it take away happiness and keep you in the dark place you’ve been fighting to get out of. We all have demons, but that’s not a reason to stop fighting.
You may feel empty and lifeless, but nothing lasts forever. You may feel like life will never change, but there’s always a reason to keep fighting. Find purpose within yourself and in the people who truly care about you.
Life will always throw something at you, but remember you can beat it. You can beat the demons you are fighting every day. Each day is a battle, but with each step, a battle is won even if it seems small to you.
You all are powerful. You are beautiful and strong even with scars. Those scars are apart of a story some will never know, but be proud that you live another day to share it with somebody who understands you.