Published March 13, 2006
ok this is just an attempt as I don't really write poetry but I thought I would put this in and see what happens, feel free to tell me to give up now as I don't even know if this is the right place.
Follow me down to the deep blue sea
Where the demons rest
And the souls can't flee.
Follow down to the darkest blue
Where the devil waits
And he's waiting for you.
I'm watching you from far away
Watching back at me
From where you stay.
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for a first attempt at poetry, this is pretty good.
i'm guessing, on the second line you missed out "me" on "follow down to the darkest blue"
it didnt flow entirely well, and maybe you could have replaced the end of certain sentances with commas to make a nice flow, but other than that, it's pretty good for a first try.
you should carry on, and eventually you'll learn your faults when you write poetry often.
that's what happened to me...
Some nice imagery in this, however lacked flow sometimes
this line sounded awkward to me.
otherwise, i most definitely think you should pusue poetry. you have a good taste for it.
This is a good poem! Especially for a first attempt! I'm impressed.
The second verse... "And he's waiting for you"... I'm not sure about this, I think there may be one too many syllables in this.. perhaps "And he waits for you." Just play around with it.
Other than that, I think it's very good. Keep writing. Maybe try something free-verse?
This is nice! a very nice first attempt! (God, I can remember my first poem, *twitch* lets not go there...) Although I agree with KayJuran about the "Watching back at me" a little confusing but I think I know what you were trying to say.
And I also just want to mention that not all poems have to rhyme (I'm sure you know this but you know, I didn't so..) you have great potential has a poet, don't hold yourself back so you cant rhyme
OK, "deep blue sea"? cliche my friend! try describing it differently. But this was a nice poem like I said before, keep writing!
^ I'm not entirely sure this part makes sense...
Also, I think in the second verse, you need to put 'me' in the sentence, just as you have in the first verse.
Apart from that though, this seems well-written, especially for a first attempt!