Published March 21, 2006
This was written by one of my friends. Please crit.
Cold and dank and all encompasing
Its tendrils swirl towards you
Hiding, muffling, smothering, choking
Those tendrils wrap you close
All sound is lost, the silence is sickening
Blindly you stumble into the mist
A blank white screen, your fears projecting
Was the a scream in the distance?
A howl? The shadow of a wolf?
The tendrils bind you tighter, draw you down
Into that well inside you
Despair. And you cannot climb out
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141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
interesting... a bit creepy, but cool. It flows well and has a cool, chilling ambiance.
Wow, I really enjoyed your friend's poem. One thing I would change is the repetition of the word tendrils. 'it's tendrils swirl', 'those tendrils wrap', 'the tendrils bind' gets too repetitive. I would suggest substituting at least one tendril for something else. Unless, of course, he/she intended it to be that way.
Thanks for the crit I'll tell the friend who wrote it. She actually wrote on the bus to school which I reckon is quite an achievement.
this was good. a bit morbid and dark, but i can't complain as i've written similar. despite the slight off-rhythm beat, which is okay, but odd, it was relatively good.
Reminds me of much of my life...which is why I liked it. The words fit together well enough, though I think maybe they could have been expanded upon a bit. Generally, I don't like poems written towards the reader, i.e. using the word "you" a lot. This one did, and it sort of annoyed me. I would try replacing all the yous with Is and seeing what it looks like. Otherwise, nicely done.
Brian