Add punctution like you were actually writing it in story form. For example:
I beseech you, child of our time,
who wanders in the everlasting light,
and holds the hand of god,
in his own sweet palm.
You who can take the demons
"who" isn't needed.
And hold them in you hand
Then let them fly away
Why hold them and then let them fly away? It's unnessary and illogical.
With you face watching the sky
I think you meant "your face"
From this, you completely deviated from the plot line you had going and started with a string of images. The plot line was vague, and a bit mysterious. I never got to understand it before you plunged this different set of stanzas about "we" instead of "you" and "my daughter". It sounds pretty, granted, you have something here. It just wish it make collective sense.
And watch the sun bring new hope
And old wonders as we age
And fall into the everlasting light
The and's were getting redundant.
Anyway, I think this could be something if you made the plot line clearer (which would make it narrative, by the way) and then added some punctuation. And don't be afraid to break out of the four-line formualted stanzas. I feel that with that bit of freedom and revision, you can make this poem worth it's full potential.
Points: 890
Reviews: 688
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