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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
The last two bits of the sentence are really confusing. Maybe reword it so that the reader doesn't get confused?Nit-picks
isn't soap bad for hair? Isn't there some shampoo?
I think she could show a bit more sadness for her father after all he is her dad and it's not like he did anything really bad to her.
instead of two times, you should say twice.
This was sweet way to finish the chapter. Am I sensing something between these two?
Grammar and Punctuation
This should have a question mark at the end.
same here. You have a few places where you miss question marks.
[outfits] needs to be [outfits']
I think you mean to say "tie" instead of "tee".
Overall thoughts
Story plot: You really need to start moving the story plot along as it feels like it's dragging on in no particular direction. Something needs to happen in the next few chapters to catch the readers attention again.
Characters: I must say though that your characters are shaping up nicely. Cat seems to have a thing for Seven and she seems to be warming up to him. I do think that you could give some more solid info on her past though. At the moment you're giving it to me in bits and pieces. Another thing that's bothering me is the lack of emotion she has for her past like when she remembered her passed away father. Just work on putting a bit more character back ground and a bit more emotion into their actions and dialogue.
Description: Your description how ever has taken a turn for the best. You described the room our characters are staying in perfectly. You didn't even need to tell me that it was cheep. You also described Sevens appearance well and her getting clean felt really refreshing to read.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Okay, let's get this review up and going!
So it looks like Page is coming back to haunt Seven. Good. GOOD. Rightfully so. Her actions can't possibly leave her unfazed. We didn't read too much about Page, but I can't easily forget that she was behind his death. So I don't really feel too bad for her seeing these things.
As for everything else in her life, yes I do feel bad for her. I can tell her home life wasn't the the best. I hope LA really does work out for her, but something tells me there lies bigger troubles there -- or maybe even on the way there.
More Angel/Angelic talk. I'm interested to see if Seven comes across any in her traveling. I think it's an interesting thing, though, generally. I wonder what their mindsets are like. Do they live closed off in their own communities or would they live alongside the "ruineds"?
Hold up. Teen militia? Seven, what were you mixed up in in South City? Was she in this teen militia? I'm assuming no because of the way she killed Page, and the fact that she'd never killed anyone before. I'm assuming this will be explained in later chapters. I wonder why South City needs teen militia. Is it really that dangerous that they need to recruit teenagers as a part of some army?
Cat seems like a great guy to go traveling with. His interactions with Seven are so natural, which I appreciate a lot. Sometimes writers force humor or banter between characters and it just does not meld well together. The banter/humor here does. Curious to see if Cat will continue to hang around Seven even after they reach LA. I'm guessing he probably wouldn't since he's in Sallow's gang/cult/something.
That's it. I wish there was more I could say about actual happenings in this chapter but besides seeing Page, there wasn't really any other scene I could comment on. Since she's just showering and getting ready to go to bed. But I guess this is where thoughts and internal ramblings are important. To read and to also learn more. I understand that it's also just bridging over to the next chapter/segment. Dialogue and description is good. I don't think I've come across a chapter and found any of those aspects lacking. Awesome.
All in all, I like what I'm seeing here. I like what's been going on. I asked a lot of questions (what else is new), you don't have to answer the questions here if you feel like answering them will give too much away, or if it's just too much to explain.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Keep writing!
I just caught this review as I was going offline, so. Questions! You know how I love them, aha.
Unfortunately, Page does kind of become a side note in future chapters, mostly because Seven is run ragged and drained by the people and situations around her, so she doesn't really get a chance to stop and remember him. Though I don't plan on dropping him entirely as a plot point in the future! He does have character significance, and there will still be allusions to him and how he affects Seven, just not...immediately, haha.
As for Angels -- you'll see more of them as we get into LA. How they live, and how they interact with mutated folks, depends on the Angel personally, but most of the Angels in LA live in specific neighborhoods that are closed off to people below a certain social status, except of course for their serving staff. A few do live in more "integrated" areas, but even the more progressive Angels tend to live in the separated boroughs and commute to wherever it is they work alongside mutants.
As for Seven -- she was in the teen militia, but it was more of a facade of a school than an army, really. Thinking of structures like JROTC in American high schools, it would be something like that, where the members are taught discipline and respect for their country and other civilians, with a bit of rifle guard, not any real combat, considering North America hasn't been at war in a couple of decades.
As for this chapter, it's actually one of my least favorite, believe it or not, because I do feel like it occupies this necessarily evil space between Page dying and Seven actually getting to LA. It's important, because she can't just teleport and she does have plot- and character-relevant situations show up, but it's not so important that I would be adverse to cutting it if a better solution showed up.
Actually, in draft 2, I'm contemplating setting Page's death on the outskirts of LA, so the gang violence is more tightly tied to the central conflict and plot, and that might resolve some of these issues I'm having with these scenes just being sort of..."there" to fill a space. Do you think that might help?
Thank you so very much, and trust me, none of your questions have bordered anywhere near massive spoiler territory yet! There's only one question I would ever hesitate to answer about the future of this novel, haha, and it hasn't come up in any of your reviews. Have a great day!
As for your idea, I think that would work. It would help tie things together. But don't worry too much about the "filler" pieces. Sometimes nothing really is happening. For me, it was okay here because I learned more about Seven and life there generally.
No problem. Thank you for answering them. If anything, your answers have further energized my wanting to continue reading. Can't wait for what's next.
Hey:) Cate here for a review, hopefully I can be sort of helpful! You started strong, in my opinion, I loved it. It was simple and basic and straight to the point. But there was one thing that confused me. There was a dead man in the room? And did they sleep in the same room with the dead body? Specify that so the readers won't be asking the question:" Did they really stay in the same room as a dead guy?" Also, I didn't feel any disgust or sadness (if there was any supposed to be felt) for the dead man, show what the main character felt at seeing someone who they used to share feelings with- even if maybe they were following the main character. Describe what it was like to see the corpse, like how it smelt and how the decaying flesh looked etc. There weren't any typos or spelling errors that I could see, but there was one name that was misspelled. Page is meant to be Paige I believe, unless Page is the male version then you are spot on! You have talent and I can't wait to see what you will do with this story. Happy writing!
Ah, thank you for your review.
To clarify, there is not and never was a dead body in the motel room. Seven (my main character) is speaking figuratively when she says that she expects to see her ex's corpse in there, and it would frankly be impossible, considering Page died and was buried hundreds of miles from their current location. I'm aware that's something you might not know if you didn't read previous installments, of course.
And yes, Page is meant to be spelled that way.
Thank you again, and have a great day!
I also had this question. Do the dead body and the main character sleep in the same bed? If Paige and the main sleep in the same bed, is it all three of them sleeping in the same bed? Do they get some action on? Is the dead body alive? Are the characters necrophiliacs? Jerry, I don't know what to think anymore!
Ah! I see. It all makes sense. I will have to go back and read. So far, I am interested.