-text removed-
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Jericho, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Sorry about the lateness of this review, but I've been a bit preoccupied. Anyway I'm here now. Some of the things in the review may not make sense since I haven't read your story in a little while, but I'll try my best.
Story: So I'd say that the story is definitely moving forward at a nice pace. I'm learning more about the characters and the world around them. I'm sure laying in a few subplots as well since ever story need subplots.
Characters: Now onto the characters. (Remind me what the main character's name was again?) Anyway I really like this small blossom of friendship between the two characters. I also like that you explain how the main character's feeling about the whole thing. Both of your characters feel very realistic and not cardboard cut outs. One little thing bothered me when it came to the main character. I'd like to see a bit more remorse for her boy friend, after all she did kill him.
Description: The only real problem I have with your story is the lack in description. I see little snippets here and there, but there just doesn't feel like enough to paint a full picture in my mind. Your characters description is great, it's the world description that I'd like a bit more of.
Grammar and Punctuation: As far as I could see your grammar was great and so was your punctuation.
Overall this was another great chapter and I will get to the rest soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hello,
Sorry I haven't been up to date with your awesome story. I've been so incredibly busy these past months. But today I decided enough is enough. I owe it to at least one of these stories to offer my thoughts. So I've read the last two parts, but since I felt like I couldn't add anything more to the reviewers for those two parts, I decided to just read on through until here and then offer my review on everything that has happened.
Let me just start off and say I am blown away that Seven shot and killed Page. For one I didn't think she had it in her. I thought she'd find a way to avoid doing so. That she would first consider the repercussions of her actions. That she would remember that what she was doing was irreversible, and that she was killing someone she knew. That maybe she'd turn the gun on the others.
But no. She shot him. In the next chapter she expressed remorse and came to the realization that she did have a choice. I'm glad Page's death had at least some sort of effect on her. Had it been the other way around then I would have seriously reevaluated my thoughts over Seven. I'm curious to see if his death (by her own hands) further affects her, and how. I'm sure it'll heavily affect her, as she said in that chapter she wasn't a serial killer and didn't kill for sport. Someone like that would be totally wrecked. Disgusted, even, with themselves. And you did show some of that, but I guess I just expected more. But I trust you to show this effect later. Maybe it'll haunt her in later chapters.
I'm wondering if Page's family/friends (considering he has any of these) would ever come looking for him. Probably unrealistic and not the focus of this story, but it's something I'm wondering. How would Seven respond?
Side question, why did Page have to die in particular? I'm wondering if I missed that somewhere. I understood he was severely injured but what was the point of having Seven kill Page? What gain would Sallow and the rest get from it? Trust that Seven would be on their side?
Anyway since that chapter, you've offered some good background on Seven in general, which I personally liked. I didn't feel like you went overboard with the information. This new world is something. Temporary identification cards in case you die? Damn. Are they also filling it out because they're headed into an even more dangerous place? Curious to see if there'll be any action/fighting scenes Seven may be involved in.
I'm glad that Seven is back on track to LA with Cat in tow. Cat seems pretty likable and his banter with Seven is pretty amusing. Would a relationship spark up between them at one point? Maybe? I didn't expect romance in this story in general, but I wouldn't mind it.
I wonder what happens when Seven reaches LA. Also, would Cat be sticking around? Are we going to see Sallow and Rich again? Will others hitch a ride with Seven and Cat? So many questions swirling around in my head right now! But I love the guessing game, so it's okay.
Possible edit? Depending on where you're from? The first word Travelling. Is the extra "l" intentional? If it is, ignore this.
That's it for me. As always, I love your writing style. There's just something about it that calls to me. Sorry if my review isn't good. I haven't done it in a very long time, but I'm trying to get the hang of it again. Let me know if you have any questions!
Thank you for your review! And I'm not perturbed at all at the length of time between reviews; as long as you read and enjoy it on your own time, that is enough for me.
As for Page's relatives coming to search for him, unfortunately, that won't be happening. And as for why he in particular had to die, you could say that it was Sallow testing Seven to see if she would actually do it -- a morbid fascination of Sallow's, to see if people would willingly kill others close to them. Though it's hard to tell whether Seven passed or failed that test.
As for action and fighting, unfortunately, Seven never quite gets embroiled in that side of the drug cartels. (Though it would be interesting, and there IS quite a bit of world-building on that side that I would love to expand on; I must keep this in mind for future reference.) Nothing particularly interesting happens in New Azteca, except that it spurs on some more of Seven's backstory to be revealed, and it sets up what Cat really does as part of the building conflict into the second half (and a bit of the later first half).
As for romance, Cat's role in that field has been replaced by one of my other favorite characters, by the name of Faux. (I nearly named him Fox, but, er...that would be a little too coincidental, I think.) In earlier drafts, Cat was a love interest, but in this draft, he's more inclined to be an excitable older brother figure.
Cat will be sticking around until the end of the first half! And Sallow and Rich are likely to show up again as well. Come the second half, Cat's role will be taken by another, and a few other roles will be replaced as well, though a certain Angel will retain her role throughout the entire novel from her introduction.
Chapter 3 starts off with Seven and Cat being almost at LA; and trust me, Chapter 4 goes into how Seven is being tugged around all these places and doesn't quite have her own chance to settle down. (Chapter 4 also marks the beginning of the main conflict as an overbearing force, so long as my writing stays on track.)
As for "travelling", I don't use a spell-check in my writing software, so thank you for catching that! I always get mixed up between using two L's or not, so it's always helpful when someone else fixes me up on that.
I apologize for any other typos, as well -- I'm using a different computer than usual, so it's harder for me to type until I become accustomed to it.
And your review was magnificent! I'm so glad to know that all of these questions are being sparked in at least one reader, and I'm so glad that these are all questions that I can answer in my writing, especially as I work on this draft and then go into my next. Thank you so much, again, and I hope you continue to enjoy ITAOS!
Ah okay, this all makes sense.
Yes definitely keep the action/fighting in mind for future reference. Maybe in a rewrite or a side story. Or even a whole new novel.
Cat as an older brother figure -- I can see. I'm excited to meet this Faux. Probably won't be for a couple chapters, but still. Excited to meet him and (possibly) others.
I'm the same way when I use a new computer or someone else's. Spelling errors all over the place. But I didn't catch anything else with my own eyes. If I do, I'll come back and refer to them in a reply or something.
No problem. I'm excited to see where you take this. Keep it up!