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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
Hi Jericho, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.
Story: Okay so you have greatly expanded upon the story and I am actually exited to go onto the next chapter. You did leave a bit of a cliff hanger and I think that maybe that is why I am so exited to go on. I don't know what is going to happen from here and I am filled with so many questions, which is great.
Characters: I am so happy that you gave Seven some more back story. I am guessing her father is an undertaker of some sort. You got a lot of emotion across in this chapter that made me connect the with characters and even feel sad for them. I do think that you could maybe put in a bit more fear at the beginning though. I am staring to enjoy the antagonists too.
Description: I feel like you expanded on the description a bit more too, though I think that there is still a bit of space for more. Try to include all of the senses in each chapter. Yes I know that I am a nag. (I can smell it, as sharp as blood ever is) I feel like you could have said (I can smell it, the sharp iron scent of blood.)
Small mistakes: Nothing here.
Overall another great chapter and I will move onto the next one soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks again!
I'm glad that the plot is starting to unfold like I wanted it to - I was a little worried that people would find it too boring.
As for the characters: Seven's father was an undertaker/coroner (he performed both jobs as needed), so you're right in that account! Cat doesn't end up being much of an antagonist in the long run, though; he's, shall we say, more human than Sallow.
I feel so terribly late. I meant to review this way back but I've been bombarded with a lot of things happening at once. But I've read, and now I shall review <3 Quick thing I want to mention: My mind is itching to just dig into that ending, but I'll be patient, collect my thoughts, and run you through them from start to finish, AND THEN jump into the ending. My questions are, as always, shouts into the void unless you feel like you want to answer. Don't feel pressured to answer any of them. c: (I apologize if my review seems crazy, I've just been out of practice for a while.)
So Seven and Page have been taken to Cat's gang's hideout or HQ or whatever that room is connected to. I hate seeing Page hurt since he's been pretty innocent in what we've seen of him so far. He hasn't seemed like a bad guy at all in these last sections. (I felt super bad for him as I read toward the end.)
I wonder where Rich is too. I thought he'd drive Page or Seven in his car, with the other in Cat's car. Sort of as a way to keep them apart, but I guess he's disappeared for now. Also, I wonder what flashing her ID would do for Seven? I wonder, like what will her being from specifically South City do for her? Would it help Page too since he's from South City too (unless I missed the part where it's clearly stated he's not)? Maybe? If so, Rich needs to hurry his butt back to HQ to flash his friends those IDs.
So Sallow is our leader for this group? Maybe? Seems like it. I'm even more curious about Cat/Rich/Sallow now. Are they a gang? And if so, what are they trying to get from these two kids they found? New members? Are there any other members? I'm also just plain curious about their background. I'm assuming Cat and Sallow are related in some way. Seven pointed out Sallow's familiar green eyes, and I know Cat has green eyes, so possibly? I'm going to guess that Seven is going to somehow get herself involved with these guys, possibly joining them. I wonder how they'd all going get along if she did.
I'm confused about how I should be feeling about Seven. I think I like her as a character, but reading more of her thoughts made me really rethink that. Because the ending: WHAT. So they're expecting one of them to shoot the other. And Seven's really considering it? I mean, I knew she could be cold and tough and all, but she's seriously considering (and possibly in the midst of shooting) her (possibly soon) ex boyfriend? Really? Seven, you wouldn't do that, would you? I get you have to survive in this world and you'd do anything, but I didn't think she'd go so far as killing someone who she even commended for getting her as far as she is now. I'm hoping that she doesn't even though she clearly pulls the gun's trigger.
Would Seven really take that risk? Who's to say they wouldn't go and shoot her later on? Or try to kill her? I guess these kinds of things have to be expected in a world like this, but still. I'm just curious to see where she goes from there whether or not she kills Page. Curious to see how her thought process goes from there -- particularly if she decides to kill Page. Would she feel regret? Guilt? My gut says no, but I'm hoping she wouldn't be that heartless.
I'm also hoping this is all a test and somehow, someone barges in and snatches the gun away. (Wishful thinking at its best.)
I originally found a few things I really wanted to point out/ask you about, but I read back and I'm only finding one of them, which is probably good for you (in that the other stuff I "noticed" weren't really mistakes) or bad for me (in that I suck in pointing things out). But either way, here's what I want to ask about:
So is she saying that she likes being in the police cruiser? I'm guessing she didn't like riding around in Page's car (the hearse, right?). I know later she says she feels power drifting into her, but I'm wondering why. She says she knows it's just some old car, so what is it about riding in the police cruiser that makes her feel that power?
That's it. If I remember the others or look back and find them, I'll let you know. But that cliffhanger is too good. I can't even guess what's going to happen. I'm really hoping it's for the best. I want Page to live, even though it seems like he won't be for long. I'm hoping Seven doesn't toss him, but we'll see. Writing is as awesome as ever. I loved everything about it. I couldn't complain about it at all. This was a nice chapter altogether. Keep me posted! (I'll try harder next time to review on time because I really do want to stay up to date on this! <3 <3)
-comrie
Ah, thank you for the review! I'm sorry I didn't see or respond to this earlier.
First motion to address: Page's exact state of existence is addressed in chapter two. (Which will be uploaded once I finish it for the third time, haha.) Whether you'll like that development or not...we'll see.
As for keeping Seven and Page separate, Cat drove them back because Rich was still busy looking for anything halfway valuable in their car (and Cat was pretty sure Seven wasn't a threat, and he was completely sure Page wasn't a threat because the guy was just shot in the side). It's basically standard procedure, but if one of them had been a threat, they would have just offed that one right in the middle of the desert and left a nice meal for the vultures and coyotes.
As for Seven flashing her ID, that's mostly her trying to reassure herself that it means anything at all. (And yes, technically, Page is from South City - from the VERY fringe - so he would have the same type of ID.) She's desperate for anything that'll keep her safe, even if it's as little as an ID, and she has problems with her identity sometimes.
And yes, Sallow is Cat's older sister! Which is interesting, because Cat isn't actually a big part of the cruiser gang, which mostly operates in the desert; he has his own side operation that Sallow doesn't support, being part of a shipping ring for a highly-demanded opiate drug on the west coast. Seven ends up more wound up in his operation than she does in the cruiser gang (which was not my original intention with this storyline, but that's how things go when you develop them, I suppose).
As for the rest of the cruiser gang, they're mentioned, but they aren't a really big part of this story (right now, at least). There are a few who get name-dropped here and in chapter 2, but for the most part, Seven's story is going to be focused on experiencing LA through the lens of Cat - who has a few...unsavory connections himself, as you can guess from him being involved in drug trafficking.
And the question about the car - Seven relies on symbols (her father was a poet in addition to being a coroner/mortician, and he basically kept her sequestered from the rest of her family's ideals and taught her only his way to see the world) a lot of the time, so she'll feel more powerful if she's somewhere in relation to a symbol of power (with the cruiser implying the power of doing practically anything you want to, what with the lax restrictions on police in this future).
I hope that answers some of your questions! Thank you so much again!
You did an awesome job of answering them. I'm more excited for the next installments. And no problem! Thank you for writing some good stuff!