Young Writers Society

Hi Jericho and Merry Christmas! Here's your review that you requested a little bit ago.

To be very honest, I liked this. You have a very present voice that is consistent throughout the chapter. I wouldn't know if this is kept up in the rest of your chapters but after reading through previous reviews, I think it wouldn't be entirely rash to assume that you keep up with the other parts of your story. Something that is very important to me is that even if I start in the middle of something, the protagonist's personality is evident and noticeable – you have done a good job of this. Anyone could start right here and finish with a (at the very least) a mild understanding of the main character. The simplicity and no-nonsense approach is rather appealing.

The thing, however, that I worry about the most is your character burning out. Despite the fact that I appreciate how strong you have fabricated their personality, there are parts that seem very negatively one sided. In other words, cynicism and dullness and this sort of miserable, emotionally tragic protagonist end can wear out quickly, ultimately becoming a little obnoxious for the reader. I've noticed a trend in this type of tragically afflicted character in new, twenty-first century novels and it can be depressing. Yes, it's good not to paint your character too flowery, but it's also important to give your audience a reason to root for the person – and not just because they're fashionably miserable. Of course, this is only the very beginning, but perhaps this is something to keep in mind as you continue to write.

One nitpick:

I blame the attendant's glare, his sun-bleached eyes staring holes in my head.

Hi Jericho,

So I've read 1.1 a while ago, and I was hooked right then and there. I felt like I couldn't really offer anything there that the other reviewers haven't, so I decided to just move on to 1.2 and offer my thoughts here.

My Thoughts After Reading 1.2: Yeah, I'm still hooked.

The title for this story is what first got my attention. Then: your bomb ass writing. Which I have to say was what ultimately sucked me in. It's more than just simple; there's a sort of richness to it (a trait of your other works as well) that I can't help but admire. And your descriptions are plentiful -- in Seven's thoughts/feelings and her surroundings. This is just the beginning and already I feel like I have somewhat of a good hold of Seven's personality. She's not about bullshit. She has things she's not willing to reveal. She seems to have a temper. So far I like her, and I can't wait to keep reading about her.

The little bits you give about Seven's family, and even about Boyfriend Number Three (BN3 from here on out), are subtle and they seem so carefully placed. A lot of people (including me) have trouble in drawing the line at how much to reveal and when. But you do a great job on this. You do offer information but not too much that readers are drained from backstory overload. There's more to learn about these characters and this world, and I think you did an awesome job at throwing the bait.

Onto other details given: there's been a war. I know it hasn't been clarified the type of war or what parties were involved or even the reasons behind it, but my guess is that it's a nuclear war. No exact reason why. Maybe because of the genre listed or because of the descriptions you've given on things being "bleached white." But regardless on the war's nature, I'm curious to learn more about how things have affected this world.

Other details: Seven has a family. Her dad must be a real touchy subject for her. It's obvious she doesn't take his death lightly, even brushing off BN3's advice of remembering the good times. I know his cause of death hasn't been explained yet but I can't help the feeling that there's something fishy about it. Is it related to the war? Is it related to the reason she's headed for LA? Maybe, maybe not.

Speaking of her reason for heading to LA, you've definitely peaked my interest there when she simply replied "Reasons" to BN3's question. My curiosity went all the way up and throughout the rest of the chapter, I kept looking for any clues. Couldn't find any, but I'm okay with that. I like guessing when I read stuff. It makes reading more interesting and interactive.

There were a two (possible) punctuation errors that I came across. I'll go ahead and point them out, but feel free to disagree:

You know, it's fine if people die, you've just got to keep remembering the good times.

"You know, it's fine if people die, you've just got to keep remembering the good times. They'll never really be gone, then."

Hi Jericho, Felistia here with the review you requested.

Story: The story is getting more interesting as you explain the characters back grounds. You are leaving the reader with a lot of questions, which will make them want to carry on reading. You put in a lot of mystery and all so some suspense which made the chapter quite fun to read.

Characters: You are developing the characters well and since there are only really two characters at the moment, you are really going to town with their back stories and put a lot emotion into it. The characters dialogue is great and feels natural which is a big problem I have in my stories, so well done on that.

Description: There wasn't as much description as last time, but just enough to give me a good picture in my head of where the characters are. In this chapter you concentrated mostly on emotion and not much on the description which is okay, because you helping the reader connect with the characters.

Small problems: There are a few mistakes with the punctuation. There are multiple areas where a character would be thinking, but you wouldn't put in any of these '. Example (If worse comes to worst out here... No, that shouldn't be necessary. ) should be written ('If worse comes to worst out here... No, that shouldn't be necessary.') Just minor mistakes that are easy to fix.

Over all a great chapter, well done and I look forward to the next one. Please let me know when the next one is up. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.