Summer Saturday

by Jenthura

Published June 24, 2010

Summer Saturday

Bring bring!

You are brought from your deep slumbering by the noise of your alarm clock. You grasp at your beautiful dreams, already fading, but catch only wisps and tendrils.

Bring bring! Bring bring!

You open your eyes to the rumpled landscape of sheets. Somewhere out there, your feet poke up peaks, your hands are hills, your body is one long mountain range, and everything else is plains that slope to the steep cliffs.

Bring br–slam! Tha-chunk!

You bring a fist onto the darned thing and listen lazily as it hits the floor. You know that this is the fifth alarm clock you’ve gone through, but somehow, the thought doesn’t register to your sleep-muddled mind. Later, you might curse your stupidity at the sight of an alarm clock-sized hole in your allowance, but for now, you merely sit in bed, slightly upright, eyes unseeing and blurry.

You know that your siblings will soon wake and stink up the bathroom, so you move with a necessity, forcing energy into limp limbs and legs. You step over the mess of your room, hardly registering the piles of clothes and books.

Out in the hall, you are hit squarely in the face by a ray of light that fought to reach you. It is shining through a window in your sister’s room, even though both curtains and door are usually closed at this time of the day for her. It is an unexpected incident, but serves to bring you more fully to consciousness.

Down the hall you go, seeing, hearing and smelling more and more. Something like blueberries, orange juice and coffee drifts up from the stairs, and you can hear your mom humming busily as she prepares your lunch or your backpack or whatever else moms do for their offspring in the mornings.

But then you remember, with perfect pleasure, that this is a Summer Saturday, and your mom is doing nothing related to school. Maybe she’s fixing yet another cup of coffee, or maybe feeding the dog.

These thoughts run through your mind like the water in your fingers and hair; the water that you splash over your face and arms. You’re glad for the cold that fully wakes you.

Teeth brushed, toilet flushed, down you go to breakfast, taking the steps two at a time just because. The smells are stronger now, and your stomach pulls you to the kitchen. Images fill your mind of what you anticipate, realer for the smell coming to you.

Grin. Good-morning. Kiss.

And then you sit down at the place already set out for you. For a moment, you revel in the sight of your food laid out, the contrasting colors merging with the smells and becoming a delicious whole.

Yellow eggs, brown toast with red jam, pancakes dotted with spots of blue, a tall orange glass…inhaaaaale.

And then you dig in, your fork coming slower than you would wish it. The tastes explode in your mouth, swirl down and make way for even more, and more…and more. Until, finally, you sit back in your chair completely contented and comfortable.

Up above, you can hear the siblings and Dad wake up, but for now, it’s just you and Mom and your full stomach, sending forth messages of bliss that massage your brain.

And even though you’re no fortune-teller, you know every Summer Saturday will be this way, maybe even every day of the week.

For three long months. What more could you want?

Spoiler! :
This was written simply because I woke up one morning and felt absoballylutely perfect. I didn’t have the breakfast described here (I’ve actually never had blueberry pancakes) but one quite close enough to it. I managed, somehow, to fit the whole thing entirely on a single page –Microsoft Word, normal margins¬. You’ll notice that I used alliteration rather frequently (limp limbs and legs, messages of bliss that massage your brain, Teeth brushed, toilet flushed) all for the reason of…just because.

So, tell me what you think.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
AquaMarine
Review
AquaMarine wrote a review Review · Jun 25, 2010

Woo, more writing from Jenny!

You are brought from your deep slumbering by the noise of your alarm clock.


You grasp at your beautiful dreams, already fading, but catch only wisps and tendrils.


A lovely idea, but I'd like it a little more extended. Capture the beauty of it more, y'know? (Okay, I'm not doing a good job of this - basically I feel that this line is great but could be a lot better, somehow.)

and you can hear your mom humming busily as she prepares your lunch or your backpack or whatever else moms do for their offspring in the mornings.


I don't like this line. Before, it's seemed like you're telling us everything precisely, then here is goes off into a tangent as thought you don't really know. The momentum is broken. Try cutting the end off a little. I'd also like it if you maybe made it sound more personal by perhaps describing the tune the mother is humming or something? It would be nice.

Maybe she’s fixing yet another cup of coffee, or maybe feeding the dog.


For a moment, you revel in the sight of your food laid out, the contrasting colors merging with the smells and becoming a delicious whole.


I don't like the ending of this line. It's too ... wishy-washy. Redundant, doesn't really add anything to what you're saying.

Up above, you can hear the siblings and Dad wake up, but for now, it’s just you and Mom and your full stomach, sending forth messages of bliss that massage your brain.


Maybe you could describe the feeling of the full stomach rather than simply dictating what it will feel like, if that makes sense? Instead of 'full stomach', try something a little more interesting.

you know every Summer Saturday will be this way,


So far, you haven't really made it feel like summer. Just a nice Saturday. If you're emphasising the summer part then make it seem more summer by alluding to the distinctive smells/sounds/sights of summer. Make it sensory, but make sure we know for sure it's summer, instead of only guessing because you tell us.

Overall:

I like this. The simplicity of it, thought slightly annoying at times, got across the message you were trying to and made it a nice read, if not a particularly challenging one. I think some parts could use a bit of tweaking - perhaps because they don't read well or sound odd. Read it out loud to yourself and catch any parts that sound weird when you say them.

Although I enjoy the fact you write in 2nd (it is 2nd - right? :wink: ) person, sometimes the constant saying of 'you' and 'your' got on my nerves. Try to limit the times you say them, because it becomes grating and made the story less enjoyable for me. Also, don't skim over some things simply because you're talking about it in a different tense. We still like the description and everything, so don't rush over that too much!

I'd also like it if you focused a little more on the idea of summer - why does that make this Saturday special? At the moment the day seems good simply because it's a Saturday, try to bring in the other side of the story too.

So, yes, good! Nice one! *high fives*

User avatar
Jenthura
Comment
Jenthura commented Comment · Jun 24, 2010

Thanks Snoink!

User avatar
Snoink
Comment
Snoink commented Comment · Jun 24, 2010

Moved to Short Stories!

User avatar
MKate
Review
MKate wrote a review Review · Jun 24, 2010

Reading this made me feel so calm and cheerful, you can write really well. The way you tossed in all those descriptions without cluttering each sentence makes me pea-green with envy :twisted: !

Simple. Short. Just because. I love it!



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