EDITED: I switched the whole thing over from third to first person view, so if anything is out of order with the POV, please let me know.
Teric swung a leg over the picket fence and tried to vault the three-and-a-half-foot obstacle. His efforts ended in a heap on the other side of the fence, but the happy-go-lucky grin on his face was unruffled and unperturbed.
“You’re so stupid,” I, Teric’s seventeen-year-old older sister, hissed. “Why can’t you act normally?”
“Jix, you know I can’t do that!” Teric protested, crossing over the grass to me. “This is the way I bounce!”
I rolled my eyes and ignored my younger brother, continuing towards the distant gazebo. Teric cart-wheeled across the grass and popped random dance moves as he walked: he was never serious about anything. Even worse than the antics was the stupid grin he’d plastered on his face with superglue as a child and hadn’t been able to remove all through his sixteen years of life.
It normally didn’t bother me, but this time I was going to Trisha Norman’s pool-warming party, and that was something I couldn’t let Teric screw up.
Trisha was probably the most popular girl in the whole school. Her father was an oil businessman who was always flying to Dubai or Paris, and her mother was a Congresswoman over on Capitol Hill. Besides coming from such an important lineage (and having plenty of money, good looks, and boys) Trisha had been to every continent in the world, vacationed in the Bahamas and went on shopping sprees that cost more than I made in a year. I’d only officially met her yesterday, but Trisha was inviting everyone she met that day…unfortunately, she also met Teric…and even more unfortunately, he accepted.
I looked back to where Teric was having a headstand contest with a tree. In the end, he fell over in a heap, laughing almost hysterically. Quickly I turned my mind back to where the sounds of splashing and laughing came fast and thick. Trees around a bend in the path cut off the pool from view, and I craned my neck desperately. I knew the sight of the party would take away my worries about Teric.
The sight that greeted my eyes was beyond my wildest and craziest fantasy. Part-goers were diving into the pool while others gathered around the groaning snacks table. A three-story Victorian house rose above elms and a perfectly manicured lawn, looking down from its height almost with contempt: all rich houses looked the same. Trisha herself was seated in a white lawn chair near the pool, listening to a group of guys and trying not to laugh from what they were saying to her. The pool itself was a two football-field deal with a ten-foot high diving platform: fountains and blue fish patterns at the bottom completed the picture.
“Hey, Jix!” a cry suddenly went up from the southern section of the pool.
I turned to see Janie and Marie sitting at the edge of the pool with their legs in the water. The twins were my best friends, and I quickly made my way through the crowd of people to get to them.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“We met the hottest guy, Jix!–”
“Derek: he’s from Spain and I just love his tan, its like–”
“–copper or something!”
Jane and Marie spoke interchangeably, tossing the conversation around like a ping-pong ball. I followed them as best as I could, but it was going to put a permanent kink in my neck someday.
“Wait, wait,” I exclaimed, putting my hands up, palms out. “I just got here, let me change; be right back!”
In the changing room I switched from faded jeans and a scruffy tee to a pink bikini two-piece. The two-piece had been priced ridiculously high for something so miniscule, but I wanted my best front forward for this party.
Immediately after I left the bathroom, I narrowed my eyes and glared at the crowd near the far end of the pool. Teric was usually acting up or goofing off, gathering a gaggle of interested onlookers, entertained by the clown. This time, however, it was different.
Teric was standing at the very top of the diving platform alone, his stupid grin gone. In its place, Teric was wearing a confident and poised smirk. Below, a crowd of Trisha’s girls were shouting encouragement and complements up: Teric had obviously made himself quite a reputation.
I couldn’t believe it. He, Teric, who’d screamed like a baby five years ago at summer camp and had never entered water since. He, the classic hydrophobic, was standing ten feet above a deep pool…and then he jumped.
I gasped audibly as he flipped twice, hit the water like a professional and swam a few lengths underwater. He broke the surface, laughing and tossing his hair so the girls were sprinkled. It was so sudden that I could only think one thing: Teric was that good?
A water-volleyball game was started, with the team captains fighting over Teric. I admit I was watching with my mouth slightly agape and with an expression of wonder on my face, so it was no surprise to me when Jane walked up fisted the underside of my chin.
“Something might crawl in and lay eggs, princess,” she warned sarcastically. “Close it up!”
“Did you see Teric?” I asked in disbelief, walking with Jane as we returned to Marie.
“Yeah, you never told me your brother was that hot!”
“He’s not, at least, not normally.”
“Could you introduce me to him?”
I looked at Jane like she’d had grown horns: introduce Teric? Suddenly a gold-skinned, honey-blonde appeared behind Jane, and she went off with him, laughing as she went. At least that was normal.
I walked on uncomfortably, finding Marie surrounded by a crowd of Japanese and Koreans, attempting to impress the guys with her knowledge of Asian songs, no doubt. I had just been introduced to several of them when there was a general gasp from the crowds. I turned to see Teric surrounded by a group of part-goers. And Teric was dancing! Not only that, he was dancing with Trisha. Someone had started up a game of truth-or-dare, as was obvious, and Teric was complying with a dare. His feet rose and fell within the circle of his new friends, matching some beat in his head perfectly. Trisha was admiring him with her eyes, and I didn’t like the way they travelled over Teric’s body.
Everything seemed to fall into place now, Teric’s weird behaviour in all the years I knew him, his sudden superhuman ability to attract girls, and now his smooth dancing: he was most definitely an alien, I was sure of it now.
It wasn’t jealously, that was my brother, for goodness’ sake, but I still couldn’t explain my feelings, almost angry at…Trisha? Whatever it was, I didn’t like it. My party spirit began to drop as I watched my brother dance, swim, dive and basically mind-control the whole bunch of girls to like him. Even worse, Jane and Marie were caught up in it, fawning disgustingly over him. The biggest shock, though, came when Teric rose up to the dare of kissing Trisha Norman.
I left the party before the minutes-long lip-clench was over.
I got back to my apartment and sat down on the couch facing the sun window. Everything had been so attention-grabbing and loud at the party that I couldn’t believe the silence of the cold rooms. Half of me wanted to go back, to join in the fun, but then the idea of Trisha’s fun killed that decision. The other half wanted to wait in the apartment until Teric came home and just talk to him.
When would he come back? Would he even want to talk to me after that? Me, who’d insulted and knocked him down since he was born? Mom had told me to take care of my little brother, but now it looked as though he would do just fine without me. It scared me a little, thinking those thoughts.
The sound of jingling keys and the front door slamming brought my mind back to earth.
“Teric?”
“Hey, Jix,” Teric said, setting his keys down as he entered the room. “You left the party.”
It was a statement for sure, but he spoke it almost like a question. I couldn’t turn to face, so stared at that window as though it was the most important thing in the world.
“Yeah, I…I didn’t feel too good.”
“Is it because I kissed Trisha?” I could hear the blush in his voice.
“No, no, no,” I hurriedly assured him. “I don’t mind it at all, and…I guess you’ve gotta have a girl, the others-”
“Let’s not go over that again.” Teric cut me off quickly, remembering the old days when he’d only just started to notice girls. Somehow, somewhere along the way my brother had smoothed out, lost the acne and got jam-packed with charm.
“I’m sorry.” I replied, leaning forward into my hands. I felt like I’d just run a marathon suddenly. “But…”
“But what?”
“But…I don’t know, I guess it leaves me in the darkness –gosh, I feel like Mom right now.”
Teric was quiet, awaiting my words again, but I wanted him to speak first. Suddenly a realization dawned on me. I whirled around to face him.
“You left the party early!”
“So? You did too.”
“But you were the life of it all! You had Trisha on your arm and–”
“And a dozen guys behind my back wishing they could kill me.” Teric smiled his lopsided grin. “That was one of the reasons I left, but the main one was because you did: I didn’t want to go to the party just because there were girls.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Alright, maybe that was a side note.”
Two eyebrows.
“Alright, it was one of the main reasons I went, but the main-er reason was because you were going: I just wanted to have some fun with my big sis.”
“You’re not mad at me?” I asked, hoping he’d understand what had gone through my mind before he came in. “I mean, for all the years-”
“No, Jix,” he said, laughing. “You actually think I listen to anything you say?”
I knew he was back again, the old Teric I knew. Grinning broadly I jumped over the back of the couch, catching Teric in a bear-hug happily: my little brother would remain little for some while yet.
“So what do you wanna do now?” Teric asked, pulling away uncomfortably from my embrace.
“How about the beach?” I suggested. “My swimming clothes are still wet, and besides, that beats any pool, any day!"
Teric splayed out his stupid grin widely in affirmation, and, for the first time in my sorry life, I was glad to see him do it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey Jen! Here to review for the Reviewing Trade thing.

Alright, so my first reaction to this was-"it does seem like a girl speaking." So I think that's a good thing to have been accomplished in what you had planned on doing. If people can see through the character and make out that which gender it belongs to, then it's good. It is nice, I guess. Good job for that.
My one problem here was that the opening was a bit boring. I know you want to show him as a careless teenager who's too much into weird or maybe adventurous things, so I think there was more you could have done or experimented with. Right now your opening is kind of short, not too much into depth or enough to let me like it. I didn't even know that they were already at the party until I read it afterwards, so you see it wasn't introducing me to your readers. Maybe I am getting too weird on this, but for me opening does it. If it's good, I know I'll enjoy the rest of the story. I won't say it wasn't nice, but more of depth, expression or some description would have made it perfect.
Other problem here was that when you showed her best friends for the first time, you never told us who(Jane or Marie) were speaking which dialog. The friends don't hold such an importance to the story as such, but if you'd have told us who was saying what maybe we'd have had an idea about their personality. That way we wouldn't have to struggle a lot with them. But either way, I think their personality didn't matter much, but still if you could have added the dialog thing, then nothing like it.
Also, when her friends ask Jix if she could introduce them to her brother, it seemed weird. Wouldn't I be knowing my best friend's brother or wouldn't he be knowing me? Not in very proximity or in a very friendly way, but sure I am to be introduced to him earlier. What you could do here is that for the word 'introduce' find an alternative. Make it like could we come to your house and know him better, or help us make an impression on him. Now that would be more like it. So, just work out on that. Otherwise, this might take an unrealistic turn. Other thing which seemed out of reality would have to be the MC's reaction to when her brother jumps in the water. Even if I am not that close to my brother, and he is the biggest problem of my life, I'd have uneasiness if my brother were to jump from something so high and especially when he had showed fear of water. So wanna think 'bout that? Even if some one else jumps from that high, there's an accelerated heartbeat or overwhelming fear. And if it is your blood, then more the lot weird.
Also, I didn't get the conflict. What was there between them? Like what was the main problem? I never got what exactly Jix was upto. Ever. Like what was there between them that created a problem? I never got to what Jix used to treat him like. I mean, sure she wasn't the biggest fan of his, but normally siblings show irritation with each other, and wish they never had them, but inside they do love them like hell, and can never stand having them apart. But apart from that why did she have to ask if he wasn't mad at him or something? This can be just me, but I am sorry if I confused you. I wanted to help out. Also, even though you gave a lot of good descriptions for the set of the party, I was still expecting to feel myself being there. If only you could have done that, it would have been perfect. Like, more than the descriptions, it would have been better if you could have told more about the kind of people there were and what all they were doing. Generally, in parties like these there's liquor being served, so you might wanna add it to it.
Overall, as I said your character did seem like girl and this is one of the biggest objectives of writing and if you've succeeded in it, then no other thing like it. Other minor technicalities can always be looked after later. With a little bit of brushing up, this would sure be a very delightful read. It is delightful even now, but you just need to add that 'very' element to it. So go for it.
Hope this helps, and PM or post on my wall for any queries.
Thanks for the helpful review, Dudette! I'll certainly work on those (obvious xD) mistakes! As to their age, I couldn't decide, and kept wavering. however, since they do have an apartment, I'll make them young adults...who still have a penchant for truth or dare...yeah.
Thanks again!
Hey! Dudette here to review for you
So...
I'd split this up a bit. Try something like;
'Jix looked back to where Teric was having a headstand contest with a tree. He ended up falling over in a heap, again, and laughing almost hysterically.'
I think by 'hopping' you mean 'hoping'
I like the imagery here!
It may just be me, but I don't like the use of 'T' for 't-shirt' Ignore me if you think I'm being too picky, but I think 'tee' or 't-shirt' would look better.
I don't think you really need any of these two commas
Overall, the only thing that bothered me was that I couldn't quite put my finger on what age Jix and Teric are. The whole scenario, with truth and dare, made me think they were teenagers, but then when you talk about when Jix goes back to the apartment, it made me think it was her apartment and she lived alone.
Also, the way that you described Teric sometimes made me think he was a lot younger than Jix, who I assumed was a teenager for much of the story. But then at the party, you make Teric out to be a teenager too.
It's a problem that can be solved with a little more clarification - e.g, when you write;
You could add a little sentence on the end. Something along the lines of -
'Even though he was now ..... years old.'
It's just a suggestion, and I know it's only a short story, but it was something that stuck out to me.
Thanks for the great read and I hope I've been at least a little bit helpful
xDudettex