Hello.
Like the reviewer said above, it did feel as if you were talking to me. So I guess what this poem achieves is a strong persona. Although quite honestly, it doesn't read like a poem. I felt like I just stumbled upon a rant diary entry. It does have a lot of strong emotions, I just don't think you communicated that in a poetic manner. You communicated the emotions well enough, I'm just not sure if this execution is well thought out.
The capitalization of YOU probably bothered me the most in this poem. I suppose you can employ it once or twice in order to bring attention to it if it's truly important, although I would suggest using other means to bring attention to certain things in your poetry rather than capitalizing everything. The capitalization of YOU destroyed the rhythm of this poem completely. It puts a stress on the word which makes this poem read really, as you said in your post, like a rant. I'd listen to the rants of my friends but I think rants have to be edited in order to become poetry.
It's also really confused. I'm not even sure what the persona is angry about precisely. It never centers on anything and it's difficult to try to tackle too much in poetry because you end up not being able to expound on the topic properly. The only thing I got from this really, is that the persona is pissed off.
I think you can write about this topic although I really think you can find a way to execute this better. Don't be so obvious in the way you write. There's so much telling here and not much showing. Don't tell the reader that you're mad, or hurt, show him that you're mad. Describe things vividly and at the same time, a little obscurely. This poem is just so obvious in every way. There's nothing for the reader to interpret or think about almost.
The first thing that I believe would help is for you to focus this poem on that one particular emotion, or perhaps one particular event. This sounds more like a series of events that led to your breaking point rant. Once you've got that emotion/event, write about it. Don't be too telling. Show us how you feel. Mask some of it in metaphors and other imagery. Don't just rant. Don't let your emotions get in the way of your poetry.
--Nixie
Points: 1802
Reviews: 261
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