Published January 29, 2010
They say that words are just words
And that actions speak louder
They say that with love you have to learn
What it takes to make it better
All the things that you picture
And that you want when you’re young
Of a prince and the tall tower
Are just your misperceptions of love
They say that life is not a movie
You don’t always get what you deserve
They say that love is never easy
You’ve still got a lot you have to learn
When all you want is for him to want you
Don’t forget that you’re still young
These are things I never knew
Once upon a time when I did silly things for love
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I honestly and absolutely agree with what Ben and Dreamy pointed out. They're awesome critics, and they did a great job pointing out what you need to change.
My friend...punctuation. Dot the end with a period, commas when needed, etc. etc. Capitalization in only the right places.
But, still, clear that up, and it will be even better than good.
Tata.
-Mizz
Hey! I really actually like this poem, it wasn't one of those fake, "oh he loves me," or, "It was a stupid lie," it was really realistic. You know how to deliver a strong message and present it in a very likable format. My only complaint is that you could have used some sort of punctuation, to give the reader a little something to work with when it comes to the pace and rhythm.
Keep Writing,
Erin
Hai! I totally agree with what Ben said. Fix your punctuation, and you'll have a good base. After that, work on your meter. It was kind of roundabout. Then, add some emotion! This seems like the kind of poem you'd want to be emotional, but it seemed kinda flat and informative to me. Work on this, and it'll be good!
--Dreamy
wow, i did like this poem. it's sort of a love poem, but it's not a sappy "HE loves me!" kind of love poem. It's realistic...
That said, I do agree that punctuating this poem would make it flow better. There were parts of it that, while I was reading, were somewhat hard to connect with the rest of the poem.
This was one of my favorite lines... keep up the good work!
:KaatiieBugg
Hey there!
Okay, I enjoyed the colour of vocab you've got here! It really delivers some effect. The main nitpick I have with it is in terms of fluency. I say this because you have no punctuation. Now, because this is poetry it doesn't really matter as you can bend the rules, but you have to bare in mind that:
Lack of punctuation = Lack of fluency & pace.
&
Lack of fluency & pace = less effect and meaning.
This is why I feel that punctuating poetry is so important! Here's my suggestions:
See what I mean?
Love the rhythm by the way,
& keep writing!
Ben.
Hello,
I really like this, it has a clear message, that yes you don't always get what you deserve and that love is never easy. So i really like it, I think that you could carry this on a little because the last line,
This makes the reader want to know the silly things that the character did. So you could work with this if you wanted to.
Anyways, Well Done
Keep Writing
~Lydia