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He wouldn’t stop crying. He was so sad. I had to go help him. I walked into my parent’s bedroom and saw him sitting on the floor crying in his hands. I knelt in front of him.

“Please don’t cry , Daddy.”

“Adin, I’m so sad. I never wanted to hurt you. Please forgive me.”

He pulled me onto his lap and hugged me. He always hugged me, but it was different this time. He hugged me in the kind of way you hug someone you are about to be away from. He buried his face in my shoulder. I could feel his tears wetting my shirt.

“I love you Daddy.”

“I love you Adin. You’re my little angel. Never forget that.”

He stood up on his feet and pulled me to mine. He led me to the door and nudged me with his hand to go out of the room. I turned and watched him close the door. I listened to the sound of his footsteps. And then I heard the gunshot.

Chapter 1

Everyone has a story. A story about their life, about who they are. I don’t mean who they are physically, but the person beyond the body. No one honestly knows anyone but themselves. That’s all who we really have, ourselves I mean. You’re the only one who knows your every thought and feeling, the real you. You are the only one who can truly understand yourself. No one feels my pain but me. No one feels anything I feel. They have their feelings and I have mine. I’m me and they are them.

My emotions don’t phase me anymore. I stopped trying to feel emotions. When you don’t feel, you don’t hurt. I just wish I could make my mom and my brother stop hurting. Maybe moving away will help. A new house in a new town might help them forget like me. I don’t want to see them sad anymore. Maybe one day they will learn my trick, no feeling means no hurting.

It was starting to rain pretty hard. I drew my name in the fog on the window.

I looked over at my mom driving and then in the backseat at my brother. He was asleep and snoring. I balled up the Taco Bell bag on the floor and hit him right in the face with it. He jumped up and looked around. I couldn’t help but giggle. My mom even laughed. She didn’t do that much anymore. Eric just laid back down and went back to sleep.

I loved having a twin brother. We never fought. He was my best friend, besides my mom. I was close to them but still very distant at the same time. We didn’t talk about “him“. At least I wouldn’t. If they ever said his name in front of me I would leave the room. I couldn’t think about “him“, or I would remember. They had their own way of dealing with everything, I had mine.

“This is it.” My mom said as the three of us stood in front of our new house. It wasn’t an ugly house. To be honest, I kind of liked it. It was a two story, yellow house with a black door. I really liked the black door for some reason. It stood out.

I walked back to the car to start unloading some of the smaller boxes. The movers had already moved the big stuff into the house. I grabbed a box with “Adin’s room” written on it and made my way towards the black door. It creaked a little as I opened it. I walked through the doorway and stood in the foyer. The house smelled like paint, which I didn’t mind. I liked how paint smelled. I wish you could paint away the damage on people and make them like new the way you could with walls. It would be so much easier. You could paint your past away and cover it up like it was never there.

I felt a knee hit my butt.

“Dammit, Eric, that hurt.”

“Watch your mouth Adin. Eric, don’t be so rough with your sister. Take that box upstairs Adin. Eric, come with me to the kitchen.”

I gave Eric a kick in the shin and walked towards the stairs. I had never set foot in the house before, so I had to find my room. I had somewhat of an idea where it was. My mom had told me where it would be. She had already been down here to get ready to move in and take care of the whole process of buying a house. My brother and I had to stay behind to finish our semester of school.

I made my way to the top of the stairs and turned left. My room was the first door on the right. I walked into the room and set the box on the floor. I liked it. I had chosen red to paint the walls. I don’t know why I chose red. I guess I just liked the color. I think my favorite thing about the room was the big window on the wall across from the door. I walked over to it and looked out. Probably the largest river birch I had ever seen stood right outside my window. The tree didn’t have any leaves on it because it was winter. I felt sorry for the tree. It looked so sad and cold.

I could also see the house next door. I wondered who lived there. What kind of people were they? Maybe it was someone my age. It wouldn’t really make a difference to me. I was more on the anti-social side. So I wasn’t looking for any new friends. I did look forward to the food our new neighbors would hopefully be bringing over as a “welcome to the neighborhood” gift. My mom would always do that sort of thing when we had new neighbors.

I turned away from the window and looked at my new bedroom. It was a decent sized room. My queen sized bed had been brought up. My dresser was put across from my bed. I just had to put the little things in place.

“Adin, Mom wants you to come down here.” I heard Eric yell from downstairs.

“Okay.”

I went downstairs and into the kitchen. It was painted yellow. I sat down on a barstool beside my brother. My mom was taking things out of boxes and putting them in their places.

“So, I was thinking we could order pizza tonight and try to start getting the house in order. What do you say?”

“Sounds good.” Eric and I mumbled together.

“ Since it’s Christmas break the two of you will be around to help me out. I’m pretty glad about that. It won’t be so stressful getting settled. We have a couple of weeks before I start working and you two go back to school.”

The thought of school made me sick. I hated school and crowds.

“Why won’t you home-school me?”

“I don’t want to be home-schooled Adin.”

“Well you can go to school, but I don’t want to.”

My mom sighed. “Adin, we’ve talked about this. I’m working so I don’t have time. I don’t want to see you shut yourself up in the house. You need to get out. Maybe you’ll meet some neat people at school. It will be good for you.”

Later that night as I was laying in my bed looking at the ceiling, I began to think. What was Christmas going to be like? Is it just going to be sad and depressing? I was worried. I didn’t want Christmas to suck for my mom and Eric. It’s supposed to be a happy time. I knew my days of happiness were gone forever, but I didn’t want it to be like that for them. More than anything I wanted them to be happy. My thoughts would try to drift back to that day. But I would stop them every time. I wouldn’t think about it anymore. I had to pretend like it never happened. I was always redirecting my thoughts whenever I found them trying to remember. I had to constantly remember to forget.

The next day I woke up to the sound of rain beating on my window. I remained in my bed just to listen to the rain. Rain was something I had always loved. It sounded so peaceful. I knew I had to make myself get up though. I had a big day of unpacking to look forward to.

My mom was in the den unpacking pictures. I saw where she had put the picture of the four of us on the mantel. It wasn’t taken very long ago. I wish she would just leave it in the box.

“Good morning baby girl. I went to the grocery store and grabbed some cereal and milk earlier. It’s on the counter.”

"I’m not hungry right now.”

“Alright, well, today I thought we could unpack some more and then I thought I’d leave you and your brother here and I’ll go do some Christmas shopping.”

I didn’t say anything. I walked over to the couch and sat down. I didn’t want to think about Christmas. I didn’t want to have Christmas. I didn’t want to do anything that would make me remember. But I had to act like I didn’t care. That’s all I really did, was act like everything was fine.

“Adin, are you okay with that? I’ll stay here today if you would rather me do that.”

“No, you go ahead. I’ll hold down the fort with Eric.” I gave her a forced smile. But, she always knew the difference between a real smile and my attempt at a fake one. She looked at me for a minute. I could see the sadness in her eyes.

“Adin, I love you and Eric so much. He did too.”

“I love you too Mom.” I got up and walked out of the room.

Around noon I decided it was time for Eric to get up. I had been unpacking boxes by myself for the past two hours and I thought he should help. I opened his bedroom door and poked my head in. Sure enough, he was sprawled across his bed, tangled in the blankets. I walked over to his bed and gave him a little shake. He moaned and rolled over. I shook him again, but harder this time. No response. I bent my head and put my mouth about an inch from his ear. “Wake up.” I didn’t scream it, but I was close.

He lifted his head up. “What?”

“Mom went shopping. She wants us to unpack. Get up.”

“Whatever. I’m coming.”

“Go to the kitchen. I’ll tell you what to put on the shelves I cant reach.”

Just then the doorbell rang.

“I’ve got it. You better get out of bed.” I said over my shoulder as I walked to the door.

I opened the front door to see a guy about mine and Eric’s age holding what looked like a pecan pie. If I was the type that got nervous when cute guys talked to them, I would have passed out right about then. Luckily, that wasn’t how I was. That would not have been a good first impression.

“Uh, hey, I’m Cal Berkley. I live next door.”

“I’m Adin Mason.” I didn’t want this to turn into some big conversation about where I had lived and why we moved. I would try to keep it short while still being polite.

“Nice to meet you Adin. My mom made this.” He holds the pie out and I take it.

“Oh, thanks. I like pecan pie.”

Just then my brother walks up. He’s wearing pajama pants and no shirt.

“Hey, I’m her brother, Eric.” He extends his hand and Cal extends his to shake Eric’s.

“Cal Berkley.”

“Come on in. It’s cold out there.”

Eric leads Cal towards the living room and I take the pie into the kitchen and set it on the counter. I debate on whether I should go and be sociable or just stay in the kitchen and unpack. I decide to unpack. I wasn’t looking for new friends.

I spent the better part of an hour finishing unpacking the kitchen. When I was done I could still hear my brother and Cal talking. I still didn’t want to go and chat so I made my way upstairs.

I laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until then. I don’t sleep much. I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy. Within minutes my exhaustion got the better of me.

We’re on the top of a building. Its night-time. I lean over the wall and look at all the cars and lights below us. He’s standing beside me. He’s smiling. I smile back. I loved seeing him smile. I look up at the sky and see a bird fly over our heads.

“I wish I could fly like that, Daddy.”

“You can my little bird.”

“How? I don’t have any wings.”

“You don’t have to have wings.”

He pulls himself onto the wall and holds his hand out to me. I take it and let him pull me up.

“Whatever you do, don’t let go of my hand.”

I look at him. He doesn’t look scared at all.

“On the count of three we jump. One, two, three.”

I push against the ledge with my feet but I don’t move. It was like they were glued to the top of the wall. I’m still holding his hand as he throws himself off of the building. He doesn’t soar into the air like the bird because my feet are stuck to the ledge. Instead, he’s dangling off the side of the building and I’m the only thing holding him up. I look down and instead of seeing lights and cars I see a fire. Everything under us is fire.

“Don’t let me go, Adin.”

He’s slipping. I can’t hold much longer. I look into his eyes and I see sadness. He knows I can’t hold him up. He knows he’s going to die. I can’t let him go. I feel his hand slipping. I barely have him now.

“You’re the only one who can save me, Adin.”

He slips out of my grip completely and falls into the fire below us.

My eyes shoot open. I’m pouring sweat. My heart is racing. I sit up and rub my eyes. They’re wet. I had been crying in my sleep. I wipe the tears away from my eyes. I won’t cry. Crying shows weakness. I look at the clock beside my bed. It’s 7:30 PM. I had been sleeping for about seven hours. I wondered if my brother had done any more unpacking like he was supposed to and if my mom was home yet. I got out of bed and went downstairs.

I walked into the den and saw a pile of empty boxes in the corner. A lot had been unpacked. Eric had actually done that without having to be nagged the whole time. I was surprised. There were books on the shelves and pictures on the wall. I figured my mom had come home earlier and done that part. Eric wasn’t the type of guy to organize rooms.

I walked into the kitchen. There was a note on the counter.

Adin, I took Eric and his new friend, Cal, to get a movie.

We won’t be gone long.

Love, Mom

I was glad that Eric was making friends already but at the same time I was kind of pissed. I didn’t want strangers hanging around the house. I felt almost like we were being intruded on. I knew I shouldn’t feel that way, but I did. I didn’t want people to wonder where “he” was and why “he” was gone. I left the note on the counter and went back up to my room.

I tore the packing tape off of a box and opened it. There was a picture of me with my competition dance team holding a first place trophy. There was a huge smile on my face. I remember being so happy that day. That was the last time I was truly happy. The next day after we had won the competition was when it happened.

I set the picture to the side and look through the box some more. The box mainly has books packed in it. I take the books out and started stacking them neatly on my book shelf. I loved books. I wondered where the closest bookstore was.

I heard the front door open and foot steps on the stairs. My brother and Cal walked into my room a few seconds later.

“Want to come watch a movie with us?” Eric gave me a big smile. Cal stood behind Eric and looked around my room at the mess.

“No thanks. I think I’m going to unpack my room.”

"Alright. But, if you change your mind we’ll be in my room.” I nodded in acknowledgement.

About thirty minutes later my mom came into my room.

“I made you a turkey sandwich. How is the unpacking coming along?”

“Pretty well.” I take the sandwich and take a bite.

“I’m going to go back downstairs. I’ll come tell you goodnight before I go to sleep.” She leans over and kisses me on my head. I look up and smile at her.

I finish my sandwich and get back to unpacking. I open another box. This one has clothes in it. I start taking them out and hanging them in my closet.

I hang the last shirt from the box. I look out my window at the sky. It’s so dark and the stars look pretty. I walk out of my room, down the stairs, and out the front door.

I sit on the steps and look at the sky. Ever since I was little I had always loved the sky. I often tried to imagine the end of space. But I could never picture it. Space went on forever. That thought really played games with my mind. I couldn’t imagine there never being an end to something. There was an end to everything. I also thought about life beyond Earth. If there was this never ending space, why would God only put life on this one planet?

I heard the front door open behind me. I turned around to see Cal. He sat down beside me and propped his face on his hands.

“So, what do you think about Pluto not being a planet anymore?” This is the first conversation the two of us have ever had and he starts it off with the most random thing ever. I turn my head in his direction with the kind of look on my face that says, “What the hell?”. When I don’t reply right away he speaks again.

“I personally was a little pissed. I know it doesn’t really affect anything. It’s just we’ve been taught since we were little that Pluto was a planet and now all of a sudden they decide it’s not. I was just wondering what you’re thoughts on it were.”

“I don’t really know what my thoughts on it are. I haven’t really thought about it. I guess it doesn‘t really bother me.”

“Yeah you don’t seem like the type of person who would be into planets.”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Into planets and all that space stuff?”

“Well, I like looking at the sky. I have a telescope and I look at the stars a lot.”

We sat in silence for about a minute before he stood up.

“I guess I’ll see you around.” He gave me a crooked smile. I lifted my hand in a sloppy wave. I watched him as he turned and slowly walked away from me towards his house. He had his hands in his pockets. There was something about the way he walked. He looked so calm and at ease. I took a deep breath and stood on my feet to go back inside.

The main thing my mom and I did throughout the next week was unpack. Eric was either hanging out with Cal at our house or over at his. So Eric didn’t do much to help unpack. It was probably better that way. If my mom or I wasn’t supervising him, he would just put things in random places which just left my mom and me to find what he unpacked and put it in the right place.

I spoke to Cal a few more times. We mainly just greeted each other when he came over. One night I even watched a movie with Eric and him. I even laughed and talked some. I was almost feeling okay about things. Then Christmas Eve arrived.