E - Everyone

the Disappearing Girl has gone missing

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Aveya tapped her foot to the music in her ear, its light, yet constant tone fluttered through her brain. The sound of a foot meeting wet paving stones here, the creaking of a door there. The sounds muddled  together and fell into a melody. Aveya side stepped out of the way of a cart and whisked past dozens of pedestrians. She looked up at the stone box of a palace at the end of the street. It was almost completely square, very unlike the tall spires of her homelands. Aveya continued to listen to her own music as she made her way closer. 

I wonder if she'll really speak today. Aveya wondered. Or will she just stay inside like last time? Aveya only sometimes wondered what it was like, being so cherished. Is she really as powerful as people say? Can she really make things vanish? She. The gifted one, with powers unimaginable. Though those in the city of Chevs, with its box palace and busy streets, called her The Disappearing Girl. A play on words combining her fabled powers and her extra ability disappear whenever she was to be shown to the public. 

Aveya made it closer to the palace, excitement growing in her. Her made up melody reached its climax as tower bells rang out in the streets. She grew closer to the palace, hoping that The Disappearing Girl really would show herself today. 

* * *

Ditrett rolled his neck back, the crick in it remained, causing his frown. Ditrett looked back over at the grey door behind him, it lay locked. No sound emerged from it, nothing out of the ordinary. Ditrett thought about checking in on the girl, but she'd screamed at him the last time. But how else was he supposed to know if she was alright? Ditrett shifted his gloves. The king had hired Ditrett and his men to watch her, the least she could do was not be so offended by it. Will she ever come out of the room? He wondered. Probably not, and she'll probably miss the speech like last time. Ditrett admitted to himself. Though he also had to admit that the girl always staying inside made his job easier. 

Ditrett rubbed his neck again, that small crick would drive him insane. A scream pierced his ears and all at once he was running at the grey door. His shoulder hit hard wood before he even knew what he'd done. Ditrett slammed into the door, she may have locked it, she may have not, either way splinters flew as he scrambled through the doorway. Ditrett looked at the large sitting room and saw no-one. He ran into the bedroom and saw no-one, his gaze was focused on the tendrils of white smoke in the corner of the room, seemingly floating from nothing.

Ditrett rushed out of the girl's chambers and ran down the hall screaming. 

"She's gone! The gifted is gone!" He continued to shout as other guards rushed about, spreading the word. As Dirett ran down hallways he heard tower bells start up. Ditrett pushed his way past other guards as he made his was to the king's chambers. Heaving open large, engraved doors Dirett panted as he looked at the short, graying haired king. "The Disappearing Girl has gone missing." Dirett said, slumping against the door.

* * * 

Rinada played with the medium gray clumps of smoke in between her hands. The smoke twirled and twisted, and would start to fade away slowly if she stopped focusing on it. Rinada lowered the clump of smoke to the quill on the floor. As soon as it touched the quill the smoke seemed attracted to it as it spun down without her guidance, soon enveloping the quill a small poof emerged and soon only ever fading smoke remained.

Rinada smiled as she leaned back onto the palms of her hands. Her soft carpeting was more than adequate for lounging, and her many skirts didn't seem to get in the way as much on the floor. Rinada sat quietly for a moment, her attention shifting towards the large window to the side of her bedroom. She gazed out of it for a moment, letting her mind go blank before a thought popped in, ruining everything. Will I go and speak to the people today? She asked herself. Rinada frowned and tried very hard to go back to that blissful blankness her mind had held moments ago. But it didn't work, she still lingered on the fear of going and being subject to an entire city. To go and explain what she was, when even she didn't know. 

A sound like that of a gust of wind sounded to her left. Rinada whipped her head around and gasped to see a wall of white smoke in the corner of the room. Rinada clambered to her feet and froze as a form walked from out of the smoke. It was tall and red-brown hair looked odd against its dark skin and brown eyes. It wore a dirty white coat but before Rinada could examine further the form walked forward and grabbed her arm. Rinada looked down at her arm and screamed as it turned to white smoke, the smoke spread out across her body and the other figure's as well. Rinada continued to scream before the white smoke completey consumed her.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
JuliasSneezer
Review

*Drops from ceiling* Heyo! Me again!

First of all, I LOVE the way you introduced the characters in a short but detailed way. You introduced a bit of all their personalities, and ways that they may possibly connect.

The only thing I would really change about that, is that perhaps you would describe the characters a bit. Because we have these wonderful, unique personalities, but no face to put to them! (Funnily enough, I pictured Aveya as your avvie for some unknown reason. XD)

You told us in a casual way how "The Gifted" never comes out. She's asked to come, but she never shows herself! Why is that? Are there unsafe powers? Is she shy? SO many questions come from those couple sentances!

I like the way that you told us that Ditrett has been there for a really long time. You give us something relatable to go on. "Hey. We get cricks if we've been here a while. He got one. I like this guy!" (What even...? XD)

Basically, this is super cool so far! I would LOVE it if you would update me whenever new chapters come out.

Just keep swimming,
-Cups

User avatar
Junel
Review
Junel wrote a review · Wed Aug 03, 2016 3:22 am

Hey, yes you should continue this! I love it!

Grammatical Etc. errors:

extra ability disappear whenever she was

Add to in between ability and disappear
Aveya made it closer to the palace, excitement growing in her. Her made up melody reached its climax as tower bells rang out in the streets. She grew closer to the palace, hoping that The Disappearing Girl really would show herself today.

So in this paragraph you say she is getting closer to the palace twice. Repetition is bad get rid of it.

Plot: Super interesting and leaving me with lots of questions. A lot happens in this first chapter, but you keep it at a good pace so that it isn't confusing. Also the way you connected the sounds so multiple character heard it made the timeline connect and make perfect sense. Also you have given us the readers an inside look so we know more than some of the characters this is very cool and I love it.

Characters: So we have three main character here, the each seem unique and interesting and yet you left them enough of a mystery that we want to read more.

Description: Perfect. You didn't just use visual cues, but also lots of sounds which fit beautifully into the story giving us a full image.

Overall, I have just about to criticism because this was AMAZING!

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel

Thank you very much!



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